The husband is one of the guys Hockey has been doing golf vacations with for years and years. In speaking of the trips and Hockey the wife mentioned that “they all follow him around like he’s the Pied-Piper - I don’t know how he does it.” (“It” being to tightly control her husband and the other two, presumably.) Anyway, when she said they follow him around like the Pied-Piper the thought that I do, too, popped into my head, and it was unnerving.
Initial thought is that based on how you’ve described Hockey (and this couple, the wife in particular) this doesn’t sound like a bad thing at all as TQB has said. If you find a good thing should you run away from it instead?
If we want to dissect things a bit it also seems like you might be unnerved by the concept of you being tightly controlled by Hockey. Do you feel tightly controlled, or have any evidence of it?
Bear in mind that you’re also getting this whole concept of “it” from presuming what a highly negative and (unsuccessfully) controlling woman thinks “it” is. Perception != reality and all that.
Just half-baked food for thought.[/quote]
I meant my post to read that I believe the wife assumes the men need controlling due to her own controlling mindset. I don’t think Hockey tightly controls anybody, and certainly not me, but he does manage things very well, so things go smoothly when - well, when he’s in control. Why NOT follow the most adept person?
So I wasn’t coming in to complain about Hockey’s control or my fear of it, though when I read “If you find a good thing should you run away from it instead?” it occurs to me that I have had some very mild impulses in that direction, probably due to feelings of reliance/dependency.
But anyway, going back to my processing, I have: 1. buzzkill and 2. pied-piper, which left me thinking during my travel home (alone, he stayed to work) about him and them and also how much I like his body, which while not perfect by any stretch of the imagination is perfectly functional (he is very functional in general). So I was having mushy feelings about that and his patience and generosity and willingness to herd cats without complaint, and wrote an email to all of those effects. Just sort of outlining what I prize about him.
But then later I got anxious because I knew that his response would be to briefly acknowledge the email and thank me for it when we spoke later. How I know this is that this is his standard response to such things. So THEN I decided to get insecure because what if he hates these emails, and also my talking about mushy things - what if he wishes I’d STFU for once? At that point I was ready to break up because who needs this kind of grief? But then I remembered that he’d seemed happy enough to be with me when suggested we live together and when we bought a house, which is a fairly significant commitment. But what really made me feel better was getting home to find that while I was at work before we met to go to the airport he’d stacked wood up all around the fireplace - enough wood to last me until he gets home and can carry more in. Even though (ORION) I’m fully capable of carrying it 15’ from the garage myself.
So then I got mushy feeling again. Until it occurred to me that he does so much practical stuff to make my life nice and in return all he gets, really, are words and other displays of affection.
So that added inadequacy to my feelings list.
If men are action-oriented, do they expect the same in return? I know some of you have familiarity with the Five Love Languages - is he looking for acts of service from me? Because that’s clearly what he’s speaking TO me. In return I’m speaking words of affirmation, physical touch, and quality time. He does gifts, too, which I have a hard time reciprocating because the stuff he’s getting me is practical stuff he finds at the hardware or outdoor gear stores. I really have no idea what he would find useful but doesn’t already have. Whereas he knows exactly what hardware-y stuff I have. (It’s my clothes that really confound him!)
So again, I’m not really sure what my feelings are except that I still have such a crush on that guy.