Famous Stewie: Family Guy Quotes
If you are an ardent follower of the famous TV show Family Guy, Stewie quotes are a must read. Blasphemous, yet funny. Read on.
Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Li: Stewie, come complete our rainbow.
Stewie: I’ve got a better idea. Let’s go play “swallow the stuff under the sink.”
Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Stewie: Oh I feel so delightfully white trash. Mommy, I want a mullet.
Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Janet: Hi. Cookie?
Stewie: Well, it’s Stewie, but… you can call me “cookie” if you like. Yes, I also answer to “Artemis,” “Agent Buckwald” and “Snake.” Yes, I rather like “Snake.” “Snake Griffin.”
Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Stewie: Yes, I rather like this God fellow. He’s very theatrical, you know, a pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence. Gotta get me some of that.
Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Stewie: [Picking up the phone.] Hello, operator. Hello… Oh god, that’s right you have to punch in the numbers nowadays. Uhhh, I should know this. Oh yes,
[dialing number]
Stewie: 867-5309, yes that’s it. Wait that’s not it, damn you Tommy Two-Tone. Huh, only one thing to do 111-1111, Lois? Damn. 111-1112 Lois? DAMN. 111-1113…
Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Stewie: You. Fetch me my copy of the Wall Street Journal. You two, fight to the death.
Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Stewie: Hmm, time for dessert. Let’s see - big chocolate cake for Stewie,
[holds up a leaf to Chris]
Stewie: and something very tasty for big, fat you.
Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Stewie: Come any closer and I’ll cut her.
[realizes he’s holding a tongue depresser]
Stewie: I’ll give her a series of splinters… that could become infected.
Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Stewie: [hitting on some co-eds] I must say, the most recent campus sporting event was quite spectacular.
Co-ed: Aw. Are you in a fraternity, little boy?
Stewie: Not yet, but I’m thinking of joining I Felta Thigh.
Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Stewie: Yay and God said to Abraham, “you will kill your son, Issak”, and Abraham said, I can’t hear you, you’ll have to speak into the microphone." “Oh I’m sorry, Is this better? Check, check, check… Jerry, pull the high end out, I’m still getting some hiss back here.”
Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: Damn you vile woman, you’ve impeded my work since the day I escaped your vile womb.
Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: The breakfast thing. Yes. It wasn’t even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I don’t… I have no problem… it’s just there’s always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it’s not so much I want to “kill” her. It’s just I want her not to be alive anymore. Uh… I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, “My God! Wouldn’t it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?”
Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: No sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.
Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: [To ticket agent] Now look here…
[looks at agent’s name tag]
Stewie: Jo-LENE. I have an army to raise and I must get to Managua at once. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. BUT NO PICKLES. OH, GOD HELP YOU IF I FIND PICKLES.
Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: [After Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli “airplane style”] Damn you, Damn the Broccoli, and Damn the Wright Brothers.
Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: Did you forge my name? How dare you! Is this backwards “S” supposed to be cute? I’m going to crap double for you tonight.
Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: Isn’t it funny how they say “life is like a box of chocolates”? Well in your case, dear mother, life is like a box of active grenades!
Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: OK, Harold, what do you think of our Mad Lib?
[clears throat]
Stewie: Cinderella had two step-‘watermelons’, who were very ‘smelly’ to her. So her fair god’toilet’ turned her pumkin into a big ‘fanny’, and dragged her off to the ‘poop’.
[short laugh]
Stewie: Oh, how ruthlessly absurd.
Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: Oh, forgive me for not being one of those anorexic babies from the diaper commercials.
Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: Ha ha. Oh, this is so good it just HAS to be fattening.
Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
[while Peter is changing Stewie]
Stewie: No, you idiot. That’s not baby powder, that’s paprika. Ahhhh! Take that.
Stewie Quotes - Family Guy
Waitress: Here you go, fella. From Flappy himself.
Stewie: I don’t care if they…
[Stewie is force-fed a bite of pancakes]
Stewie: Oh… oh these are delectable. Hey, Flappy. Good news. I’ve decided not to kill you.
Stewie Quotes - Family Guy
[watching a baseball game]
Stewie: Why does that man drop his club before he runs? I would bring it with me.
Stewie Quotes - Family Guy
[Stewie has run away and Brian discovers this note]
Stewie: Dear Stupid Dog, I’ve gone to live with the children on Jolly Farm. Good-bye forever, Stewie. P.S.- I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I’m probably over the 30-day return limit, but I’m sure if you make a fuss they’ll at least give you a store credit or something. It’s actually not a horrible sweater, it’s just I can’t imagine when I would ever wear it, you know? Oh and I also left a button on the bureau, um I’m not sure what it goes to but um I, I can never bring myself to throw a button away, I know as soon as I do, I’ll find the garment it goes to and then it’ll, wait a minute actually could it have been from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm. Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again good-bye forever. PPS- You know what, it might be a little chilly in London, I’m actually going to take the sweater.
Stewie Quotes - Family Guy
Stewie: This isn’t the first time my small stature has hindered my plans.
[flashback]
Auctioneer: Item 157… Global Domination. Enslave the human race. Do I have any bids?
Stewie: OOH. OOH. ME. ME.
Auctioneer: I’ll take any bids. $1. Enslave the human race for $1?
Stewie: BEHIND THE FAT CHICK. OOH. OOH.
Stewie Quotes - Family Guy
[during a smoking conference]
Stewie: Baby needs to suck ash. Baby needs to suck ash. Not ass, you pervert. Save it for the interns.
Stewie Quotes - Family Guy
Stewie: Jeffrey. Take the 4.20 from Hounslow out of your mouth.
Stewie Quotes - Family Guy
Stewie: Soooo Broccoli, mother says you’re very good for me. But I’m afraid I’m no good for you.
Stewie Quotes - Family Guy
Stewie: Cut my eggs.
Butler: [cuts eggs] Your eggs are cut sir.
Stewie: Cut my milk!
Butler: I can?t sir, it?s liquid.
Stewie: Imbecile! Freeze it, then cut it, and if you question me again I?ll put you on diaper detail and I promise I won?t make it easy for you