I had trouble finding where to put this as it's a satire of a Forbes magazine article about fitness and it contains some political satire as well. So, here's where it landed:
With a new year comes a renewed commitment to get in shape and the fitness industry stands ready to accommodate you with a variety of new and exciting programs. As reported by Forbes magazine, there are such examples as ?Gyrotonics? which combines principles from yoga, dance, gymnastics, swimming and tai chi. (Wow!) Also, ?Stiletto Strength? which combines 4? heels and Pilates which sounds less like an exercise class and more like a federal subpoena of Google.
But even these aren?t the most cutting-edge programs available and so as a public service, we present the very latest in fitness trends:
Burmese Intensity Weight Lifting: Combining traditional western ?Weight Lifting? with the words ?Burmese Intensity? results in a fitness program with an exotic-sounding name!
Eskimo Speed Running: This latest craze takes traditional running and gives it an ?arctic twist? by having you run outside in the winter. You want to increase your speed? Run in 20-degree weather in tights and you?ll get speed!
"Core Focus You" Aerobics: There?s nothing quite like the personal touch to specifically address your unique needs and goals. With its custom-tailored programs individually optimized for your own distinctive species, and only your species, Core Focus You makes sure you don?t have to make any compromises. (Homo sapien only available.)
Foreign-Sounding Exhalation: 35-minute fitness sessions will have you yelling out ?moborda-chu!? in unison with your classmates recreating the joyous atmosphere of the harvest celebration of the Chnitna tribe of Africa that, while not an actual tribe, is a realistic and faithful composite of other tribes that also don't exist.
Meat Packing Samurai: Classes are held in the meat-packing district where a combination of cutting implements, cattle cars from Omaha, and eight-hour classes gives you a workout you?ll never forget. (Union card required.)
Cowboy Cross-Training: In this combination of ranch chores and ladies dresses, you will find that? wait, did we say cross-training? Sorry, never mind.
Contraption-O-Cizer: Don?t have time to go to a health club or take classes? Try the Contraption-O-Cizer 1500 ZXT, combining the very latest in rubber bands, springs, pneumatics and advanced hydraulic systems it?s guaranteed to give you a workout you?ll never forget. Ever. Bush administration black-ops interrogators give it ?two thumbs up, way up.? (May not be in compliance with Geneva Convention.)
Joe Biden ?Super-Lung? Program: Ever wonder how Joe Biden can speak non-stop for 47 minutes without taking a breath? Well now you can too! Program consists of a three-hour video tape of Samuel Alito staring at you silently. You do the rest! (Order in the next 30 days and get complimentary Crest Whitestrips, SprayTan in a Can, and a handheld mirror.)
I recomment the Forbes article for the "Stilleto Strength" picture: