T Nation

For Those Gaining Size...


#1

A lighter look at the over technicality some people put into their lifting. THIS IS A JOKE, dont get your tampons in a twist over it.

Take your weight in pounds, MULTIPLY it by 10, add .5 for kg of bodyweight after consuming 1 gallon of water with exactly 2.25g of glucose sugar. Take that number DIVIDE by initial bodyweight, then MULTIPLY by 1.01 for each letter of your first name.

After that assign a number for each letter of the alphabet (a=1, b=2, etc). SUM those letter values then ADD that number in kg to the previous number.

YOU MUST ACCOUNT FOR MOON PHASE. Full moons will exert a slight pull thereby lessening the gravitational pull, so you must ADD your weight in grams multiplied by .0003452 on a full moon to negate the effect. You must pro-rate each day from full moon by ADDING .0000032 to the previous coefficient.

Initial weight must be taken EXACTLY 3.25 minutes after rising AND FACING WEST so as to minimize the gravity vector of the sunrise. You will have to adjust slightly for your specific latitude north or south of the equator. If you are at either pole, there is a seasonal coefficient which you must adjust for by mulitplying .0232345566 times the number of days from vernal equinox, or autumnal equinox if you are past that point in the year.

Take that number and write it down.

Next, eat until you start gaining scale weight.

Repeat.


#2

This should be stickied.


#3

Pfff Ive been doing that for nearly three years now. I believe, though, that you are missing one variable: Electromagnetic flux absorbed from space should be considered when wearing metal objects as it can either add or subtract mass from your true weight, thus affecting your training and subsequently your meal plans.


#4

Fool! Everyone knows you need to use QUANTUM flux in that calculation!


#5

Yes, Indeed. I wrote that in these forums a month or more ago..... Interesting, where did that show up?

Glad it made such an impression :wink:


#6

Arrrgghhh, quite the pitiful mistake I made! I couldve spontaneously combusted many a time over were it not for your correction!