T Nation

Fat Bastard Takes a Dip


My qualifications are thus:

Near completion of the advanced one-day St. Johns Ambulance First Aid course.

Many, many hours spent reading T.V Guides Rosanne features and there was also the time that Readers Digest had the Obesity article. Of course I did not actually read the story but the Humour in Uniform was hilarious.

4th Grade Spelling-Bee champion (Hi Mrs. Graph!)

O.K. maybe not the most stellar of credentials but enough to get us through this. You're here, I'm here and you already started reading so you might as well finish it...

I am a Snob.

More specifically I am a "Fat Snob". I do not like Fat Folks (hereafter known as F2's) before I get a ton of PM's telling me how shallow and emotionally pedantic this is, I already know.

It's horrible.


It could also indicate a character weakness that Freud would say is derived from my Mother and/or sexual perversions involving Bukake Girls, Latex and Spicy Bean Dip.

But it doesn't.

Well, except the Bean Dip part, that's true enough.

I should be clear here that I am not talking about people who are "overweight", I am talking about people who have Knee Fat, and worse yet, Groin Fat. Some take Groin Fat to a whole new level when they develop actual "Cleavage" down the middle of the Groin Fat. At what point do you say goodbye to your penis and you don't mind never seeing it again? I am not referring to clinical obesity, just run of the mill fatness...

That kind of Fat.

It turns out that I know where to find it. If you are ever in need of subjects for case studies, The Swimming Pools and Water Slides at Lilac Resort in Winnipeg Manitoba have all you could ever need. All colours shapes and sizes and all wearing a swimsuit that ceased fitting about 85 pounds ago. These F2's are like cartoons except Fat Albert was funny and never contributed to Night Terrors and the memory of greased up 400 pounders turning themselves into Jell-O-based Ballistic Weapons of Mass Destruction hurtling down the slides and displacing a good portion of the pool at the bottom remains vivid and disturbing...




My wife thinks that I am a Narcissist (I am) and hates the way my face screws up in a sneer that indicates I am about to go off on my "Fat Rant" yet again and usually picks this time to engage in an extended search for the sunscreen or other missing accruement and does her best to look "unattached" to the large ranting Bald man that's drawing stares from nearby Sunbathers and amused glances from agreeing "Non F2's".

I look at it this way:

When I got up this morning, I had a decision to make, I could decide to have some respect for my fellow humans (and myself) and shave and wear pants or I could head out to the Piggly Wiggly unshaven with my, well, with my "Piggly Wiggly" hanging out.

Most days I choose the Shaven, Panted look and I believe that many of my neighbours appreciate this, evidenced by the fact that I have not been receiving near as many visits by the local constabulary and the incidents of Pants-related Community Association meetings have decreased dramatically. If it wasn't for the respect men have for the rest of society I believe that we would quickly devolve into Hairy, Pantless Mobs indistinguishable from Apes except for the remote controls grasped with our opposable thumbs.

Hell, Timmy P ends up like that after every Long-weekend, it takes 3 weeks of training to get him to re-master indoor plumbing again.

Obviously society as a whole agrees with me on this and by logical extension (pronounced "Because I said so") I would think that most would also agree that the visual assault of 400 pounds of Oreo gobbling, Coke guzzling, Bathing Suit-Clad behemoths is disturbing. Especially when we KNOW what causes this Fat condition and the solution lies within every one of these Fat-Kneed Fuckers to change their condition.

But they don't.

They choose not to and by that choice, they choose to have me comment on it.

And if they don't like it?

Let 'em eat 'Cake.

"If you want to look young and thin hang around old fat people"

~ Jim Eason


Oops...just read this weeks reader mail...Mechaman is going to be pissed.

Oh well, if the Fat Bastard can't take a joke, Fuck 'em.

"Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds"

~ Joan Rivers


Dear Mr. Cupcake;
Out of all writing on the internet (which makes up 90% of my reading material, supplemented only by used copies of Maxim that I find at the gym, and only if the pages aren't too stuck together) I would unequivocally state that your words fall into the category of the top 1% for content, prose, style, and wit.

I'd pay you to write my thesis for me but there's probably quite a few of the F2's on the scientific refereed journal boards. Plus, you probably don't know jack about the nitty picky science of orthodontics.

Anyway, keep it up. Your wife probably takes for granted how absolutely important your rants and editorializing are for my sanity. Tell her to go by you an nice steak from me and present it to your majesty wearing nothing but a smile and maybe some practical shoes.

ps. Why stop at Winterpeg, Manisnowba. Come to the food court at West Edmonton Mall, and you and I will go huntin'. Bring the big gun...

dr. d


Ahh I can feel the love thru the monitor. i feel the same way about the grossly obese,but I think everyone here does. Unless their a freak and find that attractive. A fetish of some sort and that would be just wrong.Way wrong.


Is there anyone here that didn't relate to the part about his wife, finding something to do, when he gets the "rant" look on his face?


Okay, every one, remind me to NOT read 'Cake's posts at work. People are staring...


So thankful someone had the political incorrectness to actually rant!

Was in Reno recently. My spouse and I went downstairs to the coffee shop for breakfast. Upon entering (through a cloud of cigarette smoke) I viewed the room filled with 300+ folks...entire familes of them; shoving mass quantities into their faces between puffs on their cigarettes. They were bulging over the spindly chairs to the point that the chair appeared to be stuck in the crack of their wide loaded asses.

I stood there for a moment with my breakfast-hungry husband and got almost physically ill. There was no way in hell I could sit amongst that bunch and maintain an appetite. Had to leave and look for leaner pastures. Needless to say, husbands aren't the only ones to get that "spouse look".


I wrote a really good rant, but something happened in the preview and it didn't post. I guess I don't get to offend anyone today.


Dr. D...

Taking a whack at your thesis sounds like fun, I have never let the lack of knowledge interfere with my writing before and can imagine no future moment where I say to myself "Hey, I don't know shit about this, maybe I should stop making stuff up"...it actually turns out better if creative license is abused a little bit. Kinda like rough sex but there is no need to call a Cab afterwards and my Penis stays clean.

Mrs. Cake usually prefers Tassels to accessorize the ensemble but you hit our Saturday night hobby to a "T".

Please stop Peeking through my Kitchen window, you are stepping all over my Zucchini's and whatever you are doing to my Tomatoes is killing them and they taste funny too.

I look forward to meeting you at "T2" up in the Chuck for 454SS' B-day bashing, now shouldn't you be shoving sharp, pointy, scraping tools into your victims, I mean patients mouths?

"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie"

~ Jim Davis


I got into Orthodontics so that I no longer need to shove the "poker", the "gouger", or the "scraper" into people's mouths.
As hard as it is to believe for some of you non-dental types, I hated giving needles. A lot of people don't realize how mentally fatiguing it can be to get told "I hate the dentist" about 20 times a day. Do people go up to the pizza guy and say "I hate the pizza guy". NO! (Even though, only moments before, he just finished putting his pubes on their salty cheesy treat because they never tip him).

As for the Edmonton visit, I'm still not clear when that is. But I'll say right now that anything involving buggery is right out. However, if anyone wants to go get their picture taken by the new cameras on Whyte avenue, they are now up and running. No more beating up the cops. I'll hopefully make it to some or all of it. (Whatever is free rocks right now, as my student loan ran out and I had to eat a pigeon that hangs out on my 26th floor balcony). But I can go sell a kidney if it means having some fun with y'all (oops, my San Antonio accent is coming back).

Dammit, I'm rambling. Okay, see ya later.
Off to the Monday Thong Spotting/Running Group.

By the way, I'll be looking for names of my future office. But that's another thread. Winner gets a free elastic band and a cup of coffee.


Excellent rant, Cupcake, I agree with you 100%.