My qualifications are thus:
Near completion of the advanced one-day St. Johns Ambulance First Aid course.
Many, many hours spent reading T.V Guides Rosanne features and there was also the time that Readers Digest had the Obesity article. Of course I did not actually read the story but the Humour in Uniform was hilarious.
4th Grade Spelling-Bee champion (Hi Mrs. Graph!)
O.K. maybe not the most stellar of credentials but enough to get us through this. You’re here, I’m here and you already started reading so you might as well finish it…
I am a Snob.
More specifically I am a “Fat Snob”. I do not like Fat Folks (hereafter known as F2’s) before I get a ton of PM’s telling me how shallow and emotionally pedantic this is, I already know.
It’s horrible.
Awful.
It could also indicate a character weakness that Freud would say is derived from my Mother and/or sexual perversions involving Bukake Girls, Latex and Spicy Bean Dip.
But it doesn’t.
Well, except the Bean Dip part, that’s true enough.
I should be clear here that I am not talking about people who are “overweight”, I am talking about people who have Knee Fat, and worse yet, Groin Fat. Some take Groin Fat to a whole new level when they develop actual “Cleavage” down the middle of the Groin Fat. At what point do you say goodbye to your penis and you don’t mind never seeing it again? I am not referring to clinical obesity, just run of the mill fatness…
That kind of Fat.
It turns out that I know where to find it. If you are ever in need of subjects for case studies, The Swimming Pools and Water Slides at Lilac Resort in Winnipeg Manitoba have all you could ever need. All colours shapes and sizes and all wearing a swimsuit that ceased fitting about 85 pounds ago. These F2’s are like cartoons except Fat Albert was funny and never contributed to Night Terrors and the memory of greased up 400 pounders turning themselves into Jell-O-based Ballistic Weapons of Mass Destruction hurtling down the slides and displacing a good portion of the pool at the bottom remains vivid and disturbing…
*JiggleJiggleJiggleRumbleRumbleSPLOOSH!..
JiggleJiggleJiggleRumbleRumbleSPLOOSH!..
JiggleJiggleJiggleRumbleRumbleSPLOOSH!..*
My wife thinks that I am a Narcissist (I am) and hates the way my face screws up in a sneer that indicates I am about to go off on my “Fat Rant” yet again and usually picks this time to engage in an extended search for the sunscreen or other missing accruement and does her best to look “unattached” to the large ranting Bald man that’s drawing stares from nearby Sunbathers and amused glances from agreeing “Non F2’s”.
I look at it this way:
When I got up this morning, I had a decision to make, I could decide to have some respect for my fellow humans (and myself) and shave and wear pants or I could head out to the Piggly Wiggly unshaven with my, well, with my “Piggly Wiggly” hanging out.
Most days I choose the Shaven, Panted look and I believe that many of my neighbours appreciate this, evidenced by the fact that I have not been receiving near as many visits by the local constabulary and the incidents of Pants-related Community Association meetings have decreased dramatically. If it wasn’t for the respect men have for the rest of society I believe that we would quickly devolve into Hairy, Pantless Mobs indistinguishable from Apes except for the remote controls grasped with our opposable thumbs.
Hell, Timmy P ends up like that after every Long-weekend, it takes 3 weeks of training to get him to re-master indoor plumbing again.
Obviously society as a whole agrees with me on this and by logical extension (pronounced “Because I said so”) I would think that most would also agree that the visual assault of 400 pounds of Oreo gobbling, Coke guzzling, Bathing Suit-Clad behemoths is disturbing. Especially when we KNOW what causes this Fat condition and the solution lies within every one of these Fat-Kneed Fuckers to change their condition.
But they don’t.
They choose not to and by that choice, they choose to have me comment on it.
And if they don’t like it?
Let 'em eat 'Cake.
“If you want to look young and thin hang around old fat people”
~ Jim Eason