I was going to make this a huge rant about life in general but I might spare that for later.
Anyway,for some background,when I was hitting adolescence,I got strangely depressed for no apparent reason and really kind of shut myself off from a lot of the world,except for some friends. My school started going worse and I even ended up in psychiatric care because the school staff perceived I was a victim of incest or something like that. Recently when I’ve been studying my life,present and past,I’ve come to identify bullying,or shall I say lack of good company and the precense of bad,as a reason for a lot of my mental and emotional hardship.
Since I was like seven,I got involved with a person who was largely avoided by the rest of the class. This went on and off until I was about 18 (as of writing,I’m 24) and finally kind of said “no” although in a subtle,even submissive way. Over time there were some other friends who were abusive and through these I got into some sticky situations with strangers.
Anyway,I’m sure there are people,even on this forum maybe,who by certain criteria have had it twice or three times as bad in a technical sense but this is me.
Mostly the abuse involved subtle or less subtle belittlement,mockery,calling names,ridicule in front of spectators,slight property damage and theft,ungratefullness,deception,threats and physical abuse; punching,grappling,had a knife to my neck (presumably as a ‘joke’) etc.
What pisses me off is that given the following premises,it’s supposed to be OK:
-It was many years ago,so get over it
-you probably did something bad too (never mind if it was not close)
-“they/it/he/her…problematic childhood” blah,blah"
Sometimes I try to rationalize it by thinking that I’m simply inherently sensitive and sort of deluded in my feelings to take things as bad as they feel. Then again,I sincerely believe it’s contrary to human nature (biologically) to simply forget and forgive; if something bothers you,then that is not the option. Human life like animal life is about dominance and getting raked over the coals and then going Jesus on the guilty is submission,which is inherently harmful for a human,and relegates them to a bottom feeding existence of inferiority. I feel like a part of my being is engaged in a preparation for a final confrontation which only one can leave standing. I keep having dreams about it constantly. Sometimes it includes fighting,sometimes negotiation. These images probably have inspired or irritated me into training somewhat.
Sometimes I get mellow and feel like hugging the world in all its glory and filth alike, but unfortunately that feeling passes. Sometimes I feel like taking therapy but a slightly easier day comes,and I delay it.
I kind of juggle between two extremes in philosophy and emotion. I feel that I tend towards the soft and forgiving side,and this could not happen again but I find it hard to get over the damages that were inflicted when I was vulnerable.
Thanks for reading.