T Nation

Fashionable Fitness


#1

I had trouble finding where to put this as it's a satire of a Forbes magazine article about fitness and it contains some political satire as well. So, here's where it landed:

Fashionable Fitness

With a new year comes a renewed commitment to get in shape and the fitness industry stands ready to accommodate you with a variety of new and exciting programs. As reported by Forbes magazine, there are such examples as ?Gyrotonics? which combines principles from yoga, dance, gymnastics, swimming and tai chi. (Wow!) Also, ?Stiletto Strength? which combines 4? heels and Pilates which sounds less like an exercise class and more like a federal subpoena of Google.

But even these aren?t the most cutting-edge programs available and so as a public service, we present the very latest in fitness trends:

Burmese Intensity Weight Lifting: Combining traditional western ?Weight Lifting? with the words ?Burmese Intensity? results in a fitness program with an exotic-sounding name!

Eskimo Speed Running: This latest craze takes traditional running and gives it an ?arctic twist? by having you run outside in the winter. You want to increase your speed? Run in 20-degree weather in tights and you?ll get speed!

"Core Focus You" Aerobics: There?s nothing quite like the personal touch to specifically address your unique needs and goals. With its custom-tailored programs individually optimized for your own distinctive species, and only your species, Core Focus You makes sure you don?t have to make any compromises. (Homo sapien only available.)

Foreign-Sounding Exhalation: 35-minute fitness sessions will have you yelling out ?moborda-chu!? in unison with your classmates recreating the joyous atmosphere of the harvest celebration of the Chnitna tribe of Africa that, while not an actual tribe, is a realistic and faithful composite of other tribes that also don't exist.

Meat Packing Samurai: Classes are held in the meat-packing district where a combination of cutting implements, cattle cars from Omaha, and eight-hour classes gives you a workout you?ll never forget. (Union card required.)

Cowboy Cross-Training: In this combination of ranch chores and ladies dresses, you will find that? wait, did we say cross-training? Sorry, never mind.

Contraption-O-Cizer: Don?t have time to go to a health club or take classes? Try the Contraption-O-Cizer 1500 ZXT, combining the very latest in rubber bands, springs, pneumatics and advanced hydraulic systems it?s guaranteed to give you a workout you?ll never forget. Ever. Bush administration black-ops interrogators give it ?two thumbs up, way up.? (May not be in compliance with Geneva Convention.)

Joe Biden ?Super-Lung? Program: Ever wonder how Joe Biden can speak non-stop for 47 minutes without taking a breath? Well now you can too! Program consists of a three-hour video tape of Samuel Alito staring at you silently. You do the rest! (Order in the next 30 days and get complimentary Crest Whitestrips, SprayTan in a Can, and a handheld mirror.)

J.

planetmoron.typepad.com

I recomment the Forbes article for the "Stilleto Strength" picture:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10911287/


#2

This has to be a sign of the apocalypse when this kind of class is considered a fitness trend.

Stiletto Strength--What it is: Don't be fooled by the name--walking around in 4-inch heels is the way many women around the world tone their legs, now it just happens to be in a class. Stiletto Strength is the newest class offered at Crunch Fitness Gyms across the U.S. The first 30 minutes are spent strengthening the core area of the body and building posture using Pilates-like movement. The last 15 minutes are reserved for strapping on the high heels. Ladies strut around to pop music, swaying their hips and prancing like supermodels. Believe it or not, the class helps strengthen feet, thighs, knees, calves and ankles.

Over at the web site of the "gym" offering this is an extensive list other off the chart classes. You have read them to believe them: www.crunch.com.

Some of my favorites:
1. Cardio Striptease
2. Disco Yoga
3. Yoga Ride (A spin and yoga combo session that "gets your heart pumping and limbers you up all in one class.")
4. Laughing Lotus yoga
5. Dodge-Ball 101

There are so many more. It's quite the laugh.


#3

You should see some of the bullshit they are peddling here in hollywood, it's laughable.


#4

"meat packing samurai" Just sounds funny hahahaha


#5

My ex-girfriend did (I suppose does) the strip workout of Carmen Electra's. I am a big fan


#6

I bet you are, you naughty boy.


#7

Yes, those classes are hilarious but at least those women are having fun and participating in something.

Not saying that I'd recommend them to anyone and would not consider doing them myself, well, maybe the striptease one :wink:, but whatever it takes to get them off the couch and doing something physical. Some people just need gimmics and if it's working for them, so be it.


#8

I lack the suitable vocabulary to describe the thoughts that went through my head from reading this thread. Some near hits were: WTF?!?! and "IT's not THE end of the world, but it's right on the horizon"


#9

hehe


#10

OMFG, 101 didn't we all learn this in grade school? I've gotta be at the 4-500 level by now.

Although, I can see a gym owner wanting to school some of his members in a sport like dodgeball.


#11

Point taken, but you've got to admit there's a problem when your real workout, "Laughing Lotus Yoga" sounds a lot like a joke workout, "Foreign-Sounding Exhalation".