T Nation

Fun with Dentistry

I am off to the Dentist tomorrow,so knowing how much you T-folks like to support each other,lets have some stories of Dentistry gone wrong!.
I shall be watching the movie Marathon Man in preperation(having a tooth taken out due to sports injury).

Forgive my dental ignorance, but you know the tool they use to scrape your teeth with? The one with the really sharp hook-looking things on it? Have you ever considered the possibility that they might drop it while working on you? Considering a 99.99% success rate, that .01% of the time would add up to a lot of dropped scrapers every year. I just really think that would hurt, especially trying to get it out of your throat. But don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll be fine.

I’ve gotten wood while the assistant (always a hot new graduate) cleans my teeth. This is usually followed by lots of awkward silence from both of us. That’s a horror story.

When my mom was pregnant with me, she had to get a root canal. Because she was pregnant, they could not administer any pain medication or anything. Does that count as fun?

BTW, I think her dental anxiety was passed on to me that day, because for some reason I absolutely dread going to the dentist, especially when they scrape your teeth with that little hook thing. Damn, that is the worst. I’m always gripping the armrests like a baby.

Funny sidenote, my girlfriend is a dental student.

Phaedrus

Finding out that I grind my teeth at night and that I had started to wear down my old fillings. 7 fillings to re-drill in 2 weeks… fun. Added bonus: They couldnt numb my bottom jaw which, inturn, made the bottom three fillings thqat they had to drill outstanding!

Any of your ever had braces? Do you remember that GRINDER they used to get the glue off of your teeth? That thing was the worst!!! Scrape, scrape, scrape against your teeth. Ah man, my head hurts thinking about it.

CGB: That’s why you “position yourself” so that unsightly bulges won’t be painfully obvious!

Getting braces sucks because they have to take a sort of sculptor of your teeth before and after. The way they do it is by putting this gigantic piece of metal that is filled with this putty stuff and they have to stick it on your teeth for a few seconds. The bad thing is you are gagging the whole time its in your mouth, and they almost rip the corners of you mouth getting it in. It also has to be done one at a time, twice the fun.

Whenever they tell you they need to do work on you, always remember to bargain for the best pain meds you can. If you are going to be made to suffer, and pay for it no less, you may as well get something enjoyable out of it. Most dentists really don’t care anyway.

Dynosar, you weren’t paying $79/hr. for this “orthodontist” were you?

You would think that you would have figured out the gag ball, but when the whips and chains came out, it should have been quite obvious.

I actually puked up a huge pile of pureed carrots at the orthodontist’s once when they took one of those molds.

It was SHWEET.

The intoxicating smell of fluoride was in the air. The hygienist and her patient would soon give in to their temptations. They both knew it. No dental pick would be safe. And what fun they would have with the rest of the instruments. The young, voluptuous hygienist got so turned on by the bulge in her ruggedly handsome patient’s chinos that she got them open faster than a fat bastard can sue McDonald’s. Did she ever use her molars to perfection . . .

Fuck! I mistook T-Mag for that Dental Fantasies website again. I really must reorganize my bookmarks.

Horror stories? This is a bit long but if you are looking for pain and humiliation, I gotta share. How about not losing any of your baby teeth NATURALLY and the fun that ensues?

When I was 8 I hadn’t lost any baby teeth yet so my dentist, Dr. Brain (seriously!), convinced my mother that he needed to pull them. Every 4 months I had 4 teeth pulled, one from each quadrant. His technique? Give me the nitrous stuff till I was woozy, then start drilling and cutting and yanking and wrenching. Uh, where’s the novacaine shots, doctor? He didn’t believe in them. He felt that the nitrous crap was enough to numb me. Hhmm, then why is it I had two technicians lying on top of me to hold me down?! I felt every slice into my gums, every revolution of the drill, smelled the smoke and blood (of fucking course I tasted the blood but have you ever smelled your own blood?), heard the clanging of instruments as he dropped one and picked up another, felt him put the plier-type things around my tooth and felt the root twist and turn in my ragged gums as he tried to yank it out. My whole body jerked with each pull as he all but place his foot against my cheek to get more leverage. I remember him alternating between sitting and standing over me, trying to gain purchase. I remember the technicians asking him if he thought I was “under” enough and him saying “Of course!”. I remember him cheerfully greeting other patients as they walked through the office to the x-ray room. When he was done mutilating me, he’d stuff rolls of cotton guaze in the holes. Then the motherfucker had the nerve to call my mother in, tell her all was good and proceed to tickle me. Goddamn bastard butchered me then TICKLED me! Dante doesn’t have a level of Hell low enough for this man.

This happened every 4 months until he’d pulled ALL my baby teeth. Now, if my body had been ready for my adult teeth to come in, don’t you think it’d have started pushing the babies out? Exactly. I went through periods where I was missing 4 teeth on each side of my mouth. Then, wonder of wonders, my adult teeth started coming in. I think the shock on my body of having everything ripped out of my mouth caused some sort of jump start on them because they all came in pretty much at the same time. So you’d think, OK cool, I have teeth now. Right? No, because I still had the palate of a 9 year old but the teeth of a 12 year old. They had no “proper” spot to grow in at so they grew in on top of eachother. I looked like a shark, with rows of teeth in front of eachother.

So my lovely mother took me to an orthodontist to get this mess fixed. Molds? How many molds have most of you had to endure? I got the pleasure of getting them every 3 months - and no, it never gets easier to handle. The orthodontist decided I needed a palate splitting retainer to make more room in the gumline for my teeth. Ever seen one of those contraptions? They are about 1/2" thick and divided into 3 sections by these screw type deals. You wear it 24/7 and every 3 days you take this little key thingy and give each of the 3 joints a couple of twists then you put it back in your mouth. But it’s now bigger than your palate so you have to put it in place and bite down really hard to jam it up there. It’s not pleasant. Ever had that headache from getting your braces tightened? This was worse (didn’t know it at the time, still had three years to go before I got the pleasure of braces). About 9 months after I started with the top palate splitter, the genious orthodontist realized that my lower jaw was not keeping up with my upper. So he designed a lower jaw splitter thing to work on the same mechanics as the upper. Apparently, this was a complete custom job as he’d never encountered a need for it before. )DUH!) Talking was almost impossible with these things in my mouth. If I didn’t constantly sip water or leave my mouth hanging open, I would gag on it. Imagine having almost an inch of plastic and metal in your mouth, sandwiching your tongue. Fun stuff. This, I enjoyed for about a year and a half.

Then came headgear. My palate was finally deemed large enough and the day they told me I didn’t have to wear the palate splitter was one of the happiest up to that point. Sure, I had to wear headgear. How much worse could headgear be? So on go the metal bands around the rear molars and in slides the prongs of the mouthpiece and around the back of the neck goes the strap. Ok, so I felt like a mule in a bridle, so what? I was free of the palate splitter. They didn’t tell me about the blinding head/neckaches from the pressure of the strap. They didn’t tell me about how your cheeks will adhere to the mouthpiece so that when you take it off to brush your teeth in the morning or to eat, it will rip a layer or two of skin off your cheeks. Ah, the taste of blood again. At least I didn’t have to smell it and the smoke of the drill. Now, 19 years later, I still have two white linear scars running from the very back of my cheeks to the inside corners of my mouth.

Then came braces. But first, before I could get braces, I had to have an oral graft done because the roots of my six front bottom teeth were nearly bursting through my gums. All the manipulations done to my lower teeth had practically pushed my roots through the gums. Luckily, the oral surgeon actually listened to me when I said I would have nothing to do with the nitrous and that I would be stone cold sober when he injected me with novacaine - and that he would keep injecting me until I determined I was sufficiently numb. He agreed and even arranged for a mirror to be placed behind his head so I could watch every cut of the scalpel and every stitch. He cut a 1"x2" section of tissue from the roof of my mouth, cut a hatched pattern over the near-protruding roots and sewed the section of tissue to my gum line. Very interesting to watch this. You know the feeling of scalding the roof of your mouth on food? Multiply this by 10,000 times.

After I healed from the surgery, it was time for braces - really this time. I had them on from age 12-17. Most of you can identify with the joys of that. I remember the day I got them off so clearly. I was driving my '76 Mavrick, listening this fucking asshole on the AM only radio (couldn’t turn the station, it was too engrossing) Rush Limbaugh, cursing him and his idiocy. (Ironic side note: He made me think about stuff I’d never considered and eventually, I grew to love him.) The removal process was what it always is and I drove away feeling more free than any bird in the sky.

As a result of 10 years of fucking painful hell and God only knows how many thousands of dollars, I developed something of an oral hygiene fetish. I resolved NEVER, EVER to go to a dentist/orthodontist again. EVER!! I had had enough pain for one lifetime. I figured that if my habit of brushing 5+ times a day, flossing after most meals and going through gallons of hydrogen peroxide mouthwash wasn’t enough, I’d get dentures. To hell with dentists. It wasn’t until a year ago that I did finally go - at the rabid insistance of the guy I was seeing. Apparently, my fetish paid off. I don’t have a single cavity and my teeth are… well, you’ve seen them. Can’t miss 'em, they’re one of my more distinguishing characteristics.

Here’s a self-made funny:

I was born with an extra baby-tooth right in the middle of the top row of teeth. Guess what happened when it came out and my adult teeth came in? I had a baby tooth sized gap RIGHT IN THE FRONT!!! I swear I looked like Michael Strahan.

You guys were right about that mold shit. Also, that teeth cleaning fluid tastes like ass too, makes me want to puke every time.

When I was young, I had a lisp (lithp!!) That little tendon underneath your tongue, know of it? I had to get it clipped. Well, when they wanted to clip it, I had to have novacaine soaked cotton balls in my mouth. Guess where most of the novacaine went?? Down my throat!!! I puked incessantly for like 20 minutes. Ugh, how horrendous.

Another rant - What fuckstick decided to put an S in the word LISP?!? Think about a person with a lisp trying to say lisp - They come out with LITHP!! What an asshole.

The only nightmares I ever have are about my teeth. I had a very similar experience to Karma’s. Still have the scars on the corners of my mouth where they ripped as Dr. Russell shoved the impression tray into my mouth. I still can’t bring myself to go to the dentist (last time was in 95 during basic training). My wife takes the kids, because I think I would freak on the guy if the kids even winced once.

So, ~karma~, how do you really feel about dentists?

nephorm, thanks for the tip. Same thing happens when I’m getting my hair cut by some buxom lass with long hair and a foot of cleavage glaring me in the face. I once knew this hairdresser who thought her client was masturbating when she was cutting his hair, so she made this big scene and refused to continue. It turned out he was playing with his glasses under there.

Holy shit ~K~…don’t know if I’m going to sleep tonight…

I figured that I had the ALL TIME horror story from the Dentists chair until that. Now?, geez, mine seems kind pathetic…

I luckily (Isn’t new perspective a wonderful thing?) had only one session like ~Karma’s~…Big fat nurse on my chest Dentist REEFING on the drill, blood, smoke rising from my mouth, gagging.

The worst part? I got stoned before going in.

Very.

Very.

Bad idea.

But hey!, it was just once…Thanks ~K~!

“To hell with them. When history is written they will be the sons of bitches - not I”

~ Harry S. Truman

damn ~karma~ and i thought i was bad
my teeth in the front were like steps. my mom took me to a ortho and they said that i had to get like 5 teeth pulled…i told my mom HELL NO!! so we went to another one. it was about as bad for me as for u karma. especialy since i was a dumbass and broke my retainer like twice…so i had to get that molding shit like 5 or 6 times. and then they came up with that same damn spliter retainer…every damn tuesday and friday i had to use that little key to widen the retainer. then like u said shove the bastard back in my mouth and bare the pain for like a day for my mouth to get used to it. that went on for like a year or so…then from there came the bands oh yeah those were loads of fun!! damn things kept on getting in the way why u ate plus hurt like hell…about half a year of that shit…and then the lovely braces…which made it hard to get to all the places in my mouth…so when i finaly got the f**cking things off i had like 7 cavities… so BACK TO THE DENTIST!! YEY!!

i had to go the the dentist like evey other 2 weeks for like half a year
now thats enough for most people in a life time…and one time it didn’t help when the dentist was whiteding teeth he cut the shit out of my gums which made them bleed into the the whitening…oh how FUN. i went to that dentist for a few more times…the cool thing though was that he had a radio for me to listen too while he was drilling and once it was actually realy cool where he had like some kind of goggles that i could watch a movie…good thing for him cause that when he realy fucked me up but didn’t notice till i got home.
then went to another dentist. now he was good but i had more teeth filled and i had to come in like once every week… now that i have to say was GREAT!! GEEZZ that sucked…but the best times were when i had to get my wisdom teeth pulled…he tried one while i was not put under just numbed…i don’t think that i was numb very much casue i could here the drilling smell the blood smell my burnt teeth taste my blood and while this was happening he was cutting away athen, very pleasant; was yanking out the tooth…it literly felt like he was ripping my jaw OUT! after that i went to a specialist and got put under…one min i was talking to the guy and next i was waking up with it all done…ok back to the dentists to get my root canals done just a week after…now thats so much fun! i don’t want to go back to another dentist as long as i live…but i know i have to sooner or later DAMN!! now that might not be as bad as ~karma~'s but still pretty damn bad of a horror

MJP: I don’t know, man… You might have taken top honors with that story. :wink: