Workout Schedule v 1.0.
Day 1. Burger King Day
Notes: The first day of my workout week usually consists of allowing my body to rest from last week’s exhausting workouts. I usually ask for extra mayo on my whopper to make up for any calories I might need while bulking up. When you’ve got my size and strength, it’s ok to eat anything you want (with seconds!).
Day 2. Focusing on the Workout Week Day
Warm-up: Sit, stand, walk around in the change room and think about the workout. I do this naked to get a better sense of my body and the awesome capabilities I have. I don’t do this for more than 1 hour because I can’t help but get a little excited looking at a fine body like mine.
Workout: a. standing thumb stretch
b. seated thumb stretch
c. arm circles
Notes: Most of my time on day 2 is spent mentally preparing myself for the tough workouts ahead. I usually hold the thumb stretch for 12 to 13 seconds for 2 sets while eyeing other people in the gym. I have to let them know who’s the big boss around here. Sometimes, I’ll stretch in the squat rack or i’ll do it close by someone lifitng a weight. The king has to let his people know when he’s in his kingdom! During arm circles, I sometimes make a “whoop whoop” noise with my voice. Although I don’t want to attract any attention to myself, other people look on very enviously. I guess they just can’t help admiring a true Adonis.
Day 3. Richard Simmon’s “Sweating to the Oldies vol.1”
Note: I usually spend a lot of time sitting on my couch and standing on escalators, or driving to and from Wendy’s, so I do get a lot of cardio in my week. But I think all fitness enthusiasts should complement their workouts with a ground-shattering fitness video like “Sweating to the Oldies.” Oftentimes, when I get past the title screen, I take a quick breather (that’s the part when they’re trying to see if they’ve got any loose change or loose hamburgers in their neck flab). Sometimes, I grab a Zima and sit and watch the rest of the video and try to visualize myself with those magnificent blue whales. Sometimes I start daydreaming about sailing on the crest of their cellulite. But I’m quickly awakened when Richard yells “You’re fabulous!”. On these days, I’m so satisfied with my workout, I treat myself to a bucket of extra-skin KFC. If I also sat through and “visualized” volume 2 (with another Zima), then sometimes I’ll get an extra large fries with it (extra gravy!).
Day 4. Iron Day
Note: I call day 4 “Iron Day” because it’s the peak day in my workout schedule and I really “go for the pump” on this day. I’m a very advanced lifter, so I usually do only one set of 2 or 3 reps of the following exercises (not necessarily in this order or all completed in every workout)
Warm-up: I hold my breath for up to 8 seconds at a time. This puts me in a powerlifting frame of mind. It’s no secret that Dave Tate stole this warm up routine from me to lift the big weights. Copycat!
Workout: a. Single push-up from knees (with spotter of course!)
b. Toe scrunches
c. Overhead hand clapping (arms starting from sides. no cheating!)
d. Body weight 1/4 squat (if you follow this workout and are too tired at this point to lift your own body weight, skip this exercise and cry like the baby you are!)
e. The blooming flower (this is an exercise I invented myself! Get into the tiniest scrunchiest little ball you can get to, and then “bloom” out and stand tall like you were a flower! Do this maybe twice if you’re not tired by now and you’ll feel so pretty! If you’re having trouble scrunching up, do a 1/4 the blooming flower by starting in a standing position)
f. Breather - walk to water fountain and back to get the cardio benefit. Personal note: I try to talk to chicks during this time while I’ve got my pump.
g. Arm flutter (like a flutter kick but in front of you. When I do it in a mirror, I notice how my flab moves in a jiggly wave pattern. So seductive!)
h. Breather - during my second breather, I check to see if I’m sweating or not. If my forehead is damp, I know I overtrained that week. Usually, I’ll take next week’s Iron Day off and replace it with either another Burger King Day, or Poutine Only Day.
i. I finish my workouts by splashing water on my body and face. The lasts for about 5 minutes even if people are waiting behind me in line. They might look like they want water, but they just want to be near the lion in all his majesty.
Post-workout nutrition is crucial after the workout on Iron Day. I usually buy a fruit smoothie from the health bar with extra soy, and then head to my local pub for beer and food. At this time, I usually have only 5-6 pints, but I know I need more carboteins for my bulging musculature. If I overtrained (it happens more than I’d like), I eat 40-50 wings. Usually, I only eat 35.
Day 5. Buffet Day
Notes: The arduousness of my workouts cannot go unrewarded! I usually hit a buffet lunch and follow that up with a nice big buffet dinner. Chinese buffet is usually best because there are a lot of carboteins and lipodrates in the food. I deserve it!
Day 6. Pose day
Notes: I’ve noticed that I’m genetically gifted when it comes to lifting big weights and having a beautiful, 33% body fat frame. My pump usually lasts about 4-5 days after Iron Day, so I set aside one day as “Pose Day”. Some people think flaxseed oil is only good for the diet. Fools! I don’t know how those morons stand the taste! I tried 4 drops of the stuff and I had to have 2 sundaes from Dairy Queen to get rid of the taste! Last summer, when I was out of tanning oil, I used the leftover flaxseed oil. How I was shocked! The oil accentuated my incredibly manly and muscular frame and softened the chafing I get in my folds. Since that day, Pose Day was invented. Pose Day is very intense. I spend about 10 minutes covering my body with flaxseed oil, making sure i get all my muscles lubed up, and then I have no choice but to spend 2, sometimes 3 hours in front of my mirrors to truly appreciate the magnificent statue before me. Some of you out there might want to have your own Pose Day. I would suggest not to. You may get too embarassed by your puny frame and toothpick arms that you may never set foot in the gym again. Take it from me. I’m an expert.
Day 7. Face Day
Notes: Most trainees on this day usually take it off because they are weak and don’t have my amazing fitness. I, however, being a true elite athlete, use this day to my advantage by having my own Face Day. On this day, I spend about 10 minutes practicing my facial expressions in the mirror as though I were lifting the big weights like I do on Iron Day. So far, I’ve developed The Grunt, The Almost Locked-Out, The Passing-A-Kidney-Stone, The This-Is-Too-Easy-For-Me, and The Constipator. You may want to consider having your own Face Day. But I don’t think any of you out there are as dedicated as I am.
That’s my workout for now. I’ll update it when I see fit to make changes, though that is highly unlikely due to its (and my) perfection. If you want to try this workout schedule, I urge you with caution. I designed it for elite athletes like myself with incredible genetics and blinding dedication. Good luck. Maybe one day you’ll be able to lift like I do and have a body like I have. But most likely not.
