T Nation

Funny Sexual Experiences


#1

I thought this would be a fun topic.


#2

It's only fun if you have a story to go with the title.


#3

One time I was over at my girlfriend's parent's house, and she was sitting on a lay-z-boy chair. I figured that was as good a place as any. We endeed up flipping the chair backwards and breaking it. We were still "in place," so I decided that there was no reason to stop. Luckily, the chair was still under warranty.


#4

When my wife and me were dating, We were going at it at her place, and her mom was supposed to be at work. Well, we heard the door open, I dismounted as fast as I could and pulled on my jeans and shirt, not worrying about my underwear. (no time) So the future mom-in-law yells "I'm home, come out here please!" My wife-to-be dresses as we stroll out of her room. So we're talking and trying to be cool while the whole time the in-law knows sumpin's going on. But I can feel something odd around my left hamstring, the M-I-L's eyes glanced down at my leg as well. I figure whatever it is I'll deal with it later. So after her mom left I look back and see a baseball sized lump under my jeans. I scoot down my pants to find my shorts all balled up in my pantleg. I couldn't even imagine what the M.I.L. thought it was!


#5

about 2yrs ago i was datin this girl esther. . she calls me and says shes comin to pick me up, so she does and we go back to her place. we had only been hangin out for about a week at the time. her parents are psychiatrists [or psycholigists i cant remember] and super protective. they own a practice not even 1/2 a mile from where they live, but esther says theres no way they're gonna come home, so we're cool. we're upstairs foolin around when the front door opens. esthers room is right by the stairs so there aint shit can do or anywhere i can go. esther starts freakin and pushes me into her closet, but theres shoes all over the floor so the closet doors only close like 1/4 of the way. her mom comes into her room and immediately knows somethins up. i'm standing [with my head down and eyes closed] half naked at the closet door when i feel someone in front of me. i look up and theres this evil witch in front of me. she looks me up and down and asks "who are you?" i didnt know what to do, so i stuck my hand out and said "i'm David, and you are?" she started screamin at me and tellin me to get out or she was gonna call the cops and all kinds of shit. i grab my shirt and head down stairs and down the street. she pulls up next to me in her evil mini van and calls me over. i think shes gonna offer me a ride home so i go over. i stick my head in the window and she tells me she called the cops so i better get out of there, then she speeds off with my head still in the window [i got out in time]i wrap around the block and talk to esther through her mail slot for a couple of minutes. she tells me she cant give me a ride home cause her mom took her keys. i say thats cool as long as WE'RE ok [i know im smooth, save your applause]. so i say by and start the 8 or so mile trek back home. i havent thought about that in a long time, and i'm laughin my ass off as i type.
yall be good, flash


#6

Last year right before classes started I was over at a friends apartment all the time. One night we went out carrying l liter bottles of jack/coke or rum/coke in case we couldnt find anything to do. I turns out that there were 2 apartments of gorgeous girl athletes who lived in the same stairwell as him. There was one, however, who looked like Carrot-tops's bastard child. Great body, but loud as hell and paper bag not included.

The first night we leave, and a couple of them ask what was in the bottles. Being drunk and not seizing the opportunity, we said "booze," and walked out. The following night I'm leaving by buddy's apartment at maybe 2 a.m. when I encounter the scary redhead coming back from somewhere, both of us trashed. She blocks the stairs and asks if I have any alcohol in my coke like last night. I say yes, cause there was, and could she move. She asks me for my bottle, I say no. She walks up two or three steps so she's 1 step below me, and...I have to HAND it to her, she was persuasive. She grabs the bottle, runs in her apartment, and we havn't made eye contact since.


#7

i was going at it after a pary w/ my ex and we her having sloppy drunk sex. Well her blinds were down but she left her window up for a breeze and i guess some people outside of her parking lot heard us b/c abuout 5 or 8 people were yelling and cheering.


#8

I stuck it in a girls balloon knot...I thought it was funny, not sure how much she did. :slight_smile:


#9

I think it's funny that I've never had a sexual experience.

Maybe if I keep telling myself that I might start to believe that it is actually funny.

Someone hold me.


#10

Okay, I got another. Me and the wife before we were married. We were pulling a sexfest at my place. My brother left his bullriding gear in the basement by my room. So for a gag I grab it and put some of it on. Picture this if you dare: Cowboy hat, boots, spurs, chaps, and nothin' else! I'm doing a little dance for the lady and my bro barges in! There I am in all my male stripperish glory wearing his gear! He yells, "Holy shit! You guys are sick!" and slams the door. We laughed our asses off!


#11

john_p, I am confused. Did she give you a hander on the stairwell?

BillyBoy, that is hysterical.


#12

Yeah john_p, where's the funny sex part?

Since we're talking about getting busted by your girl's parents, my ex's parents and brother overheard us many times. It was a combination of us not realizing how loud we were and not caring because nobody ever said anything. Her bedroom was above the garage, and everyday we'd be banging away and I'd hear the garage door go up when her mom got home. Total boner killer. It was like a routine in which we'd have 30 sec to get dressed, make the bed, hide whatever incriminating evidence, wash the sex smell off our hands, and get ready to talk to mom. She'd come in and sit on the bed, which was often covered with various bodily fluids. I know gross, right. I never understood how this girl could look her mom in the eyes when we were both clearly looking so guilty. The sex flush, sweating, clothes all ruffled, and I'm sure you could smell it in the air. Sometimes I would just hop right into a cold shower just to avoid dealing with her. Then I figured it out. One morning her mom came in and we were still lying in bed, me in my boxers only (liberal parents). She looked right at me and said, "you know, these walls are very thin." But she was smiling!! I think she wanted her daughter to share, muhahahahaha.


#13

biltritewave said "balloon knot" whahahahahahahahah hooooo wahahahahah haha..That is the funniest thing I ever heard!


#14

i've got quite a few, but this is my last post. summer of 99 my buddy dylan gets wind of this party thats supposed to be ridiculous: the party to end all parties. but we're in houston and this party is in like rosemond or somethin like that. its supposed to be like an hr away so we call this dude travis to drive us out there. turns out this place is like 30min from san antonio [like 2 1/2hrs away] we get there and there are like 15 people 2 cases of beer and some mad dog and trash can punch. this thing is WACK. 2 girls come up to me and ask me my name. i'm so pissed about this whole situation i tell the my names is Arnold [my name is David] we talk for a minute and they walk off. my buddy marco and i are about to grab travis and dylan so we can bounce when i hear "Arnold come in here." i go into this room where one couple is goin at it and one of those girls is layin on the floor waitin for me. we start goin at it and she's hollerin "arnold! arnold !" the whole time. i finish and leave the room and d, travis and marco are standin there laughin their asses off, sayin "Arnolds a pimp" and shit like that. marco and i walk to the fridge and decide we're gonna take their beer [this is highschool, please dont flame me for bein a prick]. so we got a case and like 3 bottles of md20/20 and we're ready to bounce, but we cant find travis. i ask dylan where he is and he says hes in the room. the room i just left from. i think hes bullshittin so i open the door and look in and, sure enough, travis is layin there with this broad. i whisper to him so we can get out [hes our ride] and he looks up with the goofiest grin you've ever seen and chunks duece at me. i almost fell down i was laughin so hard. about 5 min later he comes out and we take off with their alcohol and a pretty good story. ahh, memories


#15

ZEB,i take it your not an Opie& Anthony fan? anyway heres one of my many funny/stupid stories.

i was probably just out of H.S. i had borrowed my moms car i end up banging this chick in the back of it and all done blow my load etc...(btw i was drunk and not very observant) next day my mom asks me what the hell i spilled all over the back seat,and what was streaked on the inside of her rear window.


#16

Yea handjob...the evidence was left on the door into the stairwell, which gets cleaned about once a month. I left out the part where I stumbled home hanging out of my pants, different people find different parts funny. If you saw her you might understand (I dont have a scanner)


#17

"ZEB,i take it your not an Opie& Anthony fan? anyway heres one of my many funny/stupid stories."

Balloon knot = good
Leather Cheerio = more gooder

WAR O + A!!!!!!

out


#18

No, sorry guys I'm a little older than most of you and to me Opie is the son of Sheriff Andy Taylor in Mayberry.

But, I will tell you when I read "balloon knot" I laughed so long and hard my wife was wondering if I was what was going on.

You guys are killing me with your stories. If I was not old school I could tell you a few...But I just can't seem to share that stuff.


#19

I hook up with this girl. I'm 15 and she's 16 or whatever. I get my crazy friend John to take me to go get her and we tell her friend we're going "cosmic bowling". We stop at the bowling alley long enough for her to call her parents then it starts to hail so bad we literally almost get in a wreck. Once we get to my parents place we all three get hammered. I lay the pipe and my friend john passes out on the kitchen floor. I decide its time to take this girl home so after waking John up he runs up and down my street for a couple laps to "sober him up". Then we go to Huddle House where we pick up a hitch hiker. After patting him down for drugs and weapons we go take the girl home. This guy says he lives "right near where the chick lives". Naturally he lives in a trailer park 30 minutes out of the way and of course we got lost coming home. Good times


#20

Phaedrus

CRINKLE,CRINKLE