T Nation

Getting over a Relationship

Hey all,my girlfriend and I split up 3 months ago, and though we stayed in contact as friends,she has now started dating her supervisor from work.


I now realise its not realistic to carry on as friends so my question to you is how long did it take you to get over a split?.


We dated for two and a half years and I thought things were going well up till September.
At the moment my chin is on the floor and I feel let down,which I know is not a T-man thing to say so any helpful advice would be appreciated.

First thing is to not dog yourself out for feeling bad. As guys we’re not supposed to have emotions but we do anyway so I think it’s better to deal with them than to bottle them down and act like some robot. Depending on how close you were, losing a relationship is a mourning process and you need to not set a time limit on when you are supposed to “feel okay,” and need to let it work its way through. In the meantime work on yourself and get with your friends that have a positive influence in your life. If you have any sort of crazy feelings then don’t hesitate to talk them over with a counselor.

Get in the gym, crank up the intensity of your workouts, and make yourself better. Best way to keep your mind over the situation, and once you’ve worked up to the point where you know your better than her, your over it.

I am at a similar point. The girl I was going to ask to marry me just broke up with me Sunday. Out of the blue. Just blind-sided me. So I’m in this ultra-depressed state thinking why it makes me physically nauseous 24/7. It sucks but life will go on and you will put the memory away enough so that your ok with it. It just takes time, and as a sufferer of the same dillema it’s hard but must be done…like leg day(lol).
I hope you start healing fast man and let me know if you wanna vent through some chat with another dude in the same situation.
Cheers
Kaleb

It can take years - you don’t want to hear that, but it’s true. I think the most important thing is to NOT ‘try’ to get over her by doing something out of character, like sleeping around or something like that. You have to go through the natural greaving process, give yourself time and try to keep yourself busy so you don’t obsess. Going to the gym is a great idea, hang out with friends, avoid things that will remind you of her - like certian restaurants, movies, etc. It may be a chiche, but time really does heal all wounds.

I think a realistic expectation is that it would take you anywhere from a 1/4 to 1/3 of the time you were seriously dating her to get over her. Personally, I think it can be quicker if you cut off contact with her completely, and jump back on the horse in terms of going out on dates – it just keeps you from focusing on her and reinforces the notion that there are all those other great fish in the sea. Also, keep yourself busy with your friends.


Overall it sucks, but it gets better with time if you let go of it. Good luck broth-ah.

I understand what you are going through. I just got out of a relationship about that duration. Its been about 6months and still think of her bout everyday, but not with the same intensity. Best advice is realize that it does suck, but there is someone out there for you that will be “the right fit”. Also, go out and hang with a new crowd and meet some new friends. (Lots of fish in the sea). Lastly, when you feel like life is full of crap go out and serve someone less fortunate than you or go help someone. It always will lift your spirit and help you realize how fortunate and blessed we really are in life. In faith, jhat

My heart goes out to you dear friend, and I pray that you will soon find the relief you’re looking for. I agree with most everything the people above have said, especially Michelle who seems to give consistently good advice even for a girl(jk :o). I don’t post much as I enjoy learning from more experienced trainers as far as bb goes, but I feel rather qualified to offer some different ideas.

First, be very wary of what this does to your confidence! I think this proves to be the make it or break it quality as far as relationships go, and if you don’t feel confident now then that’s okay–fake it! Fake it till you make it, or so the saying goes. Careful that your confidence does not overcompensate by giving way to ego; confidence is believing you’re great, but ego is thinking that you’re better than everyone else. Believe that you’re great and others will follow suit.

Devote your time to nurturing what you know is a wounded self-image, and realize that it takes time just as building a really great body does too. Do things that you’re good at or that make you feel confident in yourself, safe things that don’t hurt other people in the process lest guilt plague you later. If the gym gives you confidence then do it and do it bigtime; if you have a big group of friends then hang out with them if they truly build you up; if you’re spritual then now is a great time to turn to whatever god you may believe in and let yourself be carried; if you’re parents are still alive then use this opportunity to bolster your relationship with them–they will undoubtedly tell you how great you are and will help you find your feet again.

My friend, it’s okay to be wounded; give yourself a purple heart for your hurting heart and wear it with some pride. Hold your head up because you allow yourself to really feel and care in a relationship rather than retreat and hold back to coddle your manly ego like many guys do–it takes real strength to endure real pain. And, only with your head held high will you be able to see the right woman when she passes your way.

Don’t try to get over it whatever you do–channel it into making yourself the better man. Michelle is right on that it will take years to get completely over such a longtime love, and it happens without your effort or even your notice, but you see her again one day and you feel no malice and no regret. Don’t delude yourself and bottle feelings to “feel better” by masking what’s really there–such is the path to more trouble. Hurt, be proud for hurting, build your confidence one stone at a time, renew your friendships, and keep your head up–you may meet your wife tomorrow and you won’t want to miss it. All the best and my prayers are yours my friend…take care.

I have no advice to offer, but the love of my life broke off our engagement 20 years ago and I had (yet another) dream about her and I last Saturday night. I’ve come to terms that I will never have her completely off of my mind. Best of all to you…

T-man or not these things can be hard to take for all of us. Through bitter experience I found I got over this sort of stuff much quicker if I completely cut her out. Dont stay friends with her if you have any of the old feelings - especially if she is seeing someone else, it will drive you crazy. Have nothing to do with her. Hope you pull yourself up dude - sure you will!

Yeah, my crazy ex-GF decided she needed a “break” after we’d been fighting some, so i’m like whatever. I leave her be for like 2 1/2 weeks, I send her an e-mail telling her i wanna get back together again and that this break bullshit isn’t cool…nothing…so i call her up and i’m like what’s going on and she’s like i think you know, doesn’t even say it, so i’m like say it so she’s like that’s it. So i keep calling her for like 2 weeks trying to peice together what made her have such a hatred for me in 2 weeks, everytime i called her i got the “i’m buisy” line. So i finally just e-mailed her, told her she changed into somebody else and that i didn’t even know her anymore. She sent me something back, some bullshit bout friends and shit. We don’t talk anymore. From what i pieced together some scumbag’s been coming around the pizza joint she works part time at, and has been just kinda creeping into her head and during this break i guess she finally started listening to her bitchy friends and cut me loose. See i’m stationed in DC and she lives in NY so we had a distance thing going. I dunno, i mean i’m still not over her , but it got me back in the gym, lifting hard, lifting seriously, and i swear, after i get done dieting i’m walking into that pizza joint with a goddamn wifebeater on and some bimbo on my arm so help me god, and i’m gonna make her and pencil neck feel real dumb.
-USCG Dog

Only time and there IS no set time will cure it. Please remember a healthy good looking body is great, but its not everything. Whats in your head and heart can be much more powerful to any chick. Great so your ex sees you buff and 20 lbs heavier a while down the road, who cares, heal your head. Best of luck. Get in the gym but dont make it your whole life. My .02

It will take as long as it takes you to find someone you think is better.

It’s interesting how there are so many people in the world, but that ‘perfect’ person always happens to live within 20 miles of our front door. Bullshit.

Give yourself a set amount of time to feel bad and then start casually dating a few women and get over it. I went through the same thing in april; I found someone much better for me in august. You’ll wonder what you ever felt sad about in the first place. I feel your pain though, really.

yeah, i guess i kinda blew my top on here…i may sound silly but that whole thought of “showing her up” (although in reality she’ll just think i’m a wierdo)keeps me somewhat level. If i do it or not who cares it’s the thought that counts. I’ll find some other woman someday, when i get a lil more confidence in my apearence and get out to meet people, but until then i think i’ll just hit the gym real hard, eat right and try to spread that word to as many people in my barracks as i can.


-USCG Dog

Guys…do I ever know what you are all going through right now! I was in the same situation as you all a couple years ago. Here’s the story, my girl decided one day (out of the blue - seems to be common) to take a break. This was after we came back from a long weekend camping with friends (or so I thought). After a week of torment she told me that she didn’t love me anymore and we broke up. I later found out that while camping one of my “friends” had fooled around with her (no sex but it still pisses me off). Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that this was after we spent 7 years together!!! (from 16yrs to 23yrs). Anyways, this was in July…I hung around with some uplifting and positive minded friends and that seemed to help alot. During that time I also found God but we won’t discuss that here. I also went out and ended up meeting some really wonderfull girls. I met one in September and we dated for a while but the distance bothered me (7 hours apart). I then met the best girl in January, we dated for almost 1 year (I was afraid of committment - can you blame me). We have now been together for 2 years (I’m 25yrs). We met in a meeting for a University study which I am working on as a Graduate student (she was doing a co-op placement). Turns out that we study the same subject in school (she’s a year younger and went to a different University), love working out, and get this…she lives less than 10 minutes away from my place and I had never met her (live in a small town of less than 10,000 people)! So if you can be patient, don’t worry…you’ll find the one that is right for you. Needless to say that the ex wanted to get back together at one point in time but I had moved on to better pastures! You’ll do the same!!!


Hang in there bro’s!

Keep your head up, your chin protected and just know that after all this horse-shit with women is over? Out-comes a forged mind made of steel and the lifting intensity of a Fucking Hydraulic Crane!, keep tight brother :slight_smile:

R