My wife has been an alcoholic since I’ve known her (16yrs). Having never had any experience with alcoholics, I thought she was just child like me and when we got married she would quit, like me.
Not so. She turned into a mean drunk, and has even hit me. Dont worry, doesn’t hurt.
Anyway, over the years, I have become depressed (lack of sex, intimacy, and peace). I am stuck with 4 children. Michigan laws would definitely give custody to her (don’t get me started).
So, now I take paxil. A side effect of Paxil is ED. So now I have a scropt for Levitra.
Let’s ask the question. If I was getting some, I wouldn’t be depressed, I wouldn’t be taking Paxil, I wouldn’t have ED.
Now I pay a pharmaceutical company so that if I want to have sex with myself, the machinery will work.
Do you still love your wife? Do you think there is a chance that your marriage can be saved?If you answer no to the first one,than the answer to second is already answered.
You are in a tough spot and the only person that can figure out what to do is you.Maybe you’ve already made up your mind and just dont know it yet(it kind of sounds like it in your post).Losing your kids would be hard…if that’s what happens.I cant see any judge giving custody to a person who is a known drunk.Of course you’ll have to prove it.
Maybe contact a lawyer and see what needs to be done.
Good luck whatever you decide.
Sorry about your situation. First off, don’t stop the Paxil cold turkey or you might have some severe episodes of depression or mania.
I would consult a divore attorney or 10 that could possible steer you in a direction where you can get custody of kids. Staying married to an alchoholic doesn’t HELP your kids it actually hurts them, AND you. Get yourself into some counseling for your depression and possibly getting your kids help too.
Dude your situation really sucks. My heart goes out to you.
Any chance you can get her to quit drinking? Or at least limit it to the weekends, or something? Have you talked to her about slowing down or evevn quitting and that you do not like it?
Alcoholics get mean because they drink so dam much.
An alcoholic cannot just decide to drink less or on certain days of the week, at least for any length of time. If they could they are probably heavy drinkers and not alcoholics. If alcoholics want to rehabilitate, they have to stay off the sauce. To do that, they have to want to be sober. Forcing someone into recovery usually does not work long term.
Or, considering that they may stay sober, they will likely harbour resentments that will tear your marriage apart anyway. Your best short term self help tool is to join one of the AA support groups for people living with alcoholics. At least they can get your thinking straight because you are cross-wired with an alcoholic’s way of thinking and probably do not even know it. Get your head straight and a solution will likely appear to you with time.
First off, my condolences. How you’ve managed 16 years of that, is beyond me. That’s love. I agree with the previous poster, it sounds like you have already decided, just don’t realize it yet.
If you talk to a lawyer who offers a free consult, find a few more who will do this. Usually the free consult will only give you so much info, so if you talk to a few of them, you should be able to get a bigger picture, and possibly find a better lawyer than if you stuck with the first one.
If she is a mean drunk, try to get proof(video would be choice, as well as pictures of any marks she may have left on you; hate using children as leverage, but if the video shows that she’s getting tanked in front of the kids, even better for your case; I am guessing you had to see a therapist to get the scrip for Paxil, if so, get statements from them showing how her addiction has affected your mental health–caveat: when talking to a lawyer, find out if showing yourself to be depressed might actually hurt your case, if so, hold that info back so if her attorney throws it out there, you can blame it on her).
This can be used as part of an intervention, or as part of a divorce proceeding. Intervention-use the evidence to point out how she is hurting you and the family, in addition to herself. Divorce-could be the card that gets you primary custody. I can’t see any judge in his right mind giving custody to a proven alcoholic(but then I’ve never spent much time in Michigan).
Just some thoughts, as I’ve never had to deal with this type of thing. I have been extrememly lucky in the woman I married. A lesser woman probably would have left me years ago.
Your situation truly sucks, my friend. Best advice i can give you…life is too short to be stuck forever in a miserable situation. Tell her it’s either the booze, or you, and mean it when you say it. If she picks the booze, you have to leave for your own sanity.
There is absolutely no reason that you should have to self-medicate because she can’t stop drinking. You have demonstrated your commitment to her…now force her to choose. If she chooses wrong, walk away and NEVER look back. Never regret saving yourself.
Try to get her help somehow. My dad lost a wife and I lost a mom to alcoholism. My only thought is I wish we would have gotten her help when she clearly needed it.
You’re the one who needs counseling first. Find a program for people who live with alcoholics. They will give you some insight, but don’t take them literally, and don’t depend on them. They’re for advice only.
Just remember this…you always take care of your own well being first, then take care of the kids, and only then care for somebody else. That might not sound right, but it is.
If you want to keep the kids, make a big issue about her endangering your childrens lives by driving them while shes drunk. Make sure to say things about it in front of the kids, and hopefully they will notice when she has been drinking, so that when the kids are questioned, they can confirm that she has driven drunk with them in the car.
Liability is at an all time high, and a judge is not going to give her custody, and you can avoid maintenance and possibly support.
If you want to stay with her, you have got to show her in no uncertain terms that she is choosing alcohol over her children. When most people are faced with this reality, they will at least give sobriety a try.
If you need sex, then in my opinion you should do whatever you need to do. But it sounds like you are more in need of an emotional affair than sex. Believe me, you would not be the first spouse of an alcoholic that strayed from their marraige.
Update:
Yes I am a sophomore at Al-Anon. I get my second coin in July. If it wasn’t for my Dr. prescribing Al-Anon in '05, I probably would have done something drastic.
To all the people who are wondering if I have already made my decision, I can’t say for sure. There are days. Where I am really stuck is the right thing for her is wrong for me and vice-versa.
Do I love her? I think I could. I can’t imagine being with anyone else.
Her sister wants me to tell her AA or the door.
We start marriage counseling with a shrink in a couple of weeks. Her sister said to make sure sure it is a psychiatrist (with the “chi”), because it is likely there are other mental issues as well that will likely need scrips.
Anyway, I get so pissed because of what is happening to me. Silverlining: I sometimes push just a little harder at the gym. I am too smart to overdo it, but the results are fantastic. One day I’ll get a camera and so you can all check the abs.
I’m a recovering Alcoholic. Until your wife stops and finds a program like AA there is little hope to getting that old person back.
Over time the disease progresses and never gets better.
Until you can tell her “AA or the Highway”, there is nothing YOU can do to change the situation. She must change as well as you.
PM me if you have any more questions.[/quote]
Dead on. I feel for you, man, but as Rockscar says, changing has to be the most important thing in the world to her before she’ll do it. Stick with her, give her the chance, and stick to your guns. The situation will never improve otherwise.