I'm sorry if this comes accross as a bit of a rant, but I feel I've lost sight of what I'm trying to achieve. For 5 years now I've been massively into physique/fitness and I feel like I've tried most things with little success. At first I got into triathlons and more or less burned my body down to a tiny 10 stone (140 lbs) with more or less zero body fat. I manned up a bit and decided I wanted to gain a bit of mass, but within 2 years I was up at 13.5 stone (190 lbs) and although I felt stronger I felt puffy, out of shape and equally dis-satisfied.
Since then I've been playing around with a lot of things and I find myself currently sitting at around 12.5 stone (175 lbs) at around 9-10% BF. I lift weights 3 x a week and I sprint 3 x a week. I just don't feel I know what I'm trying to (or should be trying to) achieve- it feels like 95% of my time I'm on a slight calorific deficit trying to shred up a bit, aiming for something like 11.5-12 stone. I feel athletic but I'm not ripped (don't quite have a sixpack). I feel toned (I know, bad word) but not massively muscular or developed in the gym, and I think that whilst I'd look way better than average shirtless you wouldn't really look at me and know that I work out.
I want to have massive shoulders, I want big arms, I want a thick, wide back. But I want to feel lean, feel my abs and obliques when I run my hand over my tummy, and I want to feel like I'm athletic. More than anything, I just want some kind of direction- I have no idea at this stage if I should be trying to gain weight, trim down, whether I should be focusing on the weights, ditching the cardio... it goes on. Can anyone offer any advice?!