T Nation

Flew Too Far Away From The Sun

Been a while. I just need to vent to some strangers so I stop hearing the same tired talks from people.

I’ve been in a committed relationship for 8 years. I love her with all my heart.

We had a strange relationship. We allowed a lot of space, and were incredibly trusting. We were/are best friends.

Over time she helped build me up from being a jobless shit, to having a good job, a nice house, the american dream.

And she left me Wednesday.

Its multifaceted, we were both very… financially dependent on eachother, but not emotionally. We both did our own thing. I started working more, upwards of 50-60 hours a week. I’m tired and burned out, and while I’ve never taken it out on her, I know it was hard to see me so burned out. That part is on me. And i will literally never live it down. I got too caught up trying to make our lives easier that i couldnt cater to her needs. I just assumed she was naturally as emotionally distant as me, clearly, I was a fucking idiot.

She also wants to travel the world and go fishing and hunting. While not my cup of tea, I realize now, that i would happily put my 2 weeks in at my job tonight if I could follow her. Fuck the money, fuck the stability we’ve built up, it truly doesnt matter to me, if there is a single chance to get her back, even just to watch her by some Alaskan lake.

Were still living together. Were on extremely good terms. No shouting or arguing. Even when she told me, I just smiled and told her that I understood. Which i do.

But I fucking hate it.

She needs her space. And by all means, I’m always the first to say that is important. Do not smother.

But how can those rules apply when the entire break up is about a lack of true romantic attention? I want to say fuck that, and go all in. I risk letting it fizzle into nothingness, or driving her away.

I’ve got to be honest, I’d rather fly too close to the sun and run her off, than watch her just slowly stop coming around. I feel like the risk is worth it. However I trust her judgment. If she wants space, I want to give her space.

I guess what sucks the most, is this has been on her mind for weeks, or even months, and I feel blindsided by it.

I’m so thankful she had the courage to talk to me about it. I dont have an ounce of ill will… I’m just crushed.

I dont know what good this will do, but I just needed to vent through a new outlet.

Thanks for listening.

Did you try telling her that? Maybe she just needs to hear it. Just because you know how you feel doesn;t mean she does. Just sayin’. From a man that’s been married for over 27 years.

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Believe me, I have. Were still talking. I send her a text whenever I have a lot on my mind (random note, shes got narcolepsy and sleeps at super random intervals) and use it as a diary. My focus being that I will never let her doubt how I feel again, it’s also a nice outlet.

Forgive me if I overstep anything.

But it’s okay to let go of the individualistic side of things when it comes to being partners. After all, you guys are two halves of a whole. So to speak.

My husband and I have a dynamic that can overreach into co-dependency sometimes (much the opposite of your situation), so we’ve taken it upon ourselves to find separate hobbies, which has been allowing us to feel more comfortable doing individual-type stuff. We have a more of a “pitch-in” attitude towards finances though. So long as the bills get paid it doesn’t matter.

I say that because it’s good to find a balance. Which I’m sure you already know.

I’m sure she can understand and look past that. As should you. Don’t beat yourself up about that.

If it makes you feel any better, again, using my marriage as an example, my husband and I make laughable amounts of money, we live in a 500$ studio in a not so good part of town, and are broke once nearly every time we pay rent, utilities, and shop for food. We have a little saved up, but not much. We drive old cars, and are pushing our way through college.

BUT…

Our lives aren’t really easy currently. We find ourselves struggling every couple of months, and sometimes we will sacrifice certain things over others, concerning taking care of financial needs, but I really don’t mind the struggle. Those nights where I’m laughing my ass off with my husband watching Netflix together on my phone because we were short on the cable bill are moments that I legit live for.

Of course I’m not saying completely ditch one area for another, but I think you get where I’m going with that.

Do it. DO IT. My husband and I will follow each other to the moon and back.

At least from observation on my end, I don’t think you’ll run her away. It’s been what? 8 years? We will make 8 years come August as well. I wouldn’t necessarily call it “a chase” by any means, but after all those years, reassurance it’s a normal thing to be requested. Verbally or non-verbally communicated. If anything I think being consistently persistent would be an okay way to go about it. Of course not overbearing, but reminders for her that she has your full undivided attention.

After about our first year together me and Mr.Cybertron kind of made it a point to what I call “hop out of cruise control” every so often. I’m not saying it’s bad, by any means, there’s a lot of comfort and stability to be had there, but some odd months we just randomly voice things we feel we would like to see more of, if the other is comfortable with it. Ranging from sexual stuff, outdoor activities, more sit-downs, etc. In your case, perhaps working on…emotional activities would help a bit? I don’t really know what else to call It so I’ll just call it that. The frequency with which you guys do it is entirely up to y’all.

Again, it’s okay. I truely think you two will be okay. It’s a great opportunity to get to know each other on a different and deeper level. To me at least, there’s always something new to learn about your partner, in some way, shape or form.

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I appreciate your input. Fortunately and unfortunately, we finally had a long in-person talk tonight after I posted this. I’m pretty sure this is at least semi-permanent. I feel like I’ve done all I can do, and now it’s just up to her to do what she needs to do.

I’ve just made it a point to speak as clearly and honestly as I can. Shes verbally thanked me for doing so. So I guess I at least feel like I’m handling it gracefully on my end.

This is a huge step for her, and I dont want to interfere. I’d just be happy if i could join her for the ride.

I’ll be okay. There wasnt a single minute of those 8 years I feel were wasted, and that’s giving me a lot of peace right now.

Nobody said breakups had to be bad, even if they do hurt.

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Well damn. That has to hurt.

Be patient with yourself.

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Sorry to hear about this and good luck man. I think you need to be prepared that she has moved on but this will be a balancing act sorting it out

This

And this

Don’t add up to

This is the oddest thing. Feels like she wants to know you would fight for her and you showed you didn’t.

Was marriage ever discussed?

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When someone handles a breakup with grace and poise …

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I see future vs present

It looks to me like you (both probably, not necessarily only you) made your lives difficult in the present, wanting an easier future.
There’s near future and distant future.

If you told her about quitting your job to travel with her, that can seem strange and extreme, all of a sudden sacrificing a distant future you’ve been killing your present self for in the present. (See below) Would that really be right for her to accept all of the sudden? Maybe you would regret it later. Maybe she would. That’s scary, also, difficult to process, if even possible

Needing someone can be scary. Someone needing you can be scary too. Trying to avoid either one or both is understandable and might be relevant. Becoming increasingly financially dependent upon someone that is decreasingly emotionally dependent on oneself could be scary, for example. Becoming increasingly financially dependent upon someone that is increasingly emotionally dependent upon oneself could be less scary, sorry to say, but, be careful

You’ve told her what you needed to say and… doesn’t look like it worked

Are you sure you understand?
Are you sure you’ve really understood what she was trying to say? …Maybe she wanted to say more?

Just checking, and if you think maybe not, then maybe check with her. And if it seems hard, maybe point back to that moment you smiled and said you understood, was it a forced smile? (Rhetorical question, not expecting an answer)
If it was forced, admitting it could be a way of opening a deep, uncomfortable conversation

Pay more attention.

Sorry for saying and asking all this, sorry for thinking it, that’s private stuff, I know. Hope it helps someone in some weird tangential way at least.
Basically I feel compelled to recommend against giving up yet, cautiously working with your thread title, while being uncomfortably difficult towards you. But maybe she’s the one that needs to readjust her distance to the sun, maybe she’s trying to avoid freezing or getting burned. Maybe you don’t actually want her as much as you think you do (or should)

(The above looks like a reflex rather than a well thought out solution to an understood problem, and not the likely turning point to a better, healthier, more enjoyable relationship). Good on her, I think, for not going for it. If she went for that, I might take that for a really bad sign, no disrespect intended. Try again, maybe

I read all your points, but have as much an update as a direct reply.

First, whooo. What a doozy. What a fucking weekend. From Wednesday to Sunday I was just scrambling to for any grasp of reason I could get. So much stability in my life just… up in the air. I never had any aspirations growing up, poor as hell and whatnot. So now that I managed to stumble into some security at a later age than I planned on even being alive… it was a smack to the face.

Yesterday we both sat down, and laid every card on the table. Just every emotion we had, and did our best to follow it with some logic. It was… a lot. For both of us. But it definitely… leveled the playing field.

Aside from this… massive exception… were both extremely logical, and have always given time for emotions to cool before discussing anything important. This was just a bit sloppier, but we finally hit that logical stage if you will.

I know this is all kind of vague, but it settled a lot of my emotions. I went to work. I’ve eaten all my full meals today. I got in the gym and hit it like it owed me lunch money. I haven’t slipped once today.

I know I’ll falter… but while there is still so much up in the air, I’ve hit my stride in how to cope with this finally.

Thanks for bits of advice everyone. Sorry for the fucking collapse. Sometime just venting to strangers really helps.

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I’ve not replied, but this is spot on. Sometimes venting to and hearing from people who have zero emotional investment in the outcome is exactly what we need.

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Definitely

No problem man

Hey man, I’m not going to pretend that I know exactly what you’re going through because your pain is your own. It’s a gift from the universe for fucking you over much like a scar on your hand is the reminder you don’t touch a hot burner.

And her leaving may never make sense to you and the sooner you internalize that the sooner you can begin to heal.

But it gets better, I can promise you that.

This!

Almost anyone who has ever lived will know to some extent exactly how you are currently feeling. I know I do. It’s horrible, BUT, life does go on a 6-months down the line things will be different, 12-months down the line different moreso and 2-years down the line it will be starting to be something of a memory and not the current.

Venting to strangers can be very cathartic. You can get things off your chest and never even bother looking at the replies it you don’t want.

Just keep moving forward man, one step at a time.

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What I’ve come to for myself when it comes to messy things (romance, budgets) is that my mind draws the outline (essentially what I will and will not do or accept) and then I allow my feelings to color freely within those boundaries.

It sounds like the two of you believe that the mind should be in control of every bit of this, but I think you’ve gone way too far to the logic side. So essentially your “drawing,” or relationship, lacks the color it needs. This comes in the form of passion, which can manifest in wild sex, laughter over botched or silly things, or arguing and then making up (“I’m sorry I said that to you…it wasn’t fair…but I was really upset that you something-or-othered”). The post-argument mutual apology is when negotiation occurs. If you avoid the former, you lose the latter.

All of this said not to try to influence things now, but just food for thought.

Also, giving notice at work makes no sense. Problem-solve reduced involvement in that arena. Plan a vacation. Seek balance. It sounds like that’s what she was or is missing.

Honestly, this is probably going to come off a bit sociopathic and crass, but… I’m pretty good now. At the time, I meant everything I said, but I’m pretty quick at adapting when necessary, and after a couple of days, it was all too clear that this wasnt a temporary thing. I just needed to come to terms with it myself. Knowing that, my mind started spinning on what I wanted moving forward, which I didnt view her as a necessary part. A much wanted part sure, but not absolutely required.

Long story short, we both have had moments of distance, and I guess this was the big one. We were fantastic… domestic partners I guess. We always bounced ideas off and helped get eachother on our feet (especially me coming from being poor AF) we share literally all tested moral views and principles… but in honesty we have very little truly in common.

I dont regret a minute of it, and I dont necessarily think shes “the one that got away”. I think we just grew up, and mistook an extremely docile and comfortable relationship as a perfect one.

I learned a lot, and I’m extremely thankful her and her family were there to provide so much help.

I should note, as cliche as this is, shes a bit different than a standard romantic chick. I was always aware no matter how much I tried to “woo” her if you will, if she makes up her mind, there is literally no force on earth that will stop her. Me, family, friends, legal repercussions, she doesnt care. If she thinks she needs to do something, she will drop every other aspect of her life to make it happen.

Now my big questions are, can I still buy this house, comfortably? Do I want to stay at the job that had a significant impact in this whole situation, now that I have so much more time? How is my remaining friendship with an ex of 8 years going to effect my future relationships? And how can I deadlift 600lbs?

Like I said, i truly meant everything I initially posted, but at that point, my personal goals didnt mean as much as she did. Now that I’ve started to fabricate a plan for my personal future again, I realize that this is the more stable option for myself, and the sky is the limit.

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Well, I guess for the sake of closure…

Found out she left me for another dude Sunday night. She leaves officially in like 3 weeks. …not “officially” left me for him, but… she started dating him within like a week of the break up, so it is what it is.

Sunday night and Monday were by far the most painful days of this whole event. Had a lot of introspection, a lot of sadness that turned into betrayal and rage. A lot of lashing out at everything around me.

Picked my sad ass up Tuesday and started busting my ass at work and the gym.

At first I couldnt find closure, and that sucked, but I moved passed it, as opposed to getting over it. But this made that ultimately easier.

I’m sure I stumble many more times, but i have a new lease on my life, a new drive to do better, and a hell of a chip on my shoulder to push me forward.

Thanks for the advice and letting me rant on here. It really helped.