T Nation

Enter Planet Cybertron


Here’s my after picture for the thingy. I don’t really see much of a difference. Which I’m cool with. For now I guess.


Looking good! Nice work👍


Meh. I’m rather chunky still.

But thanks for the kind words.

I’m going to have to bite the bullet and be okay with my numbers dropping for a bit to get back to the high 170s low 180s.


So the last month or so, or however long I haven’t been logging here, I’ve been extremely bothered.

This last T-ranformation thing made me unbelievably anxious and borderline obsessive about my appearance. Not blaming anyone, since I volunteered to join, and did my best.

But once again all I can do is beat up on myself again.

And I’m constantly flooded by videos and pictures of women who are either shredded to the gills, or 2x stronger than I am. The ambitious part of myself says I can be up there with the big girls. As there’s practically nothing standing in my way except for myself. I mean with a legit strength cycle, regardless of what it is, I can easily be back to 380-400 concerning my squat and above 350-360 for my deadlift, and something just shy of 225 for my bench. But those numbers seem extremely minuscule now that I look at them.

What good is being strong if I wince in the mirror every time I see myself. My numbers go to shit even if I decide to drop 5 pounds. I do understand that’s just what happens when cutting, but it nonetheless bothers me.

I’ve contemplated running my first cycle. Like a lot. As those number I see the top female powerlifters sporting, seem very attainable or in that range. Since I’m maybe 100-150 pounds away. Running a cycle for however long I wish, wouldn’t be difficult, since I’m willing to do whatever research necessary and ease into stuff. But me being only 5 feet I’m going to look huge with all that weight compacted into my small frame. Part of me is in love with that thought, the other half is well aware that I’ll once again, become extremely self conscious. Not that I’m not that already. I also don’t think it’s necessary at the moment since I’m only 23, and I’m a female. Those two factors give me enough reason not to. Maybe if I was a guy I’d hold off and try years later.

Then there’s the typical Instagram looking chicks who even on their bad days, look unnaturally flawless. All the time, every single day. And that sparkly prettiness, really gets to me, and I can say I don’t care all day long, but eventually, shit like that gets to almost anyone, if it seeps in deep enough. Not that I’m constantly grazing across photos of people on social media, but it’s everywhere. Labels on products, commercials, music videos, etc. I can’t really not see it while being a regular consumer of whatever it is.

This is the last thing I wish to complain about, but it’s something that really matters to me, and from my point of view all I’m seeing is a giant “Not good enough”.

My family has been asking me what’s wrong, and I just saying nothing, because I don’t think they fully understand. And every time The figure out that I’m frustrated about my appearance or performance, they get nervous because they think I’ll slip back into my old habits. Which I don’t think I will, but it is something that I’m well aware can become an issue again if I let it. Which is why I don’t dwell on it for too long. My husband does, but he’s got enough worries of his own. Last night I just wanted to throw in the towel, and forget about all of this. But obviously I feel too strongly about this, to just give up, because this is something I want too much to describe.

In spite of this, I still get up, train, and do it again. But I still get teary-eyed and angry because my aspirations seem impossible, or at the least…very far away.

But then I see everything I’ve already accomplished, and get angry even more for feeling this way in the first place.


Not even on your worst days.

Filters, photoshop and what ever else.

I was like this when I first joined IG. I stopped following BBers and just stuck to the PLers as IG is my source of motivation mostly and BBers get me caught up worrying about looks over performance. Even then though it made me feel like I dont even lift seeing everybody’s high lights and these young kids half my weight repping my maxes.

In the end I had to just let go and realize I am what I am and I will be what ever I can be and that will never be anything but me.

Like steroids? Open up to your hubby. My wife gets ideas like this (usually with implants) and what she really wants is assurance that she is awesome and super hot. Your hubby will do the same. If he fails then use his card to buy a new pair of shoes or to replace some lost gym gear :smiley:

She has also requested roids and it is the same case that she just wants that assurance but if she would commit to goals (first) I would completely green light a cycle for her (second)…as ironic as that is. The reason for that is I know that if she did everything she could do to achieve her goals she would not need or want the steroids. Plus, I think she would super hate me if her voice got deep or she grew body hair LOL.

I think even as lofty as your goals are and as far as you have come you have a lot more progress you can achieve naturally.

You may not want to hear this but I think you need to fully commit to a goal and see it through. You cut for a bit and lose some strength and panic. Or start a program and switch. Add that to life stress getting in the way of nutrition and sleep. Some of that is unavoidable and some is very avoidable.

Lastly, if eventually you do go the roid route make sure to speak with FEMALES (more than 1) who have gone that route and made mistakes that you want to avoid. It is also highly preferable they are not selling anything, even a program.

THIS is how you should feel, and remember that enough times until you realize this is a journey and the reps are way more fun than the results.

Throw it in. Give up on social media and ignore the commercials you can. Don’t give up on your goals but give up on the media. If you are doing it for you then that will only make you feel better.


I’d like to say something helpful and reassuring that offers an immediate solution, except I’m not sure there is one.

Bottom line is, there’s nothing in the slightest wrong with you. Ask your husband, he’ll tell you.

With what you want to achieve, well, that’s kind of different. I’ve always told you I’m confident you can achieve a LOT in powerlifting if you put your mind to it. The question is, might what you need to do that be something that would fuck with your mental state too much? Remember, you aren’t your total. The total is only a measure of your worth as a powerlifter.

I agree with @BOTSLAYER in one aspect: ditch the social media. If it doesn’t help you gain confidence, it probably doesn’t have a role in your life. Not sure about the PEDs. You certainly don’t need them. What you need is time under the bar. Hell, reach out to any one of the lifters you mentioned and flat out ask them how long it took to get where they are. You’ll probably find it took them a pretty long time.

Bottom line is, this isn’t something that’s putting food on your table or keeping a roof over your head. If to boot it’s having a seriously negative impact on your life, maybe it doesn’t have a place right now.

With powerlifting, it boils down to the total and what you need to do to get that. But remember, you haven’t competed yet, so to that extent it’s all an unknown quantity. If you want, take some time to get into the shape you want. You’re not that far off. So your numbers drop. Big deal! Numbers in the gym don’t mean shit. When you’re OK with the mirror, pick a meet. Peak for it and set a baseline (which, BTW, will be decent in the 165s or 181s which is where you’ll probably be sitting by then). Then it’s just a matter of adding a few pounds to every lift a couple of times a year.

Hang in there.


You vented to the right people here, because we are who will understand!

You are incredibly strong! Give yourself credit for this! How long have you been lifting? I didn’t realize you were only 23!! I can say things get BETTER with age when you lift.

Even if you have been already been lifting for 5 years, your body WILL mature and your muscles and CNS driving them will too. The pieces will fall together and as women it tends to take much much longer, but it WILL happen. I can tell you the older you get especially as a woman, the better you will feel about yourself, and if you’re lifting its that much more. You will feel better !

I completely understand the negative self talk, boy do I ever. Everything has a price …sometimes being more aesthetically appealing to yourself will mean lower strength levels, as women it often is something that is really hard to have a foot in each. It just is.

People who’s opinions matter --and I think only lifters who are as serious as yourself fall into this as they are the only ones who can judge you with a complete level of understanding- already know this! And will not judge you based on your appearance, or even you numbers.

We all hold such high personal standards, hard work on something completely voluntary that you are not getting paid for, disciple and working to improve yourself - whatever that shape will end up being- is all that matters.

Saying that is easy I know as an outsider looking in, but I gotta wave a planetcybertron banner so she knows she’s already impressive as HELL!


Isnt your squat pr like 385?

World record squat set twice at 402 and 419 in no idea the weight class.

She also just set the bench record at 203lbs.


… I love you guys.

I’m not crying. You’re crying. Lol.

But I thanks guys. I really do appreciate taking time out of your day to help, and giving me advice.

  1. Hope you feel better gradually and get to a better place mentally. Keep fighting.

  2. Make sure your hobby brings you joy, not extra stress and pain. That’s like the whole point of a hobby. Amateur golfers shouldn’t stress if they aren’t on tour. Tennis club members aren’t the Williams sisters. Likewise don’t let the elite in your hobby bring you down. Have fun.


I don’t have much to say because i have little life experience and im 16, but you’re going places and you can achieve what you want to achieve. You’re literally strong as **** and you’re only going to get awesomer over time. Keep your head up.


Won’t add any advice as there is already some great responses on here. Just wanted to say that you are not alone. This place is full of people who aren’t happy with what they are and constantly compare themselves to others. In some way we all understand a bit of how you feel and were all here for a hug whenever you need one.


It is hard to have contradicting goal and feeling. Trust yourself. When I was competing a lot my goal did not leave much room for anything else.

If you really want it go for it but make sure to remember your goal when things get rough.


This. When something becomes important enough to you, you will do what is necessary to achieve it without much hesitation (first time I saw that I think it was Charles Poliquin). If something simply feels off about what you need to do and doing it is causing you ongoing problems mentally/emotionally, IMO that’s a sign you’re not ready.

I don’t mean you should be jumping for joy about everything you need to do; but there should always be the feeling of however suckful something is, it’s worth it because it pushes you that bit further towards where you want to be.


Hey Cyber tough one.

Lots have been said, I’m kind of the older dude at 54, so some words of wisdom should come out of my mouth.

@donnerschweer said it: if you really want it go for it.

I did bicycle races, started to late but ended up doing a couple of races with the elite, not pro ranks though they came and raced sometimes.
I sat on that damn bike every day, I raced one or two races almost every weekend. When my wife got pregnant (that’s 21 years ago) we planned the wedding. It had to be the week before nationals because that was the only weekend with no races.
The whole thing took me about 5 years of dedication.

Bottom line Cyber, you could go several ways here. Whichever you choose is up to you. Two ways stands out:

If you want to look like the IG chicks then that’s the way you go
If you want to do PL then do it.

BUT when you decide what to do, tell your Hubby, HE HAVE to support you. He must know why you do what you do. You are a couple and you can’t do it in secret.

Then when you have made the decision, get your head down and don’t look back.
I would love to see you smash that WR squat someday. But it takes dedication and willpower. (well less than a WR would do, you going to a meet and doing great would do)
I would love to see you stand out as an IG chick too… But it takes dedication and willpower as well.

It’s your choice whichever you choose, the TN friends will be here for support and cheers.
Even if you choose to stay where you are, getting som quality workouts in, not having a real goal other than staying strongish and healthy, trying to become an IG girl one day and a PL another. (have you thought about strongman or woman it would be)



Turtles! :turtle: :smiley:


“Life ain’t a track meet; it’s a marathon”
-Ice Cube :+1:


Can I ask why you said turtles? I like turtles no doubt, but why turtles? Lol


I was replying to the photos you took on your walk. The one had a bunch of turtles on the logs in the water. :smiley: