T Nation

Family Guy


While I think that Family Guy is the greatest comedy to come along since the Simpsons, its audience has me a little confused. There are several jokes per episode that are based on late 70's/80's pop culture, yet "younger people" LOVE the show!

I find it interesting that they can't get many of the big jokes (no disrespect) yet continue to love a show that seemingly alienates them. Either way, I'm not complaining.

Enough of the discussion, time for some quotes.

Guy on Airplane: "Oh great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby."
Stewie: "What did you just say?"
Lois: "Stewie, stop fussing."
Stewie: "Pipe down Lois." (Slaps guy on head) "Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can't hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, your my bitch."

Lois: I guarantee you a man made that commercial.
Peter: Of course a man made it. It's a commercial Lois, not a delicious thanksgiving dinner.



"Pawtucket Patriot beer. If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your yard."


I love that show! The 77 at the end of my name stands for the year I was born. I'm sure I miss some of the jokes.


Famous Stewie: Family Guy Quotes

If you are an ardent follower of the famous TV show Family Guy, Stewie quotes are a must read. Blasphemous, yet funny. Read on.

Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Li: Stewie, come complete our rainbow.
Stewie: I've got a better idea. Let's go play "swallow the stuff under the sink."

Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Stewie: Oh I feel so delightfully white trash. Mommy, I want a mullet.

Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Janet: Hi. Cookie?
Stewie: Well, it's Stewie, but... you can call me "cookie" if you like. Yes, I also answer to "Artemis," "Agent Buckwald" and "Snake." Yes, I rather like "Snake." "Snake Griffin."

Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Stewie: Yes, I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical, you know, a pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence. Gotta get me some of that.

Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Stewie: [Picking up the phone.] Hello, operator. Hello... Oh god, that's right you have to punch in the numbers nowadays. Uhhh, I should know this. Oh yes,
[dialing number]
Stewie: 867-5309, yes that's it. Wait that's not it, damn you Tommy Two-Tone. Huh, only one thing to do 111-1111, Lois? Damn. 111-1112 Lois? DAMN. 111-1113...

Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Stewie: You. Fetch me my copy of the Wall Street Journal. You two, fight to the death.

Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Stewie: Hmm, time for dessert. Let's see - big chocolate cake for Stewie,
[holds up a leaf to Chris]
Stewie: and something very tasty for big, fat you.

Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Stewie: Come any closer and I'll cut her.
[realizes he's holding a tongue depresser]
Stewie: I'll give her a series of splinters... that could become infected.

Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Stewie: [hitting on some co-eds] I must say, the most recent campus sporting event was quite spectacular.
Co-ed: Aw. Are you in a fraternity, little boy?
Stewie: Not yet, but I'm thinking of joining I Felta Thigh.

Family Guy - Stewie Quotes
Stewie: Yay and God said to Abraham, "you will kill your son, Issak", and Abraham said, I can't hear you, you'll have to speak into the microphone." "Oh I'm sorry, Is this better? Check, check, check... Jerry, pull the high end out, I'm still getting some hiss back here."

Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: Damn you vile woman, you've impeded my work since the day I escaped your vile womb.

Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: The breakfast thing. Yes. It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I don't... I have no problem... it's just there's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much I want to "kill" her. It's just I want her not to be alive anymore. Uh... I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, "My God! Wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?"

Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: No sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.

Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: [To ticket agent] Now look here...
[looks at agent's name tag]
Stewie: Jo-LENE. I have an army to raise and I must get to Managua at once. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. BUT NO PICKLES. OH, GOD HELP YOU IF I FIND PICKLES.

Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: [After Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli "airplane style"] Damn you, Damn the Broccoli, and Damn the Wright Brothers.

Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: Did you forge my name? How dare you! Is this backwards "S" supposed to be cute? I'm going to crap double for you tonight.

Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: Isn't it funny how they say "life is like a box of chocolates"? Well in your case, dear mother, life is like a box of active grenades!

Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: OK, Harold, what do you think of our Mad Lib?
[clears throat]
Stewie: Cinderella had two step-'watermelons', who were very 'smelly' to her. So her fair god'toilet' turned her pumkin into a big 'fanny', and dragged her off to the 'poop'.
[short laugh]
Stewie: Oh, how ruthlessly absurd.

Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: Oh, forgive me for not being one of those anorexic babies from the diaper commercials.

Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
Stewie: Ha ha. Oh, this is so good it just HAS to be fattening.

Family Guy Quotes - Stewie Griffin
[while Peter is changing Stewie]
Stewie: No, you idiot. That's not baby powder, that's paprika. Ahhhh! Take that.

Stewie Quotes - Family Guy
Waitress: Here you go, fella. From Flappy himself.
Stewie: I don't care if they...
[Stewie is force-fed a bite of pancakes]
Stewie: Oh... oh these are delectable. Hey, Flappy. Good news. I've decided not to kill you.

Stewie Quotes - Family Guy
[watching a baseball game]
Stewie: Why does that man drop his club before he runs? I would bring it with me.

Stewie Quotes - Family Guy
[Stewie has run away and Brian discovers this note]
Stewie: Dear Stupid Dog, I've gone to live with the children on Jolly Farm. Good-bye forever, Stewie. P.S.- I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the 30-day return limit, but I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. It's actually not a horrible sweater, it's just I can't imagine when I would ever wear it, you know? Oh and I also left a button on the bureau, um I'm not sure what it goes to but um I, I can never bring myself to throw a button away, I know as soon as I do, I'll find the garment it goes to and then it'll, wait a minute actually could it have been from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm. Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again good-bye forever. PPS- You know what, it might be a little chilly in London, I'm actually going to take the sweater.

Stewie Quotes - Family Guy
Stewie: This isn't the first time my small stature has hindered my plans.
Auctioneer: Item 157... Global Domination. Enslave the human race. Do I have any bids?
Stewie: OOH. OOH. ME. ME.
Auctioneer: I'll take any bids. $1. Enslave the human race for $1?

Stewie Quotes - Family Guy
[during a smoking conference]
Stewie: Baby needs to suck ash. Baby needs to suck ash. Not ass, you pervert. Save it for the interns.

Stewie Quotes - Family Guy
Stewie: Jeffrey. Take the 4.20 from Hounslow out of your mouth.

Stewie Quotes - Family Guy
Stewie: Soooo Broccoli, mother says you're very good for me. But I'm afraid I'm no good for you.

Stewie Quotes - Family Guy
Stewie: Cut my eggs.
Butler: [cuts eggs] Your eggs are cut sir.
Stewie: Cut my milk!
Butler: I can?t sir, it?s liquid.
Stewie: Imbecile! Freeze it, then cut it, and if you question me again I?ll put you on diaper detail and I promise I won?t make it easy for you


I'm 17, so I wasn't around during the 70s-80s (probably around the time seth macfarland was growing up), but i still get almost all of the jokes (I think) due to the fact that I'm the son of two babyboomers that are keen to remind me that all previous generations are superior to mine.

Not only that, I (and alot of my friends) have a profound fascination with pop culture from the 60s onward, so I do pick up a lot of the inside jokes that most other teens don't (you know, the ones that laugh their asses off when peter falls down some stairs trying to ride his makeshift waterslide, but don't get it when Stewie quotes Richard III).


I'd like to think I get most of the jokes. Although I definitely did not get the one last night where Chris was pulled into the milk rack by the sketched hand.


I also am a fan. I was born in '85, so I have to look up some of the jokes, (or ask my parents). One I didn't get the other night was:

Brian says "wait a minute", and chases a little tiny wagon that rolls by, which then dissapears into the cupboard?

I guess it used to be a dog food commerical?


2 above me
It was a video to the band Aha they had one hit that one
Yes it was a dog food commercial

Damn I'm old I get every single referance they make


Brian's talking to his shrink about his mom abandoning him:

"Hey, its her loss right? I turned out great . . . Huh? . . . Am I right? . . .Right? YEAH! Yeah you bet your ass I'm right! You wanna arm wrestle? Come on! Right now COME ON!"

Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah.

Peter: Well, I'm gettin' something really special too. And by special I don't mean special like that Kleinaman boy down the street. More special like... like Special K, the cereal. Hey, what do they do with the regular K? And for that matter, what ever happend to K. Ballard? You know, if you said mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like ballard.
Brian: Do you listen to yourself when you talk?
Peter: I drift in and out.

Peter: It's already done. I dropped them all off at Toys for Toddlers last night.
Brian: All? Peter, only only one gift was for charity, the rest were for the family.
Peter: No, the rest were from the family. Weren't they? (Pauses.) Oh crap...since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"?
Brian: They had a meeting about it last night.
Peter: Why wasn't I told?
Brian: They sent you a card, but it said "for Peter" on it so you must of thought it was from you, so you didn't...you know, its just easier to call you stupid.


Great. Now I am going to have to LIVE in this thread.

And I paraphrase...

Hey Brian... what ever happened to Gina Davis? You never see her in movies anymore. She's pretty enough, but you see too much gum when she smiles. Not a good tooth-to-gum ratio.

... it's just turned his life upside-down-face.



I died when Flint from GI Joe made an appearance on this season's premier. As a child of the 80's, GI Joe and Transformers played a HUGE role in my life. And they constantly make references to them (ala the scene transition from Peter to Quagmire in the Quagmire-Loretta Affair and when Optimus Prime showed up at the synagogue).

Furthermore, Adam West is freaking HILARIOUS on this show.

Mayor West:
Oh... I LOVE this song. Epsecially when it's sung by amatures. But I HATE baseball cards.

Mayor West:
...Not them, the rest of my Light Bright pieces. My name isn't "Adam We"; or is it? Who am I? What number did you call? Don't call here again. Guess I told him. Nobody messes with Adam We.


OK, sorry, one more then I'll let someone else talk... This whole passage killed me. And now, thanks to that site, I can try and memorize the list!

Peter: Everybody I've got bad news. We've been cancelled.

Lois: Oh no Peter! How could they do that?

Peter: Well unfortuantely Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We just gotta accept the fact that FOX has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That 80's Show, Wonder Falls, Fast Lane, Andy Richter Controls The Universe, Skin, Girl's Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, Freaky Links, Wanda At Large, Costello, The Lone Gunman, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddy, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric The Entertainer, The Tick, Louie, And Greg The Bunny....

Lois: Is there no hope?

Peter: Well I suppose if ALL those shows go down the tubes we might have a shot.


Yeah, it was Chuck Wagon. It'd have a little wagon that did that same thing in the commercial.

It was a spoof on a music video by Wham. A girl gets pulled into a drawn scene just like that, and falls for that guy or something like that. The song was Take Me On I think.

Family Guy rocks like no other show. I just got a T-shirt for my B-day today. It's got Stewie's face on the front and "KILL BROCCOLI!" right above it. Frickin' sweet.


that's the same w/most everything though eh ? i mean watching tom and jerry or looney toons today i realize there's like a million jokes in there that i never got as a kid. in fact i don't think i got any of the jokes when i was a kid !

any way i saw seth mcfarlane on a show last night and he said that now "post janet jackson" they have to blur out cartoon nudity !!! as in we'll never see homer simpson's bare ass again ! also he wanted to do a bit on the family guy when peter goes for the world nickle eating record and the censors cut a scene where he sits on the can and it sounds like a slot machine paying out !!

frickn hyper-puritanical fcc man!! they're frickn taking over !! i want homer's ass back !!!


I laughed my whole ass off at that one, it was great!


I love Family Guy! I don't know-I'm sure some things go over my head. But I think I get a lot of the old jokes despite being a baby in the early 80s and a gleam in my Dad's eye in the 70s.


I'm sorry to day that I'm old enough to get all the jokes. Being from Massachusetts, I also get the "local" jokes such as "Buddy Cianci Junior High" and the time they trekked to the "Twinkie Factory in Natick Massachusetts" after a nuclear holocaust. Good stuff.


Take On Me, by Ah-ha. It was very unique for it's time.


Brian, holding out a drinking glass: Hit me. (Clown with seltzer bottle pours seltzer)

Brian: Now if I can find a midget with some gin.


Peter: Mets suck Jets suck Yankees suck
Lois then procedes to beat the shit out of each guy in the bar
short pause
Peter Krypton sucks
the kryptonian villians from Superman float over

Any superhero reference on that show makes me laugh