T Nation

Girl Advice


I started talking to this girl on Tinder (don't hate; it works well. I even wrote a few blog posts about it). I'm 22; she's 19. She lives a bit over an hour away. Long story short, we really click and text a bunch every day. Which normally is not my M.O. at all. I mostly use texting for logistics.

I've never met a girl I clicked with so much before though. She's like the female me and cute as fuck too. I don't have to wonder, "Does she know what I mean?" and dumb things down. She gets all my jokes and is funny as shit herself. And this chick reads as much as me. This little 20-year-old blonde girl was talking to me about Plato and Nietzsche. I think that's fucking cool. And she's into bikes like me and the same music and all that shit.

I once joked about how people have those, "Proud Parent of an Honor Student" bumper stickers. I'm like, "It would be funny if someone had like, 'Proud parent of a tax accountant' or 'Proud parent of a divorce attorney' or some shit." And I got one in the mail 2 days later. It's on my car now, haha. I enjoy watching people's reactions in the rear view.

We've talked on the phone a few times and I've made 3 attempts to meet her. She's always busy. I know she actually is really busy, but she could definitely have made time. I told her last time, "This is my last attempt at making plans with you: I have tickets to Lolla next week. Come with." She thought about it for a few days and said she couldn't. She outright told me she doesn't want to meet me yet later.

Fast forward to this Sunday. I had a hectic week and weekend and I'm getting buzzed and playing with my dog. It's like noon and I'm enjoying myself. I'm coherent, but somewhat out of it. She calls me. She's at some cabin with her family. Oh yeah, her dad recently died and she just got out of a long-term relationship.

Most of our conversations aren't too serious, but we talked about real shit. I don't remember the details honestly on account of the drugs, but I checked the call log the next day and it was over an hour. Anyway, she texted me later with this:

"So when I lost my dad, I lost part of me. And now I'm in this phase where I'm discovering who I am without him which is a new person. And then on top of that, I just got out of a long term relationship and have to figure out who I am without him. So moral of the story, I need a little time to figure myself out. I care about you a lot clearly. Your opinion really matters to me so I want to feel confident enough in myself to present myself in the best way possible to you.

But i's really hard for me because I've been in this little rut now for a month or two where I don't care about anyone. I just want you to know it's not you. Like, I sit here all the time an think to myself wow all I want to do is go chill with him. But I have all these issues that scare the shit out of me that I need to deal with. I do, however, think it's getting better because it's getting harder and harder to stay away from you. And I'm sure this is all stupid and I'm asking a lot of you to put up with my shit. But I would really appreciate if you could understand that and just know that I do plan on meeting you."

I told her thatâ??s all fine. I canâ??t be upset at all with her. Her dad just died. But hereâ??s my selfish perspective:

I joined the Marine Corps Reserve and I'm leaving for ~6 months in a few months. Like I said, this girl is cool as fuck and who knows where both of our minds will be after 6 months of radio silence if we don't get to know one another beforehand. As I said, I'll be a reservist, so I'll be back to finish my last semester of college afterward and pursue my other goals and shit.

Also, I feel like I'm being used for emotional support and jerked around with nothing in return here. And I'm fine with that. I enjoy talking to this girl. But I think that subconscious cues or precedents or whatever matter a lot and I'm not sure this sets good ones. Honestly, I'm not good with this type of shit. I'd date the shit out of this girl, but I haven't been in a relationship since high school. I've just had a steady rotation of friends with benefits type situations. So I'm not sure how to approach this conundrum.

So I'm considering telling her that we need to stop talking. That I'm not upset in the slightest and that she should take her time sorting out whatever she needs to sort out. But that she needs to either contact me when she wants to meet or not contact me at all.

I realize this is cunty in the short-term, but I think it may be the best long-term play for both of us.

I come to you, hat in hand, for advice.


I quit reading after the 5th paragraph....

Move on, she's not into you.
She friend zoned you a while ago.
There is a girl out there for you, but she isn't it so quit wasting your time.
No matter how much you like her, it doesn't change the fact that she isn't into you.

Note her lack of effort in meeting up, this should be a clue to the above.

All the great conversations you've had with her were "friend" conversations.


Probably a dude.


Friends are cool.

You got attached too soon though, especially if you haven't met in person yet. You don't even know if the physical rapport actually works.

Short story, from a younger, stupider me. Once upon a time, I met a girl online, we chatted via IM (pre text) almost constantly for a few weeks. She was moving to my town, and actually moved in with me... and that was the first time we met. For as good as the chemistry was in writing, it just didn't work in person. She stayed on the couch for about a month and moved elsewhere. Over the years we've talked here and there and all that friendship-stuff is still there, just nothing more.

On the other hand, there are girls where the physical chemistry works but nothing else.

Best bet is to find a mix where the physical and intellectual and emotional chemistry is all pretty good... but none of that can take place of the physical chemistry (for a guy). It's important to meet ASAP to decide if it's even worth further investment.


Right, hence my last paragraph/proposition. Thoughts?


Fixed that for you.

Honestly, at your age, just keep riding the wave and see where it goes man. Don't pass up anything good that comes into your life (as in a great woman).

Don't get hung up on her, but don't kick it to the curb either.

If you need strange, get some, but don't pressure her, and dont' stress it.

You're young, have a busy schedule lined up and don't need headaches. Enjoy your friendship/connection/young love for what it is and keep going forward in your life.


You seem like a pretty level headed guy. You gave this thing as fair a shot as could be expected, but it just didn't pan out. Just wish her the best and move on with your life. There are plenty of girls out there you will click just as well with, I promise.



That's what I'd normally say, but she just lost her dad and got out of a 2.5-year relationship. I know what the former feels like and imagine the latter doesn't feel great either, and I really can't fairly come to the conclusion that it's me and not her. And I have no problem objectively coming to that conclusion; I just can't right now because I have no point of reference.


While I enjoy talking to her, I have no interest in being long-term pen pals. Things need to go either one way or the other.


Your call.

If you're finding yourself so emotionally attached that it's hindering your ability to meet or pursue anyone else, then you should probably call it off.

If you're ok maintaining what is, at this point, nothing more than a friendship with some flirtation, then I don't see any need to end it.

I know in the past that if I was "talking" with a girl and it wasn't going anywhere, that it actually kept me from pursuing anything new because I secretly wanted things to work out.

If you feel like dating someone new is somehow "cheating" on her, or some other mental hangup, then you should probably stop talking to her, for your sake.

In other words, it's your call. If you back off some and she pursues you, then it's a different story.


I'm dating several girls right now. I just think keeping this going could dig a rut and hurt any chances of us being a thing in the future. I'd rather go all or nothing.


Hurt chances from your side or her side?

Be careful with that kind of thinking because you can't predict how she'll react (as much as you think you can predict that kind of stuff, all sorts of weird things happen).

In other words, just focus on what's right for you.


Fair enough, however:

I think if you push it, it is over. And I don't think that is what you want.

Whether she is being honest or not, she isn't ready to see you for some reason. If you say now or never, it will likely be never. And if it is now, she'll not be herself, feel pressured, and the whole thing is ruined.

Like most women, and relationships you really have to work on her timeline, you can nod and push here and there, but everything has to happen at a speed she is comfortable with, otherwise it turns out shitty. She might get cold, not enjoy herself, be self-conscious, etc etc tec.

Do what you want, but like I said, if I were you I would carry on the way you are and see how things are when you get back from basic if she hasn't come yet. Because she isn't telling you these emotional things because she wants you to pressure her. If it's a test, it is to make sure you won't.


I mean, it would have to be mutual?


I don't want to say now or never. I want to say, 'Take your time and get your head right, but I don't want to be texting every day. Here's my email. you have my number. I leave in October. Hit me up if you want to meet up.'


Maybe a better question is... what scenarios do you see happening that would "hurt chances in the future"?


This pen pal thing just drags on 'til October when I leave, then we forget one another.


There is a lot of "youth" at play here too, and I'm not saying that in a "get off my lawn way".

Just that youth can play into a woman's insecurities, and it isn't like going to meet your internet crush is the easiest thing to do...


Listen to Beans, he gave you exactly the right advice.

You're overthinking it man. You like talking to her, so talk to her. Nothing's stopping you from going and meeting someone else and if that happens then it's all well and good but there's no reason to give her an ultimatum or anything like that.

Just enjoy it for what it is. Maybe something'll come of it, maybe it won't, but it definitely won't work if you try and force it.

EDIT: just saw the other stuff Beans wrote. That was all correct too. Listen to him!


You'll learn womenspeak in time, but what she will read is:

"I'm not willing to wait for you, at this point the only fulfilling thing about us is the potential to get my dick wet. So either come or find someone else who wants to be an emotional support."

I could be wrong here, but I'm being honest when I say if this is something you want to see work out, saying the above is not how to accomplish that.

Women think differently than men. Young women even more so. You may say "wow you look hot today" on Monday and she may very well turn around and say "Why thank you" but if you say it on Tuesday instead she will say "What? Does that mean I look like shit every other day?"

It seems like you know what you want, and what you want to do to attempt to get it. Just go do it. If you're mind is made up don't look for validation. No one pays the consequences of your choice but you.