T Nation

French Military History

The Complete Military History of France:

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.”

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as “de Gaulle Syndrome”, and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; ?France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunken Frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her "Fraulein.? Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Weasel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French.? This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald’s.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be “Can we count on the French?”, but rather “How long until France collapses?”

I honestly don’t know enough about French history to be sure how much of that was true, but I do know it was damn funny.

That is freaking hilarious!

Sounds about right.

Funny stuff, Daam! Because I pretty much think France is an arrogant, do nothing, self-centered “We hate your guts, but the next time we need our asses bailed our, you’ll be the first we come crawling to” piece of shit country, I choose to believe every word of it. Verbatim, in fact.

It’s ignorant to judge individuals by the actions of their country’s leaders but in this case, what the hell, screw 'em all. (I know, I know, what a bitter ass I am…)

That is brilliant. I’m saving it to my hard drive.

They don’t have a lot of friends in NZ following their own terrorist action, bombing and sinking of the Greenpeace flagship, The Rainbow Warrior, while moored in Auckland. 1 person was killed and the bombers were honoured as hero’s in France. Here is a link for info www.aucklandcitypolice.govt.nz/History/warrior.htm

Just a forward, but I obviously thought it was amusing. I am glad other people enjoyed it.

Bombing a Greenpeace boat is probably on the upper end of French military capability. After all if not for US, they’d be speaking German today. For all those who think that France is being noble in their opposition to the US ousting Saddam, you should know that France is Iraq’s biggest trading partner. And, big surprise…oil is their biggest export. France is against a change in the Iraqi regime primarily because it would open Iraq up to US and UK based oil companies.

Daam that was GREAT!!

No offense to NZ or its people, hyphnz but I can;t think of a gayer name for a boat than the “rainbow warrior”
:slight_smile: Groove

France had a military? Wow they really suck. BTW… France’s trade with Iraq accounts for .003 of France’s GNP. Alot of money no doubt, but not a major player. The US gets approx. 10% of our oil from iraq. Part of the the surrender cluase after the gulf war. Which is another move that has back fired on us big time. We made Iraq sell their oil cheaper than everybody else, so now they have a line of customers. Who gets first dibs? The one who can get Saddam the most under the table.

LOL- Man, when I have a son the first thing i’m gonna tell him is never trust a french man. Great post

Grooveless, I’m not offended, it was a GREENPEACE vessell berthed in a NZ port, not a NZ vessell. You have heard of Greenpeac haven’t you? :slight_smile:
NZ does have an affinity with Greenpeace due to our nuclear free status and history of anti French nuclear testing in the South Pacific.

I’ve seen seen such a piece of BS…honestly…French helped us to get our independancy during our Revolution…and if France was such a group of loosers if would never be the 4th biggest economy in the world (after US, Japan, and Germany…)

I hate when people simplify history to this extent, it does not bring anything. We americans are already reproached not to know anything about the world…

Yeah, maybe you’re right, Ventpire. We have a lot to be thankful to the French for. I mean there’s the…uh…well how about the…um…hey, I know – (gotta say the obvious here)-- French Fries! What was I thinkin’?

French military high points

The Franks and other Germanic tribes invaded and conquered the Western Roman Empire.

Charlemagne conquered and created an empire that encompassed most of Western Europe (except Britain, Ireland, Iberia, Scandinavia and Southern Italy). Charlemagne thrashed the Mongol Avars that had been raiding Europe. Also he almost single handily dragged Europeans out of the dark ages.

El Cid trashed the Moors/Arabs in Southern France. El Cid stopped the Muslim Conquest of Western Europe. Without the French in Western Europe, the Austrians in the Balkans and the Russians in Eastern Europe the Muslims would have conquered Europe. Also the French and Norman French played a vital role in the reconquest of Iberia and Southern Italy form the Muslims.

The Norman French (i.e. French speaking Vikings) was probably the most effective military machine in the Middle Ages. They conquered England, Southern Italy and the Holy Land (i.e. the Crusades).

Also in modern times the French fort to save there empire. Unlike the English and other nations. It is better to fight and loses than to just give up.

The French also are trying somewhat to save their nation. Multiculturalism is not a state sponsored policy. A French nationalist (Le Pen) ran second in the presidential elections. This is much more fight than most other nations are putting up at the moment.

Fuck the french. All they do is bad mouth America. They sure would want our help if we they were being attacked by terrorists.They probably don’t want us going in there because the weapons Saddam has are made by the french. Who the hell wants some pansys on our side that can’t win a war.

YOU ARE ALL IGNORANT AND AROGANT, AND WE WOUNDER WHY MOST OF THE WORLD HATES THE U.S.A. NOW TO CARECT YOUR SIMPLIFEID HISTORY OF ONE OF THE GREATEST NATIONS ON THIS EARTH. THERE WOULD BE NO AMERICA WITHOUT THE FRENCH. AT ONE TIME FRANCE WAS THE MOST POWERFUL NATION. HOW FUNNY YOU ARE TO BELITTLE THE FRECHES ACTION IN WORLD WAR 1 AND 2, FRENCH CEPT GERMANY OUT IN WW1, FRENCH LOS OVER 1,500,000 SOLDERS (REAL FUNY YOU JACK ASSES). AS A RSULT, THERE WEREN’T MANY FRENCHMEN LEFT TO FIGHT IN WW2. NEVERTHELESS, 100,000 FRENCH SOLDIERS LOST THEIR LIVES TRYING TO STOP HITLER. ON BEHAVE OF EVERY ONE OF THOSE 1,600,000 MEN, I WOULD LIKE TO THANK YOU PEOPLE FOR YOUR CLEVER JOKES. THEY WERE OUT MANED, OUT-GUNNED, OUT GENERALED AND, ABOVE ALL, OUT-TANKED. THEY GOT SLAUGHTERED, BUT THEY STOOD AND FOUGHT FOR WHAT THEY BELIVED IN. HA-HA, HOW FUNNY! IN THE PLACES WHERE THEY HAD TANKS, THEY STOOD SPLENDIDLY. RELYING ON THE MAGINOT LINE WAS ONE OF THE GRATEST MILITARY FOLIES OF MODERN HISTORY, BUT IT DOES NOT REFLECT ON THE COURAGE OF THOSE WHO DIED FOR FRANCE IN 1940. FOR 18 MOUNTHS AFTER THAT EXECRABLE DEFEAT, THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA CONTINUED TO HAVE CORDIAL DIPLOMATIC RELATIONS WITH NAZI GERMANY. NOW TO FINISH CARECTING YOUR MISTAKES. NAPOLEON BONAPARTE (1769-1821) FRENCH SOLDER (OF CORSICAN ORIGIN), LATER EMPEROR OF FRANCE AND CONQUEROR OF MOST OF EUROPE. NAPOLEONIC WARS: THE GENRAL DESIGNATION OF THE CONTINENTAL WARS IN THE PERIOD BETWEEN THE PEACE OF 1801-3 AND 1815, WHEN NAPOLEON WAGED WARS AGAINST DIFFERENT COMBINATIONS OF STATES (SOME OF WHICH AT TIMES SIDED WITH HIM). THE PRINCIPAL SUCCESSFUL CAMPAIGNS WERE THOSE OF 1805 AGAINST AUSTRIA (AIDED BY RUSSIA. AND ARNOLDS HOME COUNTRY); 1806-7 AGAINST PRUSSIA (AIDED BY RUSSIA); AND 1809 AGAINST AUSTRIA. THE CAMPAIGN OF 1812, THE IN-VASION OF RUSSIA, RESULTED IN THE LOSS OF NAPOLEONS ENTIRE ARMY. IN THE CAMPAIGNS OF 1813 AND 1814 NAPOLAN PASSED TO THE DEFENSIVE AND WAS FINALLY DEFETED (AFTER A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT, WHICH RESULTED IN NEAR DUSTRUCTION OF BOOTH PARTYS). HIS LAST ATTEMPT IN 1815 ENDED AT WATERLOO. DOES IT NOT OCCUR TO ANYONE THAT THESE ARE VERY OLD FRIENDS OF OURS, TRYING TO TELL US WHAT THEY THINK THEY KNOW ABOUT BEING HATED BY WEAK ENEMIES (OR WEAK PEOPLE FOR THAT MATTER) IN THE THIRD WORLD? HOW MANY OF YOU ARIGANT ARSES HAVE EVER BEEN TO FRANCE? BY THE WAY I AM AN AMERICAN, HOW ABOUT YOU?

My man, if you want to be taken seriously you have to do a few things.

A. Kill the caps. It makes you look like a moron.

B. Learn to spell. Your spelling makes you look like a moron.

C. Stop defending the French military. It also makes you look like a moron.

“Better to be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.”