Shit, man. I'm really down these days. Not eating, not training... Got into cool shape this summer, but it's fading away and I don't have the motivation to go further.
I planned on giving my body a rest during september, then unleasing the dogs of war come october and bulking up to 220, 230 (I'm like 180 now). Just giving it all I've got, lots of good food, heavy basic training, the supps, plus you can get Test Enth over here for like one US dollar, legally. I was set.
Now I'm thinking, why bother? Got up to 210, 215 last winter, easily. Cut down to 185-ish. Looked good, for a while, people complimented, girls noticed, whatever. I wasn't in it for them. Just wanted to... ya know, look good. Which I did, and I'm still fine, it's just that, well, what's the point?
Lifting big ass weights, putting away the food on a schedule, no night life since you gotta sleep, drinking those God-awful protein powders and the pins... I stick myself, and it's tiresome and boring. It all boils down to a standout phisique, which is good for... what? Not self esteem, that's for sure. Not girls - although they appreciate it, they don't really put value on it. It's not a deal-breaker if you know what I mean. Health? Ya right! Burning out the negative energy? Yup, and I'm OK for a couple of hours after training. That is it.
I'm thinking on giving up on this whole bodybuilding thing. Been at it since I was 16, used to spend my entire allowance on gym membership and train in secret, since my folks weren't happy about it. I used to be 137 pounds soaking wet. Couldn't perform a pull up nor a dip. I sucked. I got better, got into a comp in 2002., got second in the junior lightweights, trained for myself after that...
I've been fat with no neck, I've been skinny with no muscle, I've been ripped and muscular... It's all really minutiae. I get excited when a big show happens, I read the rewievs, I scan the photos, I notice some really impressive bodybuilders out there. Lots of those posting here, as well. Then again, I honestly don't WANT to look like that. I used to strive for the Zane look, once I've reached my goal, I don't seem to care anymore.
It's all so obsessive, controlling. Get up, eat, take the pills and powders. Take a shit. Go to work. Eat more. And more. Rest for a while, eat, wait an hour, than train. Post workout shake, pills, meal. Bathe, sleep. One more meal and it's bed time. I'm lucky if I manage to jerk off once in a while on such a strict schedule. My shits are long and grueling. By the end of #2, I'm sweating like I've just ran a mile. My skin is oily, my odor heavy, I've got 2 sizes of clothes, pants in 34 and 30. The moodiness is all over the place on gear, the hands shake on stimulants, black coffee tastes like mud and the tuna like carton.
Burned out is what you might call me. Sorry for the long ass post.