T Nation

Friend and Ex-Fiance -- WTF

A little background before the question.

I have good friend who was engaged to this girl for about 1.5 years. They were supposed to be married last august. About April '04 he called and said that she broke it off. Of course he was pissed and didn’t talk to her much for a while after that.

This past fall i was talking to him and he mentioned that she had been seeing some guy from her hometown and she was now pregnant and apparently this guy didn’t want anything more to do with her. My friend also mentioned that they had been speaking more often of late.

More time passed and i didn’t hear much about her until a few weeks ago. My buddy said she was in town visiting him and that he had gone to stay with her the weekend before. When i asked him, he also said that he had recently slept with her again and they had been talking a lot more.

Now this girl came from kind of a broken home and was pretty much livin the life with my friend and he would have taken care of her no doubt. After they split I thought that would be it, espcially when i heard of her pregnancy. But now it looks like he might be willing to take her back, bastard child and everything.

I really don’t think this is a good idea, and i would hate for him to get dragged down by this bitch. Being a bit cynical i have to question her intentions.

Can i do or say anything that will make him see the light or do i just keep my mouth shut and hope that he figures it out on his own?

Pull a “Scott Peterson” on that bitch!

Honestly, I dont think that you can say or do anything to help out your friend.

We dig our own holes.

It’s unfortunate, but we usually don’t listen to some of the best advice. I think it might be best to tactfully question your friend about what he’s up to. Get some open discussion about, but don’t be mean about this girl. Just get him thinking. It might help, but if it doesn’t, you can always know that you at least said something. After the divorce (which may be inevitable), he will have more respect for you, especially if you don’t rub it in his face and say, “I told you so!”

Also, don’t judge. She might have been a little messed up and now can see the error of her ways. Kids have a tendency to humble you and make you grow up a little.

I’m sure you can think of several talking points, but I’d suggest asking open ended questions that lead him into an explanation of what he’s thinking, rather than a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. Show compassion. You might ask him how he feels about being a father to this child. Or, “How do you feel about always being second to her child?” She will most likely always put her child first and him second. It’s a difficult situation (I’ve tried twice before I finally gave up on women with children).

Good luck.

~ Jack

To follow on what JackZepplin said, I would focus on taking a woman with a child who is not his as well. For me, the angle I would go with is: “Would you want to have the possibility of another adult (the real dad) who is always involved in your family’s life, in one way or another (even if he’s not there, the kid will wonder about him as he/she grows older)?”

I’m assuming you and your friend are younger guys (younger than 30) – when I was dating I just flat out wouldn’t date someone with kids. With all the girls in my desired age range, there were plenty out there who didn’t have kids (and fit my other criteria as well). If you’re 50, well, different story…

Then there’s always the old “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me” idea – he might not like you to phrase it like that, but the idea still holds. Unless whatever he disliked about her completely changed, it will come up again.

Tell your friend to go find Mr. Hit and run and whoop his ass. Worry about what to do with the girl later, not being a man gets you an ass beating in my book.

just laugh at how pathetic your friend is. c’mon, he was engaged to her then she left and got pregnant and he’s taking her back. WTF!?

can’t say anything to him. Dude will make his own choices and will have to live with them, good or bad.

[quote]jackzepplin wrote:
Also, don’t judge. She might have been a little messed up and now can see the error of her ways. Kids have a tendency to humble you and make you grow up a little.

~ Jack[/quote]

True, but at this point I’d worry that she’s looking at the dude as a lifesupport system for her kid.

La’
Redsol1

If it was me…HELL NO, I would not take her back. I would help her out as much as possible in my power, but I don’t think I can bear that she is having a baby that’s not mine.

I don’t think he would really listen to you cause he’s still in love with her.

All good points. My main worry is that she is looking at him as a support now that she went and fucked up. It is possible that she just saw the error in calling off the engagement, but I just don’t want him to get stuck paying for this baby thats not even his just cuz she is a ho

i think if you are good enough friends, you can give him your advice and he can do what he wants with it. whole situation sounds suspicious, as i’m sure anyone here would agree with.