T Nation

Friends with benefits or dating?

Ok guys I need to get some opinions on a situation that occured recently for me. I was “involved” with this guy for about a month. We talk just about everyday. He gives me great advice on working out and nutrition and we spend a lot of time discussing the threads on this site. Oh, yeah and we had sex. Not all the time. Probably only a handful of times over the past month. So, I assumed that we were just friends with benefits. Which was fine for me at the time, but I met someone that I am interested in pursuing a relationship with.

Well, when I informed my “friend” that we could no longer have any kind of sexual relations. He then informed me that he had was under the impression that we were dating. He based this determination on the fact that we talked all the time and had sex more than just one time. The thing is that we never went anywhere, ever. He would just come to my house hang out and do whatever. Not dating in my opinion. What do you guys think?

Sounds like a lack of open communication.

Definitely not dating. Sounds like, what I call F*&K buddies. Had a few of them, just gotta watch the emotional end of it. Wideguy is right though. A little communication along the way could have saved a lot of grief.

interesting that you should bring this up. i too was just in a similiar situation.

the fact that you never went anywhere with this person is irrelevant. personally i think sex is a lot more personal that dinner.

imo if you have sex with a girl more than once it can be considered dating. just as you would consider it dating if you went out to dinner more than once.

oh and the invaluable training and nutrition advice this guy gives you should be more important to you than dinner and a movie.

Wideguy reccomends punching him in the face.

also, would going out to dinner with this person really make you more secure in your relationship with him?

Okay, but did you dry-hump this guy?

I gotta agree with you… it does not sound like you were dating at all, just kind of sounds like a “booty call” to me. Wide is right… big lack of communication. Unfortunately for your “friend” it really does not matter what impression he is under, if you want to date someone else… that is what you are going to do. Just remember his ego is a little hurt right now, the girl he likes and has had sex with, likes some other dude, that stings a little! Be cool to him but don’t keep leading him on!

I think he’s not as slutty as you. Not that that’s a bad thing.

Wideguy is totally right and IMO if either of you were interested in taking the step of entering a relationship where it was just you 2 and no others,then that should have been discussed.

Just curious,but how old are the 2 of you?

It’s only dating if both people feel that way. There is no one thing you can do that suddenly makes you a couple except talking about it and agreeing. Sorry boys but just because you fuck her you can’t claim her like you’re the first Spaniard in the New World.

Again we’re back to assuming things and in relationships that’s just a dumb thing to do. We don’t all have the exact set of expectations installed into our heads about things. If you want to be exclusive then fucking talk about it, don’t assume it. Women aren’t property and you’re dick isn’t a claim stake, only smaller.

No Azzho, I won’t be punching anyone again. Unless you count donkypunching your mom, but that’s on request.

Sorry for the jack, started by the jackoff. Now back to the topic at hand. Imagine the odds of two people who live out in Cali AND post on the T-mag thread sharing a “similar” situation as this one here. Isn’t it ironic? Don’t ya think? LOL

I’ve had this happen and it usually doesn’t end up pretty. Hopefully on the westside things work out a little differently. BTW P-dog, dinner would have scored you at least some points. How serious can a woman think you are about her if you aren’t even seen with her out in public. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE staying in taking it easy and shagging but that usually comes after at least some going out/dating takes place. Try to look at it from the other perspective. I don’t know about you, but if I go to a girls house and basically do nothing but talk/chill/bang without and I start thinking about using the GF word. I say something. Perhaps your lady friend wasn’t thinking that. Were you? If you were you should have said something to clear up any misconceptions. Good luck to you both. Maybe you two should get together and talk since you seem to be having the same problem:-)

That’s some funny shit Steely.


Did you and your friend decide to post the thread here to see what the forumites thought? Sounds like he’s a user on this site, so he may see the thread about your situation.

I’m not sure there’s much difference between dating and porking (in the words of Leykis). If you’re dating someone, chances are you’re engaged sexually. I would say this is a two way street. If this is mutually exclusive or not is another question. I’d suggest communicating with him directly. Obviously, emotional investment is key here.

Thank you wideguy. That was my point exactly. I am a little taller than him and I was under the impression that he wasn’t comfortable being seen in public with me because of that. Also, we did discuss the situation more than once, but as many people often do he really didn’t care to get into it. It was just far easier to just keep things going that way, but I am not one to rely solely on assumptions. As far as me being slutty…taking a random guy home from the bar is slutty, sleeping with numerous men in a short period of time is slutty, but not sleeping with just one person and having a friendship with them. Oh and yes warhorse he did try the whole dryhumping thing. Wasn’t my cup of tea though.

Oh yeah and P-dog shouldn’t you at least go on one date before you consider it “dating”?

mom jokes, you are a real Lenny Bruce, my friend.

Erika…you were friends with benefits.

He’s just not as free with his favors as you are.

“Just curious,but how old are the 2 of you?”

We’re both 27.

Definitely sounds like a fuck buddy situation.

Whenever I’ve had a “FWB” in the past it’s been under similar circumstances. Could it progress into something more? do you want to be with this dude at all or was it all for the Nookie?

The feelings to move forward need to be mutual, or else it won’t work, you seem like a smart cookie and you probably already know that.

Every FWB situation I’ve been in has turned awry, the Girl usually wants more, wants to do more as a couple and isn’t satisfied with just being a fuck buddy. It’s refreshing to see that women can feel the same way.

I was part of a relationship which just kind of ended that started as us hanging out, spending time together at work and outside of work, and going out on the weekends. Sex didn’t get “fully” introduced until about 5 weeks into the relationship. We were both kind of sketchy on where the relationship was going to go since she was moving to the other side of the country. It’s regrettable that we didn’t start earlier when I think back but like I said, wasn’t sure if we were going to end up friends or develop deeper feelings for each other.

That was dating, sex wasn’t even part of the equasion until later on.

Take care