T Nation

Feeling Like A Shithead

One of my ex’s (longest relationship, first love, ect. ect) is still my friend. The thing is she considers me her best friend and to be honest I don’t really think of her like that. I want to see her happy, don’t wish bad things on her (despite that she totally broke my heart). We still keep in contact and hooked up for the first time since we broke up, like 4-5 years, ago over the summer. She came around throwing her ass all up in my face telling me how hot I looked and how much she wanted to fuck, I’m the best she’s ever had, has it gotten any bigger. In other words all the key things to get a guy in the sack (plus she paid for dinner/drinks/and drove). Well obviously, this didn’t work for long and she got hurt. In a way I probably (subconciously) did this to get back at her.

I told her how it’s gonna be and she begrudingly accepted it. In fact she’s even gotten as cool as to try to hook me up with one of her friends. She wasn’t happy when I suggested it at first but eventually warmed up to it and in turn wants me to get her some action from some of my boys. SOO I think things are cool.

Her health has always been an issue crhon’s, ibs, borderline personalites, just to name a few things. Most recently she has been having problems with her ovaries. She just told me today that she has to go in for surgery fairly soon. Obviously she’s scared and nervous. She asked me if I’d watch a movie with her because “she wants somebody to cuddle with that she loves”. I’m quite conflicted here on several levels. She’s told me she loves me many times and when I get pissy about it she says that it’s not like that kind of love, it’s friendship. As a guy who has very few female friends and NO close relationships with females that aren’t sexual (except my mother, grandmother’s, whom I’m real tight with) I don’t really know how to handle this. I want to be strong and stand by her like a real man should but at the same time I’m afraid that might lead her on and keep her trapped in the notion (that I think she still hasn’t let go of) that I’m in love with her.

Furthermore, I’m really starting to become interested in this girl in my psych classes ( simply gorgeous, sweet, gentle, kindhearted). Things aren’t even remotely serious yet but I’m starting to get the idea that if I keep things moving the way they’ve been it will be real nice. That in mind, is it remotely acceptable to explain (if I have to and no I won’t lie, don’t even curse in front of her) that I have to be there for my ex girl in this situation.

Typing it out the answer seems soo obvious. I should be there for my ex, strictly as a friend. It’s just I don’t know what to do about this feeling of guilt I have when I know that somebody values me soo much and it’s not reciprocal.

Dammit dude. You already know what to do. It just sucks, believe me I know. One of my ex’s here at the hospital talked me into the sack last fall (despite my common sense telling me it was a mistake) and now I’m her buddy again. Major cockblocker for the rest of the girls I might encounter here (there are many many many, and most of the guys who work here are gay male nurses). Anyway, you don’t need advice, just a place to vent, and I guess I should thank you 'cause I just vented a little too.

Be cool, buddy. You can do this. The girl in your class will just have to understand. I bet she will.

Dude, why don’t you just tell her that. Just like you typed it.

Tough question. Maybe this can help sort things out, although the level of closeness you share makes me think most of the following will not apply: http://www.intellectualwhores.com/manifestations.html

if you tell her the story, just like you typed it, and she’s as kindhearted as you say–she’ll not only understand but you’ll score some points with her for being sensitive and caring etc.
–T.

Not that that’s why you’d do it…

Dude, I remember a couple months you posted about this chick. Shes still kickin around?

Anyways, what video is it? Is it like a video of the procedure she’ll be going through or is it “You’ve Got Mail” starring Tom Hanks?

I’d tell her no. Based on how you’ve described her past actions, she seems unable to treat you as a friend and friend only. If you don’t want to be put in a potentially sticky situation, then don’t put yourself there in the first place.

There’s lots of ways to support a friend other than cuddling with them during a movie.

Honesty man. Tell her exactly how you feel and that it’s hard for you cause you don’t feel like how you think she might feel-love.

You ARE the great guy she thinks you are, and you WILL be there for her. So by even bringing this up your looking at HER best interest.

Girls have a HUGE spectrum of feelings. You may be seeing this as black and white…i love u, you love me or we aren’t in love- only can be either or. Maybe she really DOES just have that brotherly/sisterly love for you.

BUt again you are right to be worried.

Delicate situation, she needs you emotionally right now.

best of luck man, keep us posted. My mom had a surgery where they had to remove her ovaries twice when i was really young…she had to have it a 2nd time cause the doctor messed up… was fucking tough on my mom. Wish your friend a safe operation and a speedy recovery

Xen

Gee Wideguy…sounds like a really nice girl you have there, better marry her. You don’t want that one to get away :slight_smile:

The new girl is a real nice one. However, I’m not even close to having her. We’ve talk in class, she’s shown me pictures of her family (she carries them around since it’s her first time away from home and she’s from a big family and they’re all real tight). To be honest other than the fact that she doesn’t like me (anybody) to curse, she loves children, she won’t let me eat any of her pretzels without asking if I’ve washed my hands, doesn’t like me to bite my nails and has the most beatiful warm face I can remember looking at in a long time, I really have no clue if she’s interested at all at this point. Oh yeah she decided to let me know she has her period right now?

As for the ex. Things are exactly black and white with somebody with borderline personality. However, I do admit that I just probably need to put that out there for piece of mind and to see if you boys agree. As usual this all comes in a typical shit storm ie. I was studying for a stats exam, working on a paper, my d-bag brother just failed another random piss test,parents flipping the fuck out, and then the ex calls up hysterical.

I am however looking at this all in the manner that it’s merely adding a different dimension to life at this point…it certainly isn’t boring.

[quote]Wideguy wrote:
Oh yeah she decided to let me know she has her period right now?

[/quote]

Careful dude, don’t let yourself get into the cuddle bitch category.

Bro, thanks for the heads up but there’s NOOOOOO MUTHAFUCKINGWAY I’m ever at risk of the cuddle bitch category.

Haha so here’s the sit:

She wants you to do some random sappy emo stuff with her. The only reason you would do this is because you feel like it’s your duty as a man. WRONG! Your duty as a man is to do whatever the fuck you want. 'Nuff said.

Lonelobo, you’re the shit. 'Nuff said.

Uh yeah… ok.

Often having quality recipricol relationships with other humans, ya know, not the computerized kind, requires a little more tact than that.

Wideguy, like I said, just tell her exactly what you told us. You value her as a friend, you are OK with helping her out, but you want to make it very clear there is no getting back together, and that should not be a pretense for anything you do.

print out your post or the entire thread and give it to her to read at an appropriate time.

could be a good idea

If you feel badly that she truly cares for you and the relationship has not been reciprocal, and you do care for her, this looks like one of the times that you can make it reciprocal.Be there for her. Its not allways easy being a man. This is the kind of stuff that makes men. Any one of us can be a self absorbed, narcisistic, shadow of a man, but it takes courage to face your feelings, and put yourself at risk. If we aren’t here for the people we love and care for, why are we here?
As for the sweety in the psych class, she should have some insight into the female psyche. She will probably understand, and may even think better of you for it.
Go for it.

I’ve pretty much made up my mind on the whole situation wiht the ex, and plan on helping her but making my intentions crystal clear and set in stone (if that makes any sense at all).

Now on to the whole cuddle bitch comment.In my sleep deprived, spike induced mind I’ve been obsessing over this comment for the last three hours. I even ran it by my training partner and he agreed it could be a cuddle bitch situtation. THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE! I’m really starting to consider this and it’s pissing me off. In all of my past experiances the only time I’ve been notified of this is when I’m about to hit it and I’m warned that unless I wanna get my red wings to leave it alone. That in mind I figured it was kinda a good thing that she told me (although a bit odd). However, I can definitely see where something like this could signify her confiding in me on a friend level and that would put me on the “you’re not gonna rip me ladder”. I guess there are two possible solutions to this.

  1. Stop the surface conversation and flirting and just start spitting some serious game at her.
  2. Keep up with the playful flirting/subtle approach and see where it goes.

That’s enough mental masturbation on this subject for today. 4 hours of sleep, 3 spikes and 2 monster assasins are great to keep you awake/focused but cannot keep me functioning at a rational level.

[quote]Wideguy wrote:
That in mind I figured it was kinda a good thing that she told me (although a bit odd). However, I can definitely see where something like this could signify her confiding in me on a friend level and that would put me on the “you’re not gonna rip me ladder”.[/quote]

Don’t sweat this. I’ve had a chick “confide” in me, and I hammered her a week later. Get some sleep! :slight_smile:

Bro, watch the movie; if you get a hardon and she starts rubbing her butt on it like a dog in heat, hit that shit! Stay for a little while afterward, just make sure you don’t sleep over. She may just want the feeling of closeness with someone for a couple hours and the next morning not be worried about it. No reason that it is any of psych girls business. The whole period thing just sounds like it might be nervous talk or she’s just a chatty ho. Don’t worry about it. Cuddle bitch.