I sit here unable to sleep, unable to shut down my mind. Countless thoughts engulf me. Some might use this as a moment viable for introspection, a moment that enables the beholder the possibility of an epiphany. I yield neither. I merely lay on my cot, unable to bring closure to not a single thought. Anger strikes, then helplessness as I realize I am unable to slay the dragon battering my mind. So many thoughts flood in. The process is almost mechanical in its perversity.
I succumb, and huddle down at the edge of my cot and allow it to run its course. I snicker at the scene. I resemble a scene out of those exaggerated Animal ads, depicting a behemoth of a man unable to cope with society. Oh the thoughts. With what randomness they appear. Itâ??s as if someone had upturned a file cabinet and spilled its contents from a summit. All of them cascading down to the floor with no set path. I behold fond memories of prosperous times. Times full of excess and carefree acquisition of debt.
I see the man spearheading the operation, proud and becoming fat due to said times. I then witness his gradual decline, as the ground underneath us is proven to be false. It concludes by structure finally tumbling down. I see many faces. Many men that have helped shape me. Of those many, only one remains a constant and I cherish and respect greatly. Of those many, only one brings my blood to a boil. Heâ??s a vile, porcine individual that his most violent and horrific demise would only bring happiness to my tattered soul.
My mind runs wild fabricating possible scenarios that would yield the desirable outcome. I shake my head in an attempt at skipping that track and proceed to the kitchen as its time to eat again. Feed it and it will grow. I stare at my forearm as I hold the shaker which contains my next meal and realize where Iâ??ve been and where I am heading. Out of all past chaos, my only constant, the one thing that cannot be taken from me, still stands and functions. 200lbs is truly 200lbs no matter what.
I sit and try to focus on breaking down the complexity of the contents in the shaker in an effort to throw the process of beat. I fail miserably as quickly I realize itâ??s only water, oats, and the refined and overpriced byproduct of cheese making. I finish the mess and sit back on the edge of my cot. Resuming the overwhelming process. Itâ??s almost 3AM, one more hour and I can escape into my training. It is another process and set of thought patterns so powerful that it overcomes any white noise invading my mind.
I lie down and focus on the task ahead. â??Traps,â?? I say to myself. Very heavy, and they require every ounce of raw power available to drive a couple hundred lbs in motion. Quickly, that very thought begins overpowering the chaos. Like when a punishing rain slowly seizes. Exercises, weights, equipment needed, every single detail comes into focus and begins embracing me. The chaos in my mind is finally quelled.