T Nation

Getting Married -Advice


#1

Hey folks,

I got engaged recently and I’m curious to know more about keeping a happy marriage from all you gents with experience in this department. Any tips, things that worked for you, things that didn’t, or anything else relevant is welcome.


#2

congratulations, mate! I hope you have a very happy future together.


#3

I am certain you will get a lot of feedback on this topic.

Been married neary 21 years and have a half dozen kids to show for it.

So here goes:

1- make your relationship with God your first priority.
2- devote time to your spouse every day. Easy enough while it is just the 2 of you.
3- have a date nite each week to remember to enjoy each other.
4- Hit the sack together. Spend that quiet time with your mate, not on here with us.
5- communicate with her. Talk! Don’t text! Too many ways to take the written word, depending on your mood.

A buddy of mine had a great marriage until they got a cell phone plan. He would come in to work beefing about something she wrote. He would read it one way, I would present a different angle just to try and alert him to the differences. At the end of the marriage, they barely spoke and she ended up with his dog because he refused to talk it thru. You know the drill. Inflection in the human voice is something you can’t ‘read’ in a text message.

Best wishes and Enjoy each other. It isn’t always easy, but it is one great experience.


#4

Just wanted to agree with jeffreydb, COMMUNICATION. Yes, it is that important.

Next month will be 17 years married, 15 of that during a Navy career. We lived together for a year or so before we married, which worked out well for us because we figured out most of that stuff before actual marriage. When we would have issues (back then), she would bitch to her friends while I was bitching to my mom. Finally, my mom said to me once, ‘have you said any of this to her?’ Duh. Light bulb.

I was gone a LOT during my marriage (still am), but we always made a point to talk as much as possible. I would actually take shit from other guys about it - ‘what could you possibly have to talk to your wife about for 45 minutes?’ Uh, how about I enjoy conversations with her?

Anyway. Communication.

If/when you have kids, you need to be on the same page about discipline and child-rearing type stuff. And while it might be hard when the kids are real little, you HAVE to make your spouse a priority. Your spouse always comes first. Always. You two were together before the kids, and God willing you will still be together after they are grown and gone.

Good luck to you.


#5

Hate to shit on the parade, but I have been married twice and I have a few thoughts. I think I speak for both my first and second wife when I give you the following ten rules.

  1. DON’T!
  2. Refer to #1.
  3. If you have to, DON’T!
  4. Refer to rule #1.
  5. Only get married to have kids.
  6. DON’T!
  7. Refer to #1.
  8. Have a prenup!
  9. DON’T
  10. See #9.

However, if you have to - make your wife more important than your kids and insist that she does the same for you.

Have date nights - keep it intimate.

Make her special.

Insist that she make you special.

If it gets sideways, get counseling.

Talk. A lot. Not about work and crap, but about you as a couple. Make the marriage the most important thing in the world.

Keep a coffee can full of cash for when she tells you to get the fuck out and freezes all of your accounts…just sayin’ Bro.


#6

You can overcome anything except resentment. Both need to know how to communicate issues and how to get over them.


#7

The Myth nailed it! My ex and I screwed up a perfectly good relationship that way. 17 years down the drain. You can’t get that shit back!


#8

I do not understand why people get legally married. It makes no sense to me. The idea of marriage I absolutely believe in-- I believe in monogamy, being there for one another, etcetera… but to say, “Yeah come on in government and justice system, you can be a part of my relationship too!” just seems crazy.


#9

To get the legal benefits of your union is usually a good reason, especially if you are going to be together regardless, why not get the benefits for it?


#10

Don’t sweat the small stuff.


#11

This x1000000.

Don’t let things that bother you build up over time. You have to communicate when things are bothering you, when things make you happy, when you want help with something, etc etc…

Sit down and eat dinner together every single night. No TV, no smart phone, nothing except each other. It’s huge.


#12

Thanks for the replies thus far guys!

To add a little bit of perspective, we don’t want any more kids (I have a young child from a previous relationship and my fiancée has really embraced becoming a step-mom). I’m also getting on in my medical education, so long hours, weird scheduling, and bringing work home are a way of life from here on out. It’s definitely going to be a challenge to make “us” time, but from the sounds of it, well worth it.