T Nation

Family Ever Bug You?

Well I’ll be up front about it; my parents have seen me go through some happy times and some times when I was seemingly I guess a bit angry. I suppose you could say I have gotten a bit more aggressive than I used to be since I started lifting, but nothing dangerous or bad at all (most can attest i’m 100% harmless and very nice). It’s mostly in the form of wanting to go “get it” type attitude and such, but then other times when I’m tired I’ll sort of mellow down and not care to talk as much.

However, as much as I love my parents, I’m in college and still around them all the time, living with them when not in the school semesters, and to be honest, I have nothing to say to them and I don’t really like talking to them all the time like they do to me. Out of nowhere today my dad sends me this e-mail about a prescription drug for bi-polar disorder. I thought it was absolutely absurd, since he thinks that if I don’t fit into his boring genre of what I’m supposed to be, something is wrong with me.

Basically they have seen the side of me that I only put on with them because quite frankly I have nothing to say to them every day I see them or talk to them, and all they do is hound me with questions. Of course I get upset and angry seeming in this situation, but everywhere else I’m happy and positive.

I don’t wana let this bother me because I always believe anytime someone gets defensive about something it’s because the truth is they really do have the problem, but I just can’t help to feel that this bugs me that they always think things like this about me, and it’s annoying. Does anyone else have family members like this? I think they think I’m some steroid using person who has anger problems or something, when that is most certainly not the case at all.

Dude, from all your posts in the past I have seen that you are a bitter person. It comes out in your posts, which is just type, so I can imagine that your persona is a bit more bitter and condescending. You seem to have this “above others” air about you that is obviously not contained to this site. You may really need to look at yourself and take stock of just who you really are. People don’t suggest things like meds out of the blue on a whim. You have shown more than enough evidence to warrant that. I don’t care what you do, how determined you are, you need to take time and assess your life where you are at this moment. Family doesn’t suggest such steps unless they see the need.

You need to do some soul-searching boy.

I don’t know if you need drugs but you do seem a bit disjointed.

Most kids your age are dull and boring and don’t have anything to say that an adult would be interested in. Your father seems to have your best interest at heart. Perhaps he has pity for you and doesn’t want you to turn into more of an insufferable bore.

You should consider the alternative that your folks don’t really like the way you act and would welcome you seeking alternative living arrangements.

Parents always have opinions about their children. That opinion has even more weight when you live under their roof and are expected to contribute something to the household such as good manners, politness and completing your studies.

I have to be straight with you. Kids don’t get to display anger or rage towards parents in our home. They might get away with it once but it is not ever going to become commonplace.

yeah, it’s likely a combo of a few things. Firstly if you feel like your parents don’t know you then welcome to real life. Most people have a hard time with their parents knowing who they ‘really’ are. It’s life.

Secondly, you may or may not need to just chill the hell out for a bit and travel or something. Take some yoga or meditation classes and get calmer. If your only coping mechanism is anger then you need to find another one. Training should relax you.

I haven’t read you other posts so i don’t really have a scope of it all but find something that relaxs you and you won’t care what your parents ask you. just answer their questions and eventually they will stop asking them. What kind of questions are these anyways? yeah maybe just move out if poss.


Don’t worry. When I was your age (late teens/early 20s) it was the same thing.
It really sucks to live with your parents at that age.

There’s only one solution : MOVE OUT !

The longer you wait,the worse it gets. So move out.

[quote]lifter85 wrote:
I think they think I’m some steroid using person who has anger problems or something, when that is most certainly not the case at all.[/quote]

Follow this very closely- It is very dangerous to develope an opinion based on what you think someone else thinks.

There is way too much room for error due to differences of perception.

Best solution- Communticate. Speak honestly and openly with them. Listen honestly and openly to what they have to say.

Sure, it sounds easy, but give it a shot.

I am 20 years old, in college and still living at home. I used to have little anger spurts, something that bothered my parents. I then read an enlightening Atomic Dog article: http://www.T-Nation.com/readArticle.do?id=461342&cr=features

Titled: Who Gives A Shit.

What I got out of that article is the fact that the less I give a shit about the less I have to be angry/stressed out about. I still care for my loved ones, working out, school, etc. But I stopped caring about people’s opinions about me.

Maybe this is not your situation as you did not give much detailed information, but try reading that article and breath a little extra during the day. Too many people are on antidepressants/bipolar meds than need be.

Always communicate with your parents, regardless of if you have something to say. I live 800 miles away from my mom, and I still call her everyday and see how she is doing, even if I have absolutely nothing to say.

Parents are there to help you out, give you advice, guide you in the right direction, etc. Take advantage of these times before they are gone. Always keep the lines of communication open.

You might think they are bugging you, but honestly, they do it because they love you and care for you and want to do what’s best for you. It’s better that they ask questions and talk to you than not talk to you at all.

Along with reading TC’s “Who gives a shit?” column… I’d suggest picking up his book, too. Its full of columns just like it that will probably help you figure some shit out.

To echo others, communicate with your parents. About a week ago I told my mom that I wanted to drop out of college to pursue my dream that is pretty much what no 19 year old wants to do. Lo and behold, it hit her like a brick- but only because I suck at communicating with her. I suck at communicating with almost everyone I know.

But when I told my mom what I wanted to do, she accepted it pretty well because, well, thats what I wanted to do and I wasnt going to live my life by doing what was expected of me. (Another thing I learned from TC’s book…) And telling her and following through on it felt pretty damn good.

Talk to your parents about who you are. Or, at least who you are for now. Hell, tell them in bits and pieces and they’ll get the idea sooner or later.

Keep in mind, your parents do have your best interest in mind. On the other hand, TC has said keep in company with those who support you for who you are- unfortunately, this may not be your parents, but they still are your parents.

Good luck with everything.

A few things:

1- Don’t be an asshole. Your parents ask questions because they are worried about you.

2- The more time you spend away from home, like in college, or the military, or whatever, the more time you have to grow into your own person. Your parents have known you your whole life, so accepting that change can be difficult for them.

3- As an adolescent male, it is natural for you to chaffe at your parents authority. You’re supposed to be out of the nest, carving out your own territory, hunting for mates etc. Some people can live at home well into adulthood without much conflict, but people have different personality types, some of which fit together better than others. Yours doesn’t fit with your parents, so you need to get out.

They probably “hound you with questions” as you say because you are closed up to them. They are your parents man! They want to know what you are doing in your life, especially in a time when you are becoming an adult.

If you don’t want them to bother you, move out. I doubt you pay rent, help with bills, or contribute financially in anyway, so the least you can do is be civil. They would probably tell you to get the fuck out you weren’t their son and didn’t love you. They are trying to reach out to you, give them something to hang on to.

Lifter85, your parents have known you for a LONG time. Even if they’re ignorant about some things, like your lifestyle, what will never change is their care and their ability to know that something is wrong with you, whether or not you communicate it with them. Look past what they say and do on the surface and try to put yourself in their shoes, eh?

There are two things to consider here: your parents and yourself.

I know where you’re coming from:
I’m 20 and go to college out of state, and I’m in a very similar situation to yours. I have nothing to say to my parents when I’m here and they bug the hell out of me a lot of the time with their questions. It’s impossible to relate to them anymore. I’m one way when I’m home but different (and more affable) out. They had my brother see a psychiatrist over the summer because they thought he had issues but really I think it’s because they don’t know us at all. Our home isn’t the most functional in the world, and there is a terrible lack of communication.
But I NEVER let things get nasty, as much as I can’t deal with their crap sometimes. Truth is, they care about you more than they don’t. And like it or not, you need them and they need you. In other words, keep the big picture in mind and don’t let details ruin things.

First start by asking yourself when you started feeling this way. Then ask yourself why. Take an honest gut check. Keep in mind two key points, respect and communication. ALWAYS show respect to them, even if it kills you. DON’T piss them off. Second, attempt to discuss things with them once you’ve thoroughly thought things through. Has your behavior changed recently, or theirs? Maybe it’s neither, and you’re just coming to the realization that they do a lot of things that you disagree with or that bug you that you may not have seen before, possibly because you weren’t mature enough to notice.

These kinds of things are usually pretty complicated, so your frustration may have a multifaceted origin and it’s usually not just a “me or them” kind of thing. My family has a lot of problems and I finally mustered up the balls to go talk to a counselor at my university about it. It helps you get things in perspective.

I’m not saying your situation is as severe as mine and I’m pretty sure it’s not. Just be honest with yourself if it is and go talk to a professional about it if you feel that there’s even the slightest chance it could help (DON’T fool yourself). Most college counselors are free and certified social workers or psychologists. And try to keep the lines of communication open with your parents. Discuss all this if you can. You don’t want things to get unpleasant.

Again, try to keep the big picture in mind and remember that your parents are out for your best interest, whether or not you think so. If it really bothers you to be around them, then avoid them for the time being lest it provoke you to do something disrespectful/hurtful.
Good luck working it out.

Part of becoming an adult is the realization that your parents are people, too, with feelings, flaws, fears and doubts. They were once where you are now, and probably said the same things about their own parents. Anyone who’s come full circle around an experience always has a story to tell. Maybe your dad is trying to suggest something with his bipolar email. Why don’t you just ask him about it?(without starting a juvenile argument by being all defensive and shit.) He’s doing this because he’s concerned and he loves you.

Be honest and communicate. Listen to their advice, but make your own choices.

Be prepared to accept the consequences of whatever decision you make. Be a man about it.

Parents show their love in different ways. Don’t blame them for not understanding you, blame yourself for a lack of understanding them.

Life is what you alone make it. If you can’t change the facts, then change your attitude.

And move out of the house so your parents can finally have some fun, why don’t ya??