I’d like some feedback, everybody, cause I’ve been dating this girl for several months now and the thing we fight about most is my need for space and acceptance of my lifestyle, pretty much. Keep in mind, though, I never start these fights, but they begin like so:
I love training and try to get to the gym everyday save for the days I’m too busy. I’m in a masters in teaching program and we are very very busy (internship in the morning, and class for several hours right after). I manage to get to the gym regularly, though. Almost everyday (later at night).
My GF is also in this same program. Now, every time I go to the gym it’s a big ordeal. I “don’t want to spend time with” her and she gives me a huge attitude for doing this. It puts a great damper on this aspect of my life because it’s something I NEED to do to be happy. She can’t understand that.
I’m also an introvert and really do enjoy time alone. I’m not saying I want to BE alone, I just really need alone-time to “recharge my batteries.” Too much social contact actually drains my energy! Being “on” for long periods of time is taxing for me, and I work in a darn school with kids (I’m “on” for a good portion of the day)! This also includes time spent with others–I enjoy it, just not every minute of every day. She can’t understand that.
Am I the one who is wrong? Should I want to spend all of my free time with her? Should I want to give up training regularly just so she can satisfy her clinginess? Personally I think it’s her who needs to “ease up” a bit and give me the space I need to do the things I like to. If she were into training, we’d do it together and it’d be great, but that’s not the case.
What am I to do, guys? She’s very needy, and I just can’t give myself up for that kind of intensity–not anymore (I’ve had a similar relationship and it was the worst one I’ll ever have).
I didn’t want it to come to that. . . but, I don’t know. Maybe that’s the best thing. I just thought that if she could understand me a little better it would work out. Maybe she just needs someone more like her.
[quote]MikeMezz wrote:
But that’s my main question: is that what a relationship is supposed to be? Am I the one who has a warped perception of it all? [/quote]
No, it’s not you. If you give in now, you are screwed. You will resent the hell out of her and she will see this as a win and try to further control you. And if you break up a while down the road you will be pissed you gave up all that training time.
Lay it on the line. Tell her training is something you need in your life. If she can’t understand that then it’s not going to “work out.”
I’m similar in that I really like (need) some alone time during the week. For me it is usually the gym also. The difference is my wife support me.
It’s a tough situation. You need to find a way to get her to see why you like/need this time. Otherwise it’s going to be a relationship of fighting.
Are you making enough time for her? Could you re-prioritize so both of you are happy? Is she a hypocrite (what I mean is, does she have something similiar she likes/needs to do that takes time away from the two of you)?
You need to communicate with her at a time when the two of you aren’t fighting about this. Sit down on Sunday morning with a cup of coffee and talk it out. You need to set boudaries and get a better understanding of expecations (on both sides) as far as your relationship is concerned.
You’re not necessarily supposed to find someone who’s similar to you. You find someone who compliments your strengths and nullifies your weaknesses. A big thing that’s been touched here before is that they have to understand that they are responsible for their own happiness. If a girl needs you for her own happiness what happens when you stop making her feel that way? Even for a second.
First off, love your username and Vegeta is deff my favorite character of. all. time.
But yes, I agree, and I have said something along those lines to her already. We’re currently trying to “see if we can make it work,” but she says that she can’t be happy unless we see each other all the time. I don’t know, that sounds crazy to me, but whatever. I just wish she could let me do my thing and we’d have a good relationship, instead of trying to always make me feel guilty for “choosing the gym over her.”
I mean, honestly, why would a girl get upset their boyfriend likes to go to the gym? Wouldn’t some girls prefer their boyfriends take more interest in their health and appearance? I’ll never get it. . .
[quote]usmccds423 wrote:
I’m similar in that I really like (need) some alone time during the week. For me it is usually the gym also. The difference is my wife support me.
It’s a tough situation. You need to find a way to get her to see why you like/need this time. Otherwise it’s going to be a relationship of fighting.
Are you making enough time for her? Could you re-prioritize so both of you are happy? Is she a hypocrite (what I mean is, does she have something similiar she likes/needs to do that takes time away from the two of you)?
You need to communicate with her at a time when the two of you aren’t fighting about this. Sit down on Sunday morning with a cup of coffee and talk it out. You need to set boudaries and get a better understanding of expecations (on both sides) as far as your relationship is concerned. [/quote]
Getting her to see why I need this time is a good point to bring up. She needs to understand that the “space” I need is not because I don’t like her or don’t want to be around her, or anything like that. I want (need) this space because I want the relationship to work! And I didn’t realize that until just now. Too much of this constant contact will make me want more distance. I want her in my life, and thus I need the space to let this thing grow. I don’t need constant contact to feel loved by a person; I’m more like a cat. I get it, but I don’t need the constant affirmation to know it’s going well, or to feel comfortable.
[quote]MikeMezz wrote:
She’s very needy, and I just can’t give myself up for that kind of intensity–not anymore (I’ve had a similar relationship and it was the worst one I’ll ever have).
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I think you answered your own question with that statement.
[quote]MikeMezz wrote:
She’s very needy, and I just can’t give myself up for that kind of intensity–not anymore (I’ve had a similar relationship and it was the worst one I’ll ever have).
[/quote]
I think you answered your own question with that statement.[/quote]
RIght, well, partly. The only difference is that this girl actually tries to listen to me when I speak my mind. The other I was referring to had a serious mental issue and was incapable of seeing anyone else’s perspective on things. This girl could actually have a chance at understanding my needs. Of course I realize the potential, but I’m hoping for the alternative. .
I was in the same situation for years, then we got married! I love her more than anyone or anything. The way I handled the situation is this, if she has something in her life outside of you, you need to make her understand that whatever her “thing” is, it’s obviously important to her, and you’re not asking that she give that up. If she doesn’t have anything, she needs something.
Maybe suggest she go to the gym with you, that’s what I did too, and she actually fell in love with training! I thought at first it was a bad idea, but after she got into it, it became something we both love. We prepare our meals together now, and I help her with her programming. Not to mention her body (which was already nice) got amazing!!
[quote]mixongc wrote:
I was in the same situation for years, then we got married! I love her more than anyone or anything. The way I handled the situation is this, if she has something in her life outside of you, you need to make her understand that whatever her “thing” is, it’s obviously important to her, and you’re not asking that she give that up. If she doesn’t have anything, she needs something.
Maybe suggest she go to the gym with you, that’s what I did too, and she actually fell in love with training! I thought at first it was a bad idea, but after she got into it, it became something we both love. We prepare our meals together now, and I help her with her programming. Not to mention her body (which was already nice) got amazing!![/quote]
That’s exactly what I want. You have it pretty great it seems. I just wish she’d actually do this. I have tried to get her to come with me, but she just doesn’t have any interest whatsoever. And the hardest thing about this is that she has no hobbies at all. Nothing. When I ask her what makes her happy the only thing she says is me. That’s not healthy, is it?
I have a list of things that make me happy, but when I’m with her I don’t get to do them. That’s my biggest complaint. SUre being with her makes me happy, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to do all those other things. I need to get her to understand this somehow.
[quote]mixongc wrote:
I was in the same situation for years, then we got married! I love her more than anyone or anything. The way I handled the situation is this, if she has something in her life outside of you, you need to make her understand that whatever her “thing” is, it’s obviously important to her, and you’re not asking that she give that up. If she doesn’t have anything, she needs something.
Maybe suggest she go to the gym with you, that’s what I did too, and she actually fell in love with training! I thought at first it was a bad idea, but after she got into it, it became something we both love. We prepare our meals together now, and I help her with her programming. Not to mention her body (which was already nice) got amazing!![/quote]
That’s exactly what I want. You have it pretty great it seems. I just wish she’d actually do this. I have tried to get her to come with me, but she just doesn’t have any interest whatsoever. And the hardest thing about this is that she has no hobbies at all. Nothing. When I ask her what makes her happy the only thing she says is me. That’s not healthy, is it?
I have a list of things that make me happy, but when I’m with her I don’t get to do them. That’s my biggest complaint. SUre being with her makes me happy, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to do all those other things. I need to get her to understand this somehow. [/quote]
If she has no other hobbies or interests, that sounds like a huge red flag to me. She is completely dependent on others to make her happy/entertain her is sounds like. I know you enjoy being with her, but keep that in mind.
[quote]MikeMezz wrote:
And the hardest thing about this is that she has no hobbies at all. Nothing. When I ask her what makes her happy the only thing she says is me. That’s not healthy, is it?
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[quote]MikeMezz wrote:
And the hardest thing about this is that she has no hobbies at all. Nothing. When I ask her what makes her happy the only thing she says is me. That’s not healthy, is it?
[/quote]
