T Nation

gas

I got a problem, whenever I go see my girl I have to hold my gas in, which builds up and pains and is annoying to me. This never happens when I’m not with her; because it doesn’t bother me to pass gas in front of others. What can I do to get rid of the gas? I’ve tried gas x before but it didn’t really help. Thanks.

I think many of us have this problem, considering the funkiness of our diets. What’s worse is that when you finally get a chance to step away (outside, different room, etc.), God forbid you be able to release anything.

the last time i spent the night at a girls house i woke up in the morning and had to take a big one. so i thought and contemplated what the hell i should do because i didnt want to take a shit with her in the house. about 1/2 an hour goes buy and by this time i really had to go. so i said to her im gonna go to the store to pick up a newspaper. in reality i went to mcdonalds to take a shit. picked up a newspaper aon my way out and headed on back and acted as if nothing ever happened. i know this story wont help you much but its an idea, and i just wanted to share.

Your girlfriend doesn’t know you shit?

Rip a nasty veggie fart right in her face and make her hair fall out and her ears and nose bleed. My broccoli farts are simply atomic and could easily produce such a physical reaction. If you could bottle it and sell it as a perfume, it would be called “Satan’s Butthole,” by poohbaya.

I too have had the same problems. I have had girls stay the night only to be tormented by Mr. hanky want to come out.i would hold it and hold it knowing damn well how bad it would wreak. so i would get up go downstairs and get a glass of water. sure enough couldnt bust ass. so i go back to bed, not 2 fukin sencond after i lay down MR. hanky is back. i must have drank 5 glasses in 15 mins. with no results. on the last trip she got dressed and left. maybe she knew, i don’t know never asked her. i heard beano works wonders.

Most of the time when I have gas, its not because I had a huge meal or beans or something; its that I didn’t chew my food well enough or take enough time eating. If work is busy, I eat lunch, then I have to run around, then I’ll have gas.

Ah yes, the great art of fart hiding. Let me enlighten you on a few tricks. 1. The Car Door Fart: This involves precise timing between you slaming the car door and farting at the same time. 2. The Dog Did it Fart: This involves a fart of the SBD (Silent But Deadly) nature. 3. The Open Sheeter: When lying in bed with your significant other, make sure she is asleep, and then roll over while simultaneously lifting the sheets and farting at the same time. The lifting of the sheets removes the evidence. 4. The Radio Fart: When riding in a car with others and the urge arises, simply turn up the radio and comment on how much you really like the song. Then, roll down the window and act like you are throwing a piece of dirt out. There are so many others I could mention, but these should be helpful for now. :slight_smile:

Dude, if you’ve got that much gas (as in it’s always a factor whenever you go to your girl’s place) you should probably examine your diet. Something’s not digesting right.

stick a dart in your ass and see how far you can shoot it, just make sure she is looking I bet she will be impressed with your new found skills.

High humor!!!

I’m glad you like that Ike. I swear though, it’s true.

Stick a match 2 inches from your ass when you have to fart. It will take the smell away. Its best if this is done in a dark room.

Mine can make an onion cry!! Be careful with the match trick, remember the family jewels are next door! (Had a friend burn some hairs doing this)

I haven’t laughed this hard since one of my high school coaches tried to teach the class “safe” squatting.

Seriously though, beano works great, though you might get a slightly upset stomach from it. I did the first few times I used it. Oh yes, now that it’s about winter in the northern hemisphere, don’t forget that your flatulence is the best kindling you could ever get your hands (???) on. Just be careful, you might get some drift and set your house on fire.

As the old saying goes: Never trust a man who does not fart, because he is holding something back.

Guess what child, she farts and shits to. If you relax and take care of business with some degree of consideration it might take some pressure off her.

Take a paper towel tube and close one end using duct tape. Fart into the open end and quickly tape it shut, then throw it in the freezer for awhile. Take it out, walk by someone’s room, untape one end and toss it in. For some reason, the freezer increases the stinkiness by a factor of ten.

Do like I do–put her in the Dutch Oven (i.e., cut a nasty one and pull the sheet over her head and hold her there to fully enjoy). They love it.

once again i spent the night at a new girls house last night and had to leave early in the morning so i could come home and drop one. i just dont feel comfortable taking a crap in a girls house that i hardly know.