T Nation

Funny quotes.

A lot of people have asked me how short I am. Since my last divorce, I think I’m about $100,000 short.
—Mickey Rooney

Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.
—Mickey Rooney

I buy women shoes and they use them to walk away from me.
—Mickey Rooney

I was a thirteen-year-old boy for thirty years
—Mickey Rooney

I’m the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.
—Mickey Rooney

You always pass failure on your way to success.
—Mickey Rooney

Good variety, Dan C. Hey, you got any Mickey Rooney? RLTW

rangertab75

“Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.”
Mark Twain

“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”
Mark Twain

“Denial aint just a river in Egypt.”
-Mark Twain

“I can’t promise to try, but I’ll promise to try to try.”
-Bart Simpson

“Me fail English? That’s unpossible!”
-Ralph Wiggam

“Laws are like sausages–it is better to not know how they are made.”
-Otto von Bismark

“…mechanicians…”
G.W.B.

“I know it’s tuna, but is it chicken?”
-Jessica Simpson upon being confused by a can of “Chicken of the Sea”

“I can shoot with my left hand, I can shoot with my right hand, I am AMPHIBIOUS!”
-Shaq

“So I was like, ‘hey lama, how about a little something for the effort?’ And the lama said that on my death bed, I will attain total consciousness…so I got that goin’ for me.”
-Bill Murray in Caddy Shack

“Fat chicks are like mopeds…they’re fun to ride until your friends find out.”
-anonymous

…thats all I can think of for right now

WideGuy should LOVE those quotes from Mickey Rooney. That’s because Mickey Rooney used to “juice”… right WideGuy? ROFL

“If they try to pay me with tortilla’s I’ll shoot em in the eye.”
—Clint Eastwood, Two mules for sister Sara

Did shaq really say amphibious? That is freaking hilarious!

Some deep thoughts by Jack Handy:

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. ? That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. ? Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were “just going down to the corner.”

If you ever go temporarily insane, don’t shoot someone like most people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done. You’d be really surprised.

If you’re a cowboy and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

Broken promises don’t upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you’re in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don’t know what to tell you.

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don’t run with a wooden stake.

Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you’d look out your little window and think, “Boy, I’m glad I’m not out in that.”

It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.

I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?

Instead of having ‘answers’ on a math test, they should just call them ‘impressions’ and it you got a different ‘impression’ so what, can’t we all be brothers?

You have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let’s say you have chosen the nickname “Fly Head.” Normally you would think that “fly Head” would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn’t it also mean “having a head like a fly”? I’m afraid some people might actually think that.

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. “Uh-oh,” he thought. “This watering hole is reserved for skeletons.”

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said. “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, “Don’t forget the thick, heavy brows.” Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they’d get mad and eat the snowman.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he’s throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

If you’re a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it’s real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he is so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

If you’re robbing a bank and you’re pants fall down, I think it’s okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don’t think I’d call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp’s gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, “If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky.” Just then the eclipse would start, and they’d probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

“If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?”

Steven Wright.

Smile. It’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

“Hey waitress! bring a pitcher of beer every five minutes until someone passes out… then bring one every seven minutes.” - Rodney Dangerfield

80 percent of this game is half mental - Yogi Berra

This one time, at band camp…- American Pie

When you are going thru hell…keep going!

  • Winston Churchill

“I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, “Don’t forget the thick, heavy brows.” Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they’d get mad and eat the snowman.”

This was my senior quote in high school!

Steven Wright is the best…

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.

I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates… When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, ‘Do I know you?’

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

jaystyles

“What’re you kidding me? That doors made out of pure mahogany!”
-Cronk in Emperors New Groove

“That John Denver’s full of shit!”
-Dumb and Dumber

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
Albert Einstein