"I'd like to have her gobble the fudge nuggets from my stench trench until her face looks like a bulldog licking cat piss from a thistle."
At my university orientation i was in a group asking questions to get to know each other. There were probably 30 of us..
I got the question from our leader "whats one thing youd absolutely need if stranded on an island?"
I said "a loaded gun"
The leader girl turned red and left us the for the rest of the day as we laughed til we got kicked out...
I'm gonna rape you later..........o wait thats not very funny
The summer after I graduated high school my friends and I would hangout in my buddies garage pretty much every night. One night my friend's sister who's a little bit older comes out to bullshit with us. She must have spent three hours getting ready to go out because she looked damn good.
Her: What are you guys doing tonight?
Me: Probably hanging out here. What do you plan on doing?
Her: I'm going to the club with so and so once she gets here.
Me: Well you better go get ready, you can't go like that.
I always used to mess with her so it wasn't a big deal but the look on her face cracks me up to this day.
it never ceases to amaze me how much a girl will let one guys opinion ruin her night.......
When my middle brother and I were both in college, we were back home for Christmas Break. I woke before he did and was already eating breakfast as he staggered downstairs into the kitchen.
Brother: ugh... I'm starving,.. do we have any toast?
Me: Nope,.... plenty of bread though if you wanna do something with it.
This is something a guy i used to hang out with said...we were out at a local bar and we were both talking to these 2 girls we met. me and one of the girls went to the bar for a drink, when all of a sudden I hear this guy holler "If we ain't fucking! Then why are we talking!?" and both of the girls jaws dropped.....And I couldn't control myself and just busted out laughing......funniest shit ever
I was at an Italian festival sort of thing that gets held in a school gymnasium with traditional dances and food and all that.
I was standing outside later with a buddy when a early 20s Italian guy came storming out looking very angry.
My buddy said "What's his problem?"
I said "He must've caught his woman looking at another pizza."
I was talking about a coworker, being a bit of a dick as she wasn't there (long story but she was a loud-mouthed, rude annoying know-it-all that no one really liked) and another coworker said "Whoa! Let's hope she doesn't find out what you've said!"
So I said to him "So long as you don't talk in your sleep she'll never know."
I work at Costco and was assisting for this cashier girl years ago. This was when the cashiers would face each other and the members stood behind them. She was cashiering across from one of her friends (another girl, both very good looking). The member in the other girl's line was buying some spicy chicken lasagna and she (cashier) says to my cashier "I can't wait to try that." My cashier asked "How many does that serve?" The other girl being goofy said "it serves....Michelle." (my cashier). Without missing a beat I said "That's about five people."
The other cashier girl burst out in laughter. She laughed so much that the next member in her line had to ask what was so funny. For the record, my cashier wasn't fat, just curvy and pretty hot actually. She also flipped me a lot of crap so she took it with some camaraderie.
This one time at the gym I saw a skinny guy and I was all like, do you even lift bro? and then everyone on the internet copied me.
When my mom and sister are both outside, my sister usually picks up the hose and sprays my mom while saying, "hoes get hosed."
I can't think of any one particular thing because some of the best laughter was with friends or family from spontaneous one liners. A few of the right people can make almost anything funny.
I worked at a store basically like a Target ot WalMart in high school unloading trucks and would sometimes get called to help customers carry out heavy items due to my manly physique.
One time the home entertainment department called me on the loading dock to help a woman carry out a TV...I asked if it was small enough for me to use a shopping cart that's handy or bring a dolly from the stock room.
The woman in home entertainment said "It's 24 inches; it won't fit."
I said "That's what my wife said."
This was the summer of 1990...so maybe I was the first guy to make a "That's what she said" joke.
I worked at a grocery store for a while and I would put on an irish accent and page one of my buddies to push shopping carts. I also used a codename for him. A mere second after I did it we were both in the backroom shitting ourselves when a nice young sounding female paged him to carts using the codename. I Couldn't believe it. And yes the stupid ass went and did the carts aha
WHAT WAS THE CODENAME???
J ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR Announciated like a Bostonian
I was at a new year's eve party a few years back with I think one of my friends and a bunch of people I didn't know too well. This friend can be a little abrasive sometimes (ok, most of the time) if you let him get to you, for the most part I just think he's funny.
Anyways, he's talking with this girl who takes something the wrong way and feeds him a pretty sharp insult. He responds with something to the effect of "Whoa, easy there, what's wrong with you, you think these muscles protect me from insults? They don't help at all! Tell her Jonty!"
And I says "Muscles are like a bad sweater, the emotional wind cuts right through'em."
Probably not the funniest thing I've ever said but it sticks out in my memory as getting one of the best reactions.