T Nation

Evil Tricks Parents Play

To get the ball rolling…

The other day a friend (honestly, it wasn’t me!) told me that when he was but a wee lad his parents convinced him that whenever he heard an ice-cream truck play music that meant the truck was empty and was returning to the factory.

At the tender age of four my parents tried to feed me silver beet. I refused to eat it. Then dad convinced my it was green chicken and I ate it with gusto.

Another friend confessed that his father had convinced him that the cooling towers at a nearby power station were the outlets of the local ‘Cloud Factory’.

So what other stories are out there?

When I was around 3 or 4, I was out with my mom and the car broke down. At that age I was afraid we would never get home. So later my mom used my own fear against me.

I was a picky eater and took forever to finish a meal. She had some errands to run one day and I was taking forever to eat my lunch.
My mom said, "Clink, if you don’t finish your lunch, the car might break down."
I wolfed down my lunch.

I actually held on to that ridiculous association for a couple of years!

When I was going on a trip with my mom, my dad told me that the engines on the plane were there to catch and grind up birds for the airplane food.
Later my dad got an angry call from my mom; I had started crying and refused to eat when they served the food.

My dad used to play tricks on my more gullible friends.

Convinced one that he needed to rotate the air in his tires with fresh air.

Talked another one that was particularly frugal into stopping at every couple of exits to put in just a few gallons of gas so he wouldn’t be hauling all that weight around affecting his gas mileage.

He told me a story of when he was a kid in rural northern michigan about his grandpa turning a dried bulls dick into a cane. One of the neighbor kids came over and my dad convinced him it was sugarcane and you had to suck on it to get the sugar out.

I had a scout leader who tried to convince a couple of the boys that oil in the earth lubricated the earth’s ‘axle.’ If we continue drilling for oil, soon the earth will run out of lubrication and grind to a halt. When that happens, inertia will cause buildings to fall over sideways. To prepare for this, people should put extra boards on the east side of their houses to reinforce them so they don’t fall down when the earth stops spinning.

When my friend was five or six, his older sister dropped or did something to where he lost three teeth and then had to wear a mouth guard at night. He refused to do this. So his parents told him the tooth fairy liked his teeth, so much so she was coming back to yank the rest of them out because she knew they were already loose. And the only way to keep her from doing this was to wear the mouth guard until they set.

He has a daughter now who I met when I was also visiting his parents, and during this time she lost a tooth. He just threw it away, and his parents asked “Don’t you want her to leave it under the pillow for the tooth fairy?”

Him: Fuck the tooth fairy!

[quote]Silyak wrote:
I had a scout leader who tried to convince a couple of the boys that oil in the earth lubricated the earth’s ‘axle.’ If we continue drilling for oil, soon the earth will run out of lubrication and grind to a halt. When that happens, inertia will cause buildings to fall over sideways. To prepare for this, people should put extra boards on the east side of their houses to reinforce them so they don’t fall down when the earth stops spinning. [/quote]

Scout leaders are the worst about this type of thing haha

[quote]Fletch1986 wrote:

[quote]Silyak wrote:
I had a scout leader who tried to convince a couple of the boys that oil in the earth lubricated the earth’s ‘axle.’ If we continue drilling for oil, soon the earth will run out of lubrication and grind to a halt. When that happens, inertia will cause buildings to fall over sideways. To prepare for this, people should put extra boards on the east side of their houses to reinforce them so they don’t fall down when the earth stops spinning. [/quote]

Scout leaders are the worst about this type of thing haha[/quote]

I had a boy scout leader who was the biggest specimen of what I call “the granola people” you could ever imagine.

Granola people = skinny fat, tree-hugging, pot smoking, unshaven, unwashed, children of Woodstock, Birkenstock wearing, eco Nazis who think a Buddhist Monk must pray upon all things before we eat them.

Anyway, we went on a trip to Joshua Tree where we would going to do some rock climbing. He insisted we bag our bodily waste, we were to piss and shit in ziplock bags and carry it out, since doing it in mother nature “would be harmful to the planet.”

He freaked out to holy hell, when he walked behind a huge boulder, only to find my dad taking a shit in a hole he dug LOL.

This wasn’t my parents doing, but my own.
When I found out we had a “voice box”, for some reason I figured it must have a word reservoir, so as a child I didn’t talk very much because I didn’t want to “run out of words” as a child and not be able to talk as an adult. I actually developed a speech impediment and had to see a speech therapist for a bit to get it corrected.
Where’s my gold medal?

we weren’t extremely poor, but had some rough patches here and there. So, my mom used to mix powdered coffee mate with water and told me it was milk.

my mom used to tell me that switching price tags was ok, like gi joes and star war figures… that set a bad streak in me for a while…

A certain relative of mine was a terrible racist.

She told me that people that the soul turned normal people’s eyes brown and people whose eyes were blue had blue eyes because they had no soul in them. My biological father had blue eyes. Well, when I was bad she would tell me that she could see my “brown eyes turning blue” because my soul was leaving. I would rush to the bathroom and check, completely panicked.

Being an equal-opportunity racist, she also told me that black people were black because they had been burnt in the fires of Hell. I never saw a black person until I was probably 9-10 (grew up on the Reservation). One of the BLM guys was black. I saw him at Wal-Mart and starting screaming. Oddly enough, my mother is 1/32 black, according to our family tree.

She told me Jews could turn into rats and bats. This scared me because her boss was Jewish, and I hung out at the office after school and saw him all the time and liked him. One day I asked him if he really could turn into a rat or a bat. He looked me straight in the eye and said “yes,” then went back to doing his work.

I literally have hundreds of these.

[quote]thethirdruffian wrote:
A certain relative of mine was a terrible racist.

She told me that people that the soul turned normal people’s eyes brown and people whose eyes were blue had blue eyes because they had no soul in them. My biological father had blue eyes. Well, when I was bad she would tell me that she could see my “brown eyes turning blue” because my soul was leaving. I would rush to the bathroom and check, completely panicked.
[/quote]


Makes this song a lot darker.

My parents told me that Santa Claus liked beer and hot dogs.

[quote]MaximusB wrote:

[quote]Fletch1986 wrote:

[quote]Silyak wrote:
I had a scout leader who tried to convince a couple of the boys that oil in the earth lubricated the earth’s ‘axle.’ If we continue drilling for oil, soon the earth will run out of lubrication and grind to a halt. When that happens, inertia will cause buildings to fall over sideways. To prepare for this, people should put extra boards on the east side of their houses to reinforce them so they don’t fall down when the earth stops spinning. [/quote]

Scout leaders are the worst about this type of thing haha[/quote]

I had a boy scout leader who was the biggest specimen of what I call “the granola people” you could ever imagine.

Granola people = skinny fat, tree-hugging, pot smoking, unshaven, unwashed, children of Woodstock, Birkenstock wearing, eco Nazis who think a Buddhist Monk must pray upon all things before we eat them.

Anyway, we went on a trip to Joshua Tree where we would going to do some rock climbing. He insisted we bag our bodily waste, we were to piss and shit in ziplock bags and carry it out, since doing it in mother nature “would be harmful to the planet.”

He freaked out to holy hell, when he walked behind a huge boulder, only to find my dad taking a shit in a hole he dug LOL.
[/quote]

I knew one too! He had a special reusable poop tube. But instead of taking pee out he Pee’d and encouraged peeing on invasive plant species.

[quote]twojarslave wrote:
My parents told me that Santa Claus liked beer and hot dogs.[/quote]

Well, looking at the pictures of him…

Being able to run fast was something I took great pride in when I was about 6 years old. My mum told me I was going to go in for a little “procedure” that’d make me run even faster! Run faster you say?! I was ecstatic!
The procedure was circumsicion.

Its still awkward when I meet the doctor with her around town and she goes “this is the doctor who did your…ahem” while making a scissoring motion with her hand.

I asked my mum how planes work and she told me God has a long invisible string he uses to lower or raise the planes depending on where they are in their journey. This made perfect sense and I went ahead to repeat this info with authority to anyone who’d listen.

I watched a lot of cartoons and saw Santa come in through the chimney, however where we lived at the time had none,but I always found presents under the tree come Christmas morning. When I asked my mum how this was possible, she said that Santa has a giant key that can open any door. Made sense. I was content.

I remember watching a show with my mum and one of the characters spoke of kicking another in his balls. Puzzled I asked my mum “balls? What does she mean? I can’t see any…?” She shrugged and said she probably meant footballs and basketballs.

I believed in the tooth fairy until I caught my mum swapping my sisters tooth IN THE MORNING. My sister came down in the morning asking why her tooth hadn’t turned into $$$. Apparently my mum forgot to do it the night prior and so she duped my sister into staying downstairs while she ran up and swapped the tooth with a chocolate bar. (imagine! Not even cash! Maybe she didn’t have change, IDK) She started to walk away, paused, turned back, pulled out the chocolate bar and took a HUGE bite out of it. Folded the wrapper over it and slipped it back under the pillow. This whole time I was hiding watching. In horrified disbelief. She then went back down and asked my sister increduously how she had missed what the tooth fairy had left her. When my sister asked why some was missing, my mum said the tooth fairy took a bite.

I had a somewhat annoying habit of whistling at night when I was younger, I’d always do it at night when people were trying to chill after a long day. My mum, grandmum and the househelp found a way.to stop me. They told me whistling at night attracts ghosts, much the same way it attracts dogs.
I never whistled at night again until I was almost 13.

[quote]lumbahjack wrote:
I had a somewhat annoying habit of whistling at night when I was younger, I’d always do it at night when people were trying to chill after a long day. My mum, grandmum and the househelp found a way.to stop me. They told me whistling at night attracts ghosts, much the same way it attracts dogs.
I never whistled at night again until I was almost 13.[/quote]

My grandmother told me the same thing when I was a child.

Turns out whistling after sundown attracting ghosts, demons, or bad luck is a very old superstition that crosses multiple cultures.

My Dad used to point at the mailman and tell me that my real father was coming to visit again. I actually had some confusion about this for a year or two.