T Nation

Enter Planet Cybertron


… I love you guys.

I’m not crying. You’re crying. Lol.

But I thanks guys. I really do appreciate taking time out of your day to help, and giving me advice.

  1. Hope you feel better gradually and get to a better place mentally. Keep fighting.

  2. Make sure your hobby brings you joy, not extra stress and pain. That’s like the whole point of a hobby. Amateur golfers shouldn’t stress if they aren’t on tour. Tennis club members aren’t the Williams sisters. Likewise don’t let the elite in your hobby bring you down. Have fun.


I don’t have much to say because i have little life experience and im 16, but you’re going places and you can achieve what you want to achieve. You’re literally strong as **** and you’re only going to get awesomer over time. Keep your head up.


Won’t add any advice as there is already some great responses on here. Just wanted to say that you are not alone. This place is full of people who aren’t happy with what they are and constantly compare themselves to others. In some way we all understand a bit of how you feel and were all here for a hug whenever you need one.


It is hard to have contradicting goal and feeling. Trust yourself. When I was competing a lot my goal did not leave much room for anything else.

If you really want it go for it but make sure to remember your goal when things get rough.


This. When something becomes important enough to you, you will do what is necessary to achieve it without much hesitation (first time I saw that I think it was Charles Poliquin). If something simply feels off about what you need to do and doing it is causing you ongoing problems mentally/emotionally, IMO that’s a sign you’re not ready.

I don’t mean you should be jumping for joy about everything you need to do; but there should always be the feeling of however suckful something is, it’s worth it because it pushes you that bit further towards where you want to be.


Hey Cyber tough one.

Lots have been said, I’m kind of the older dude at 54, so some words of wisdom should come out of my mouth.

@donnerschweer said it: if you really want it go for it.

I did bicycle races, started to late but ended up doing a couple of races with the elite, not pro ranks though they came and raced sometimes.
I sat on that damn bike every day, I raced one or two races almost every weekend. When my wife got pregnant (that’s 21 years ago) we planned the wedding. It had to be the week before nationals because that was the only weekend with no races.
The whole thing took me about 5 years of dedication.

Bottom line Cyber, you could go several ways here. Whichever you choose is up to you. Two ways stands out:

If you want to look like the IG chicks then that’s the way you go
If you want to do PL then do it.

BUT when you decide what to do, tell your Hubby, HE HAVE to support you. He must know why you do what you do. You are a couple and you can’t do it in secret.

Then when you have made the decision, get your head down and don’t look back.
I would love to see you smash that WR squat someday. But it takes dedication and willpower. (well less than a WR would do, you going to a meet and doing great would do)
I would love to see you stand out as an IG chick too… But it takes dedication and willpower as well.

It’s your choice whichever you choose, the TN friends will be here for support and cheers.
Even if you choose to stay where you are, getting som quality workouts in, not having a real goal other than staying strongish and healthy, trying to become an IG girl one day and a PL another. (have you thought about strongman or woman it would be)



Turtles! :turtle: :smiley:


“Life ain’t a track meet; it’s a marathon”
-Ice Cube :+1:


Can I ask why you said turtles? I like turtles no doubt, but why turtles? Lol


I was replying to the photos you took on your walk. The one had a bunch of turtles on the logs in the water. :smiley:


Yes, I’m a little behind.


Oh it’s okay lol.

They come out every summer. The park where I took those does a lot of animal protection wildlife stuff. They have a lot of rabbit, geese, turtle, beaver, duck, swan, and reptile sanctuaries. They have stuff for wolves, bears, wild cats, and other fluffy creatures of nature, but they’re off somewhere else in the park and it’s a huge park which I couldn’t try to walk the entirety of without being there for some days lol.

I don’t particularly like the geese one because they’ve gotten used to people feeding them, and if you happen to have nothing on hand they get irritated and chase after you.


Hi Cyber. I just wanted to let you know that I’ve been thinking about your anxiety, feeling like you’re not enough, or that your torn between conflicting goals.

Just an idea here. Maybe think about how your progress is going in other parts of your life? I know you’ve been trying to finish school, be in a position to start a career that is fulfilling to you. Those are big things. I know for me, sometimes if I’m stressed about something that is not in my control, I can put that negative emotion onto something else. I’ll find tasks to fret over instead of fretting over the really hard stuff. Maybe, maybe you’re putting emotion on lifting and body image stuff when it’s related to other things in your life. Maybe.

Also, I like what others said about staying away from instagram, or even looking at video of talented PLers. Take a step away from that and see if you begin to feel better, have more perspective. I would not make any major decisions until you feel more like yourself. Some people have issues with pride, which is about comparison where we put ourselves above others. Putting ourselves down, is the other side of that coin. Putting ourselves below others is still about comparisons. It’s looking sideways. And it’s discouraging.

Really, this is just a hobby for most of us. You may decide to see if you like competing in PLing. If train for a few meets, see if you enjoy it, before you decide to mess with your hormones. Honestly, I think the tendency toward control or perfectionism related to our bodies can go into either appearance or demands related to performance. Neither of those things are likely to pay any dividends in terms of you being a better wife and partner, quality friend, daughter of God trying to be kind to other people, studies and career and financial independence.

That doesn’t mean that you couldn’t work on either aesthetic or strength goals while you do other things and have FUN doing it. But, if it’s not bringing you joy, enriching your life, then maybe the balance of lifting to other things in your life needs adjusting first.

This is maybe easy for me to say. Lifting is just a hobby for me. I have no hope of being one of the best. And even as a hobby, it can be pretty selfish. Many have lost relationships or even a marriage over their lifting hobby. I can get my priorities out of balance. With PLing, maybe, maybe I could achieve some minor master’s level glory that nobody would care about but myself. I don’t have an instagram and am bored after about 5 minutes of looking at the selfies of strangers posing in their yoga pants. They have no impact on our real life. There is no imaginary competition going on between you and strangers on the web. You’re WAY stronger, and more curvy than the average muscle chick on instagram anyway, and That’s COOL!! Own that. I know you know this, but it’s good to be reminded. How other women on the internet look has nothing to do with you and your marriage, life, friendships, or successes in anything else. It’s been quoted here recently, but “Comparison if the thief of joy.” T. Roosevelt.

Best to you!



Just mentioning, I don’t want you guys to think that just because I didn’t reply to all of the advice, that I didn’t take it. I very much did. I just view words of wisdom as things that don’t need an echo, or rationale. They’re words of wisdom for a reason.

To update, I’ve pretty much just been open to my family. By that I mean just not straight up isolating myself. Usually I’ll stay out all day or lock myself in my room. I’m more than certain they all wish for me to come out and relax and talk to them like I usually do. My mom and my husband don’t understand to the degree that you guys do, but they’ve at least told me to give it some time. Which is obvious.

This passed weekend my brother also showed up. He’s apologized for everything, and for Father’s Day It was me, him, my dad, and we saw Incredibles 2. Which took my mind off of everything so I could focus on them. My husband has been rather touchy feely a lot lately. I mean he’s always been like that, but it’s a lot more lately. Between the two of us, he’s way more affectionate than I am, but it’s for a good reason, since I’m rather rough around the edges. So I just let him smother me in affection. Which is like my personal prescription of feely good stuff lol. I’m glad he’s rather understanding of all of this.

As minuscule as it seems, idk what’s with having pets, but they help a lot too. My dogs have been noticing my behavior too and all they do is stare at me. So I’ve been taking them out for runs with me. And watching them run back and forth is way more fun than sulking. Lol. Plus seeing happy dogs brings out my happiness so it’s a win-win.

At the moment it’s been a solid month since starting this cut. I’m glad I’m just moving forward. My lifts aren’t complete trash, but I don’t expect anything to be where it typically is. Which is okay. I haven’t weighed myself, but I don’t mind. I’m just noticing subtle changes. I’m still able to reach decent weights, and complete the rep assignments from BOTSLAYER’s layout. I took out that initial heavy squat and medium deadlift day, just because I burn out quickly, which is expected. They get their own days.

I can now focus on more tissue work and sorting out some small imbalances. My hips aren’t particularly happy with me, and neither are my knees. My back hasn’t been giving me issues, but those two have. So I’d much rather work on rehab stuff.

Other than that I’m feeling a lot better, and thanks to you guys for helping as well.


This is good news.


Great update :slight_smile:



To date it’s been roughly an entire month into this “cut”.
You know, I don’t even like using that word…
I’ll just say, leaning out phase.

This is actually the longest I’ve committed to leaning out, and it’s actually the first time I’ve correctly approached it.

For anyone who is curious this is what I’m running:

Right when I was planning out BOYTSLAYERs layout I figured I needed to take this to the next level.
Obviously I’ve ran this for a longer duration than what the title suggests, but I’ve coupled it with the layout from BOTs. I do realize that’s an insane amount of volume, but I’ve completely set aside the poundages that I’ve used in previous programming because it’s blatantly obvious I would not be seeing any progress or even managing to progress. Of the six days that have been prescribed, I carry on like normal, but the 7th day is when I add in FREAQ version, and it’s only to allow me to hang on to the majority of the neural adaptations I have. I tweaked the Max 12s, 10s, and 8s, with singles, doubles, and triples, but I kept the rest of the layout the same, and calculated lower percentages with the same guideline. This is an extremely quick day. 30-35 mins tops. Just work the groove, don’t push too hard, maintain.

Sorry BOTS, for jacking up the program, but I like the layout so much.

I know the 28 days of gains program is technically meant to recomp in some sort of way, but I’ve been using this program to figure out, without a doubt, how to properly lean out for me specifically, even if I don’t add any more muscle during that time, because it’s rather obvious in past instances in my log that I still suck at this whole thing. There’s no set end date to this either. I’m just making myself learn whatever it is I need to.

Of the few things I’ve noticed right off the bat since maybe the 2nd or 3rd, at the beginning of this month, is that I’m no longer making huge jumps in weight. Either losing or gaining. Previously I’d lose 10-15 pounds extremely quickly, or gain 10-15 pounds extremely quickly. I’ve been seeing a steady decrease in weight. That initial dump of water weight was maybe 5-6. From 210 to 205-204, earlier two weeks was 201-202, last two weeks was 199-200, and my most recent check was today at 196-197. So now I have a curve I can actually follow.

I’m not going to ponder on the progression I see in the mirror at least, because a month still isn’t enough time although I do see progress.

My knees are feeling a lot better since I’ve been loosing some more weight to take the pressure off of them. And I’m not feeling so lightheaded either, and my periods are getting easier to deal with. I’m being embarrassingly truthful and straight up, but me pussyfooting around actually leaning out probably gave me a lot of unecessary problems for at least the passed 6 months, or however long you guys have been noticing me complaining.

The main objective is to not freak out. I’ll get my strength back. So far I’m leveling with myself, and being rational. This has given me time to enjoy other things outside of training as well.

I’ve also picked back up intuitive eating just because it was what I was taught during my recovery, and it allows me to not become obsessive over food, and I’d rather neutralize potential issues before I even get the chance to think twice about considering something that could lead to another issues I don’t wanna deal with. I know it’s a general rule to dial in your macros, and I do for a general estimate, but from meal to meal, I give myself as much leeway as possible because food and I haven’t been the best of friends for quite a while. Because I’ve had a long time of experiencing either eating too much, or practically denying myself anything. And I’d much rather to just eat when I’m legit hungry, and focus on food choices and carb cycling.

So there’s that. And…well… yea lol.


This is exactly what it is for!!! JACK IT UP!!! hahaha

And great to hear about the leaning out progress!!!