T Nation

Emails From an A**hole


#1

Easily the best laugh I've had in months. The guy basically replies to craigslist ads and leads the person on for a few messages.

http://www.dontevenreply.com/

Original ad:
We are hosting a 5th birthday party for our son and his friends. Its a "bug themed" party and were looking to hire someone who can bring a few bugs/spiders (maybe under glass?) to the party and educate the kids for about 20 minutes (we`re talking 5-year old attention span). The party is at the end of June. Please contact me if you have experience with and access to bugs and can create a fun learning experience for the kids.
Timmy Tucker to ****************@**********.org

Hey there,

I have access to about twenty black widow spiders, and about 50 brown recluse spiders. For $200, I can release them at your party, and everyone can enjoy them. They are great for kids! I know a lot about insects from my job. I worked in an office on the first floor that had cheap windows, so I always had to kill bugs. I can tell you how to kill anything from a stink bug to an African burrowing scorpion. I can give a small speech to your party about this.

Also, for an extra $50, I can release a bag of wasps in your house to really give it that insect theme that you are looking for.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Tim

And another

This one was a little tricky. If you didn't figure it out, I am both Mike Anderson and Kira Anderson.
Original ad:
i am looking to trade/barter my 1994 Jeep Wrangler. 140k miles, yellow, good condition. NO CASH. I will barter just about anything of equal value!
From Mike Anderson to **********@***********.org
CC: Kira Anderson

Hey,

I saw your ad for a '94 Wrangler for barter. I will trade you my whore of a wife for that car. She is a dirty little slut that fucks just about anything that moves. She doesn't really have much to offer, so I figure she is worth about the price of a used 1994 wrangler. I understand if you think she isn't worth it, so I am willing to throw in $200 cash on top of that. If you are looking for a loose whore that will give it up easily, my wife will be well worth the trade. Let me know if you are interested. Does the Wrangler come with a title?

From Jim ***** to Me

Ha ha! Very funny. I am married and don't think I would be interested in your wife. Thanks for the offer though!

From Kira Anderson to Me, Jim *****

OH FUCK YOU MIKE!! DROP FUCKING DEAD!!! YOU ARE SUCH A SCUMBAG PIECE OF SHIT I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!

From Mike Anderson to Kira Anderson, Jim *****

Fuck YOU, you stupid cunt! What are you doing on the computer? I figured you were fucking Steve again. Or how about our neighbor? I'm sure he's looking to stick his dick in some rotten pussy. You fucking twat.

From Kira Anderson to Me, Jim *****

MIKE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE THIS IS IT. DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT COMING HOME TODAY BECAUSE ILL BE WAITING WITH A FUCKIN KNIFE

From Mike Anderson to Kira Anderson, Jim *****

Ooh I'm real fucking scared. It might be kind of hard to stab me with 10 inches of black dick in your mouth you fucking WHORE

From Jim ***** to Me, Kira Anderson

Hey you two sound like a great couple and all, but could you stop including me in these e-mails? I really don't think this concerns me.

From Kira Anderson to Mike Anderson, Jim *****

TELL YOU WHAT JIM ILL BUY YOUR FUCKING WRANGLER SO I CAN RUN OVER MY PIECE OF SHIT HUSBAND WITH IT

From Mike Anderson to Jim *****, Kira Anderson

Jim don't sell it to her. She'll probably pick up a random dude and crash the jeep while she's sucking his dick.

From Kira Anderson to Mike Anderson, Jim *****

FUCK YOU

From Jim ***** to Me, Kira Anderson

Will both of you shut the fuck up and stop e-mailing me? Jesus fucking christ man c'mon!


#2

Oh my..

http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=30

http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=31


#3

That's hilarious!! Craigslist has some really funny posts on it.

Here's a recent F4M post:

"look for much lust and sex and no bugs - w4m - 21"

when i was girl i raising goats in my country. i giving pleasure to uncles and his friends. now here in the new york i am confuse. i now learn how it bad for old mans to make the sex with the girls, and i now in college learn being lawyer, then i go return to my country and make reforms and protect other girls and womans from uncles and old mans.now i am here in the new york i not know boys or mans of my age. i still am want lust and sex and i like make man grunt and hard in my place of sex. this give me good pleasure for my self also. i want do this with the mans of good legal age of mine age, or maybe more older to maybe 24 or 25. but not too much old because then is like bad uncles that do exploit of girls.i no have computers in my country, it is good now i have computer in the college.

i learning so much.i want you to be a man who is friend and also is respect me, and i want you have clean body. penis big like donky. no too much hair. want man big penis like donky but no look like donky. this is joking! some kind of hair is not bad because i know all mans have hair on body and on the area of near penis. i woman also have hair on my body and i no donky! this is also joking! i like the new york because mans and womans laugh and joking much about sex and penis, this is not like my country, only mans make joking and laughing, and womans be quiet when there are mans near to us.i no understand why girls and womans in the new york puts penis of mans in the mouth. this give bugs and disease in the mouth. only the hole of sex is for these things. but maybe mans is more clean in the new york and no have bugs in penis. girl friend in school tell me that man like girl put mouth on penis and girl like man put mouth on place of sex of girl.

she tell me that this give the pleasure to the mans and the womans and better than penis in the hole of sex. so if you are clean man and show me how to make clean my hole of sex maybe you show me how we put mouth on sex and make pleasure with no bugs.also if you good man maybe you help me to find more goats because my prefer is the meat of the goat and the milk of the goat and the seed of the goat. i do not know if this is the correct word in the english because it no in my dicttionary book. it something no do here in the new york.please be my good clean man who give me respect. also give me penis like donky. i will be good girl for you i cook and wash your close i give you the sex and if you are good mans i try put the penis in my mouth like the womans in the new york and i clean my hole of sex and you make pleasure for me with your mouth.with no bugs please! Im studying history at Temple (go Owls!!)


#4

hahhahahahhahahahhaha


#5

LMFAO!!!

Original ad:
litter of 6 kittens up for adoption! they are all 3 weeks old and are looking for a good home. contact if interested.
From Mike Hunt to *********@***********.org

Hi,

I am interested in taking all six kittens off of your hands. How much do you want for them?

Mike

From Shannon ******* to Me

Mike,

Are you going to take care of all of these kittens? I want to make sure they all find a good home, and was expecting to sell them one at a time. Are you able to house all six of them?

From Mike Hunt to Shannon *******

Shannon,

To be honest, I own a pet Bengal Tiger and he is on a strict diet of cats. I usually feed him one cat every couple of days, so this litter should hold him over for a while. Don't worry though, I'll take good care of the kittens until I feed them to him.

Mike

From Shannon ******* to Me

That is horrible! You will not get a single kitten from me. I really hope you are not serious.

From Mike Hunt to Shannon *******

Shannon,

I was kidding. I seriously need all six kittens though. Disregard anything I said about a tiger.

From Shannon ******* to Me

NO.


#6

Haha, this one pretty good!
http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=32


#7

http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=12


#8

These are great.


#9

Original ad:
i saw you outside market east station. you were getting into a red ford truck. i was wearing a yellow shirt and had dirty blonde hair. our eyes met and we smiled. i hope you find me so we can meet up :slight_smile:
From Mike Anderson to *********@***********.org

That was me. I don't know why you thought we had a moment. I was smiling because of how disgustingly fat you were. I was trying to hold back laughter as I got into my truck. When I got in I just fucking lost it. Dirty blonde hair? Try dirty, grease-soaked hair.

From Chelsea ******** to Me

FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!


#10

lol, good ones


#11

LMAO shit is too funny.


#12

this one is too much. nearly piss my self.

http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=27


#13

This is the funniest site ever!!! Better than maddox!! I love you,OP. I love you so much you don't even know.

This had me on my knees crying.
http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=38


#14

http://www.dontevenreply.com/view.php?post=9

Original ad:
26 year old female who loves music looking for friendly male concert buddy.

i have tickets to see STS9 tomorrow night and am looking for someone to go with me to see them. you must be 420 friendly!
From Timmy Tucker to ***********@***********.org

Dear potential concert buddy,

I saw your ad and am very interested. I love music. About myself, I am a 25-year-old music loving male. I see all kinds of concerts and would love to check out STS9, I'm not quite sure what kind of music that is.

I am not sure what you mean by 420 friendly, however. Do you live near route 420? That isn't a problem for me, since it is kind of on the way to Philly anyway. Email me back if you want to go to the show with me.

Thank you,

Tim

From Stacey ***** to Me

hi tim. i wasn't talking about route 420...you have to be "cool" if you know what I mean.

stacey

From Timmy Tucker to Stacey *****

Stacey,

Glad to hear back from you! Unfortunately I am a little confused. I am cool, at least my mother and co-workers say so. So if you want someone who is cool, I am your guy!

Tim

From Stacey ***** to Me

no i dont think you get me. you need to be down with the chronic lol. ya get me?

From Timmy Tucker to Stacey *****

Stacey,

Are you talking about Dr. Dre's album The Chronic? I love hip hop! Is that what kind of music STS9 is? I assure you that I am "down" with that album. You can play it in the car on the way to the show if you like.

Tim

From Stacey ***** to Me

um no...ok i dont think you are the type person i want to go to the concert with no offense

From Timmy Tucker to Stacey *****

Stacey,

I'm not sure why you suddenly decided not to go to the concert with me. I am kind of disappointed, because I just bought an ounce of headies and was looking for someone else to smoke it with. My other friend has tickets to go see bisco in Baltimore so I guess I'll just go with him.

Sorry we couldn't be friends,

Tim

From Stacey ***** to Me

wtf are you fucking serious? why were you being so dense about the 420 thing! and wtf you are seeing bisco but you never heard of sts9?

From Timmy Tucker to Stacey *****

I'm not sure what you mean about the "420 thing." What are you talking about?

From Stacey ***** to Me

ugh nvm