Okay, I didn’t say this but it’s still worth a mention. For the record, I’m short, stocky build and have a completely shaved head. My mother’s getting married a few years ago and I’m there in my 3-piece suit which makes you look wider than normal. My elderly Grandma, says very loudly in front of the whole wedding party, “Doesn’t Paul look like that baddie from James Bond…ya know…Blow job.”
[quote]SickSex6 wrote:
At my university orientation i was in a group asking questions to get to know each other. There were probably 30 of us…
I got the question from our leader “whats one thing youd absolutely need if stranded on an island?”
I said “a loaded gun”
The leader girl turned red and left us the for the rest of the day as we laughed til we got kicked out…[/quote]
Total suicide joke.
Sometimes i see people on campus and laugh about it…after like 7 years
Hefty girl approached me and said “You have nice eyes.” I responded “You have nice chins.”
Not necessarily funniest, possibly most dickish.
Generally the funniest things people say are very dependant on context and lead-up, can’t really be repeated as one-liners.
I was looking for one of the girls at work, couldn’t find her and so…
Me: Hey does anyone know where Rosalie is?
Answer: Sylvia took her to the market.
Me: What do you reckon we’ll get for her… Five magic beans?
[quote]stokes1989 wrote:
This is something a guy i used to hang out with said…we were out at a local bar and we were both talking to these 2 girls we met. me and one of the girls went to the bar for a drink, when all of a sudden I hear this guy holler “If we ain’t fucking! Then why are we talking!?” and both of the girls jaws dropped…And I couldn’t control myself and just busted out laughing…funniest shit ever[/quote]
soooooo, did you two get laid then? The ladies were demonstrating their O skills.
[quote]harrypotter wrote:
[quote]stokes1989 wrote:
This is something a guy i used to hang out with said…we were out at a local bar and we were both talking to these 2 girls we met. me and one of the girls went to the bar for a drink, when all of a sudden I hear this guy holler “If we ain’t fucking! Then why are we talking!?” and both of the girls jaws dropped…And I couldn’t control myself and just busted out laughing…funniest shit ever[/quote]
soooooo, did you two get laid then? The ladies were demonstrating their O skills.[/quote]
I did, but not from either of them. I found another girl to talk to later that night…I think he might have fucked a twinkie that night
[quote]The Mighty Stu wrote:
Brother: ugh… I’m starving,… do we have any toast?
Me: Nope,… plenty of bread though if you wanna do something with it.
S[/quote]
This is honestly the funniest thing you’ve ever said?
[quote]Nards wrote:
I was at an Italian festival sort of thing that gets held in a school gymnasium with traditional dances and food and all that.
I was standing outside later with a buddy when a early 20s Italian guy came storming out looking very angry.
My buddy said “What’s his problem?”
I said “He must’ve caught his woman looking at another pizza.”[/quote]
Had to be there?
It show do…he don’t call, he don’t write.
I’m a dentist and one time 4 years ago I was working on a patient and talking with my assistant about what types of foods we like to eat. All was going well until she mentioned that Lebanese food was at the top of her list. For a reason known only to God, I responded by saying, “oh yeah, I love eating lesbians too”. The patient started coughing uncontrollably and my assistant had to excuse herself because she couldn’t stop laughing. The whole time this is going on I’m bewildered as to what just happened because I didn’t realise what I had just said. After the patient left, my assistant filled me in. Goddamn Freudian slips.
Being from Tennessee, someone once asked me what Dollywood was like. I said “It’s like Disneyland, except Appalachian poverty themed.”
I’ve said some funny stuff in my life, but probably the funniest thing I’ve ever said on this site was on an old thread in the SAMA forum, discussing the disagreeable odor sometimes encountered accompanying female genitalia. On subliterate poster responded that in his estimation, smelly snatches (the title of the thread) were due in part to the amount of pubic hair present around said snatch. Being subliterate, however, it came out as
“i think girls cooches stink cos they dont shave and have alot of heirs”
My friend Dollarbill immediately seized upon this malapropism, quipping, “how does the number of inheritors have anything to do with pubic odor?”
To which I responded, “it depends how long the will has been in prostate.”
Granted, if you didn’t know legal terminology you probably wouldn’t find this terribly amusing, but Dollarbill, a banker (and arguably the funniest poster in T-Nation history) did, and gave it the “ROFL! Brilliant!” seal of approval.
[quote]CMdad wrote:
I’m a dentist and one time 4 years ago I was working on a patient and talking with my assistant about what types of foods we like to eat. All was going well until she mentioned that Lebanese food was at the top of her list. For a reason known only to God, I responded by saying, “oh yeah, I love eating lesbians too”. The patient started coughing uncontrollably and my assistant had to excuse herself because she couldn’t stop laughing. The whole time this is going on I’m bewildered as to what just happened because I didn’t realise what I had just said. After the patient left, my assistant filled me in. Goddamn Freudian slips.[/quote]
Thats funny. I hope this thread come up with more stuff like this.
[quote]sen say wrote:
[quote]Nards wrote:
I was at an Italian festival sort of thing that gets held in a school gymnasium with traditional dances and food and all that.
I was standing outside later with a buddy when a early 20s Italian guy came storming out looking very angry.
My buddy said “What’s his problem?”
I said “He must’ve caught his woman looking at another pizza.”[/quote]
Had to be there?[/quote]
To be clear “another pizza” doesn’t mean the girlfriend may have been fat and was going to eat another pizza…just instead of saying “He must have caught his girlfriend lookng at another guy” I put pizza in there instead…because he was Italian.
But still I guess you’re right and you had to be there.
[quote]sen say wrote:
[quote]The Mighty Stu wrote:
Brother: ugh… I’m starving,… do we have any toast?
Me: Nope,… plenty of bread though if you wanna do something with it.
S[/quote]
This is honestly the funniest thing you’ve ever said?[/quote]
lol, I’d like to think not, but when put on the spot for a witty thread reply, I sometimes dig down deep and come up empty 
S
[quote]Nards wrote:
[quote]sen say wrote:
[quote]Nards wrote:
I was at an Italian festival sort of thing that gets held in a school gymnasium with traditional dances and food and all that.
I was standing outside later with a buddy when a early 20s Italian guy came storming out looking very angry.
My buddy said “What’s his problem?”
I said “He must’ve caught his woman looking at another pizza.”[/quote]
Had to be there?[/quote]
To be clear “another pizza” doesn’t mean the girlfriend may have been fat and was going to eat another pizza…just instead of saying “He must have caught his girlfriend lookng at another guy” I put pizza in there instead…because he was Italian.
But still I guess you’re right and you had to be there.[/quote]
Don’t worry Nards, most of us get it, that was funny.
I do agree with Sen Say about Stu though. Stu is lucky he’s strong, buff and an all around classy guy because apparently he sure aint funny.
At my grandparents 50th anniversary, My dad and a few friends were in a small group with the preacher. I overheard them talking when the preacher said, “Trust me guys.” I leaned into the group and said, “Do ya’ll know how many babies are born every year on account of trust me? That’s how I got here!” Should have seen my dad back pedaling to explain that one.
[quote]Nards wrote:
To be clear “another pizza” doesn’t mean the girlfriend may have been fat and was going to eat another pizza…just instead of saying “He must have caught his girlfriend lookng at another guy” I put pizza in there instead…because he was Italian.
But still I guess you’re right and you had to be there.[/quote]
OMG…I totally get it now…roflmao…thanks for the clarification…hahahahahah…I didn’t see the humor before, but now…mama mia that’s funny paisan.
After reading this thread it confirms what I have suspected for a long time… I am the funniest person on this board.
This chick approached me at a bar once. She said that I smelled good and asked what I had on.
I told her I had a hard-on but I didn’t know she could smell it.