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George Carlin cracks me up!

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NA?VE

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

OK… so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs”, what does that make the Tennessee Titans ?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one enjoys it?

There are three religious truths: 1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. 3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What’s a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts” and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me…they’re cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says, “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Eric: beautiful. Just absolutely beautiful. Thanks for posting this! Carlin is one of my all time faves! As well as Steven Wright. Just love this sort of humor.

Here, let me post some of his (Steven's) best:

The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Sometimes I...No, I don't

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I woke up one morning and looked around the room. Something wasn't right. I realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica.

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell...except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...

I have a friend who's a billionaire. He invented Cliff notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea, he said, "Well first I.....I just....to make a long story short..."

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I'm so tired...I was up all night trying to round off infinity

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Today I...........No, that wasn't me.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night

"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

"I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once. He was fun when he was a puppy. I named him Stay. When I'd call him I'd say C'mere Stay C'mere Stay and he'd go like this..(FILL IN THE MOVEMENT YOURSELF). He's a lot smarter than that now. Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing."

I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn't do anything...so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just flick that switch up and down...up and down...up and down....Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany...it just said, "Cut it out."

So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny.

((all of the above are much more effective if said in as deadpan a tone possible. ))

More Carlin:

If you have 23 odds and ends on a table and you take 22 of them away, what do you have left? An odd…or an end?

I never travel on a non-stop plane to anywhere. I want to stop.

Similarly, the terminal building scares me.

And so on and so forth. George Carlin is definitely an original, and he’s been funny for decades. I used to laugh at his stuff with my Dad back when I was in high school.

How did I know that Patricia would be all over this thread?:slight_smile: A few more:
If you love someone, set them free; if they come home, set them on fire.

I don’t eat sushi. I’m uncomfortable eating things that are only unconscious.

Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room?

No one can ever know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

And, my alltime favorite: “Fuck soccer moms.”

My all time favorite…you can prick your finger, but never finger your pri…

I spit coffee all over my computer screen when reading this thread, I think my boss has figured out I’m not doing work right now.

Carlin has the most original take on religion I’ve ever heard (oh yeah, and it’s hillarious)

I’ve started a new religion, in my new religion I don’t worship god. I worship the sun. I can see the sun, it gives life to everything on earth so I worhip the sun…But I don’t pray to the sun, no, I pray to Joe Pesci, because he seems like a guy that can really get things done. And you know what ever since I started praying to Joe Pesci I’ve been getting about the same results as when I prayed to god, about 50/50.

Nice work Eric! I love Carlin as well. Here’s my favorite: “Why do people say ‘I’m going to take a crap,’ when they’re actually leaving a crap? Shouldn’t we then say ‘I’m gonna leave a crap,’?” Good stuff man:)

George Carlin is the man. So is Steven Wright… “One time I put instant coffee in the microwave and I went back in time.”

Talk about irony. George Carlin is coming to Portland, ME in November, and my Dad and I were thinking about going (he’s a big fan, too). Unfortunately, I promised my girlfriend that I’d take her to a John Mayer (ugh) concert the same night. DAMN, DAMN, DAMN!

I suggest that you take lots of Tribex and M before that concert so you don’t become “pussified”. Have you guys heard that one by George Carlin? “The Pussification of America”, sad but true…and funny.

Here’s some funny links:




Disclaimer: If you are offended you cannot bitch at me.

Carlin is hilarious and Wright cracks me up. “Half the people you know are below average.”

I was having a shitty day until I read that. Thank you. “I have to take a shit. Well don’t take one of mine! I only have two left and the weekends coming up.”

I know this is an old thread, but I have to break it to you all by saying George Carlin did not write this. Apparently, lots of emails have been floating around claiming to be George Carlin’s work, but they’re not. This is just one of them. You can read all about it on his website.