Getting Rid of my Squat Rack

This has been the worst weekend for being a gym owner. You can’t imagine the messes I had to clean up after these primadonna weight lifters that frequent my gym. Seriously, you pay your fees to use my equipment in the enviroment I supply. No where in the contract does it say you can puke in trash cans stinking up the place or rip your asshole out and shit and bleed all over my floor and think it’s ok. No where. It’s not in there. At all.

This has never happened before in my 20 years of being involved with weights. I’ve owned this gym for a while and have a good clientele base and, for the most part, the trouble I’ve had has been minor at best. Loose dumbbells, cardio bunnies complaining about the grunting by the powerlifters, powerlifters complaining about the skinny guys checking their abs out in the mirror. I must’ve won the shit lottery this weekend because the flood gates have opened.

It all started when this jabronie who decided it would be the best idea to puke in the trashcan in front of the carido equipment. The bathroom was another 12 feet away. Anyways, I told him this behavior is unacceptable and he proceeds to argue with me like he owned the place. I couldn’t believe it! He didn’t even have the decency to wipe the little chunks of egg and oatmeal from his lips as he talked to me. He told me that it was common for people to puke in the gym so I told him if it was common I would’ve set up puke buckets. He was surprised when I said I have never puked in my 20 years of lifting. He really thought it was THAT common!! I have by the way but I had enough sense to go to the bathroom and not show my breakfast to the hotties on the eliptical. I had the poor kid behind the counter take the puke trash out before it started to stink and make everyone else who caught a whiff chuck up their cheerios and then I would’ve had a real mess on my hands.

So, things died down for a while. Pukie McFuckface left not too long after that incedent. Apparently his 185 lbs squats kicked the shit outta him and I thought all the drama of my day was done. I get a quick workout in before the real fun started. I had just returned from my shower to resume work when I hear a scream coming from the weight room. I run out there and see this fucking guy’s asshole hanging out dragging behind him as he’s making his way to the waterfountain. A water buffalo on a treadmill passed out and crashed into the wall behind her. I asked this guy what the fuck he thought he was doing as I looked behind him to see this trail of blood and feces line all the way back to the squat rack, along with pools of vomit and fainted bodies of the other patrons who were in room who were unfortunate enough to witness the gore. He said, I shit you not, “what’s the big deal? I’m sure you’ve blown your asshole out before.” To which I replied, “Someone get him and amberlamps!!” To which he replied, “How about a tube snake boogie instead?” I said, “I doubt that, it looks like you burst your o’ring.”

I have to close my gym down for a week to sterilize the floor and get that God awful smell out. I’ll probably have to go out of business; I’m sure all who were witness to the terrible events will be forever scarred. I know I am…

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This is awesome but we need pics or it didn’t happen.

You should sale t-shirts: I blew my ass out at Polo’s Rec Center.

Holy crap, Polo!
Is that for real?

Shit-lottery indeed!

Haha! Got me!

Nice one, Polo!

hahah great post.

Wow, we’ve moved into the multi-thread parody age. There’s no telling what’s next.

Parody of parody threads = win

I had to read that twice it was so funny !

Double parody awsomeness! I was wiping tears away during the second half of that one. You rule.



War blown o’ring.