A friend forwarded this to me; I thought it was pretty funny.
Here’s a fun game:
When you go to meetings, you can get very tired of the old useful metaphors. “Send it up the flagpole…,” “Can’t see the forest…,” “Too busy cutting down trees…” blah blah blah. So instead, at your next meeting, start using surreal metaphors. The idea is to come up with a phrase that sounds like it really ought to mean something, then move on like everyone should know what you mean:
“That’s like feeding a creampuff to a zombie.”
“You don’t want to be caught measuring eagle droppings with toothpicks.”
Even phrases like these could have meaning, but the best way to play is to use them completely out of context. For instance, you are discussing a server upgrade, and someone proposes to try Linux. You say, “We shouldn’t give agriculture lessons to peanuts.” It seems completely profound, but it is meaningless. You will blow everyone away.
My friend just used this one in his newspaper meeting; he’s the sports editor for the Rider Univ News.
“When is the deadline for the field hockey article?”
“You’ve got less time than a dog’s breath on a brass doorknob. quickly moves on and turns to Brent And Brent, I need to speak with you for a few minutes after the meeting.”
They weren’t ready for the doorknob line, he told me.
twitch I’m totally being a wet blanket, but none of these are metaphors. Some are similies are others are bastardizations of cliches or colloquialisms. Sorry, its the undergraduate English student in me flaring up.
“Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing” - Bukowski
Gentlemen, what this all boils down to is really just a conglomeration of waffles and butterflies. Waffles and butterflies… (voice trails off dramatically)
In summary, if you look a gift walrus in the mouth, what good is a handful of daisies as seen through the armpit of Uranus? I didn’t think so. Miss Merriweather, take a memo…
“People, if you cut off your hands to spite your arms, your gonna be kickin yourself everytime ya have to wipe”
“People dont quit until they give up!!”
“you cant jump up and down forever”
“Just because you turn on the oven, does’nt mean your baking a cake. But if you take that same oven and put a cake in it, NOW your bakin a cake!!!”
If you sit and wait long enough, somethings bound to happen, unless you stand up for yourself. Thats when a plan comes together"
“Socks on a rooster my friends, Socks on a rooster”
“You cant just sit around and hope for the best, You have to put some time into it, nourish it, and if you do it just right, it could go either way. And that my freinds, is pretty damn magical.”
The time is now, comrades. Everything comes to a head at some point or another. It’s like a cow with chicken legs, only the chicken legs are prune danishes. And within the eyes of these prune danishes, gentlemen, exists a quality of life akin to that of a termite. That, my friends, is what separates corduroys from denim jeans. That will be all. Flanders, fetch me some coffee…