T Nation

Drunk Stories


#1

Share your funniest and most entertaining stories that wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for booze.


#2

I was in bed one night, when I heard someone walk into my room. It was my older brother, so, I asked what he was doing in my room at 3am. He replied "Close the door!" Puzzled, I asked him again what he was doing. It was then he started peeing in my laundry basket. Pissed off, I told him to stop and get the fuck out. He replied with another "Shut up and close the door."

He walks out. Then, 5 minutes later I see my door crack open and he slips his head in, moving his eyes around... real stealthy.

He walks in, picks up the basket and brings it into his room.

The next morning he had no recollection at all. I told him to go check out the laundry basket in his room.

Next time I visit him in college, I'm getting drunk and shitting in his skillet.


#3

One night I crashed in my friends room and the following is all from what he told me because I have no recolection...

I got up and stood in front of his laptop and un-zipped. He punched me and said "What are you doing?!" and punched me in the arm. I replied "Get out of the bathroom!!" then he directed me downstairs to the real bathroom. I relived myself and proceeded to his parents room and got in bed bed with his mom. She exlamied "What are you doing?" I mumbled some jiberish and left without her number.


#4

What the hell is with men and pissing in random places when they are drunk.

Two stories:

I know one guy, went to his then girlfriends parents camp. Got drunk, pissed in the corner of their room and then crawled into bed with them. He is now married to the girl.

Another guy, got up in the middle of the night, pissed in the dishwasher of his then girlfriends parents house. He is now married to the girl.

All I have to ask is....WHY DIDN"T THE PARENTS SPEAK UP!!!!!??????????

Ya'll is crazeeeeeee!


#5

I actually have no idea who people mistake things for toilets. I walked into my freinds room with another guy. We find him passed out sitting in a chair watching TV. I kic his chair until he wakes up, mumbles a little bit, and walks over to his mini fridge sitting on the ground. I told him he probly dosn't need another beer, and before I know it he's pissing in his fridge. It was too hilarious, I ran and got some other people, and when we got back he had moved the fridge away from the wall to cover the big piss puddle on the floor and then gone to sleep.

Just last week a freind showed me a bruise on her ass, and told me the funniest story to go along with it. She's plastered, walks into her room and her roomates already passed out, walks to her dresser, pulls out the second drawer, pulls down her pants, sits on the drawer to piss in it, and the whole thing tips over on her. She's stuck under it and her roomate wont wake up to help her.

It's kind of a weird phenomena but I hear of people doing it all the time.


#6

I have a friend who every time he gets wasted loves to be punched in the stomach. So he will come up to you and go hit me man hit me, and while he's doing this he's grunting and acting like he's flexing his abs as hard as he can. So I'll basically tap him on the stomach and he will act like he got slugged and scream OH YEAH! He does this over and over again every time he gets wasted. You will tap him and than five minutes later he will be back for more.

Also another story, My friends and I are at this dueling piano bar for my friends GF birthday. I DD them all because I'm not a huge drinker. We have a good night and just as we are about to leave (Friend and me only ones left in the bar from our group) a solid Ten gets up on the pianos to have her birthday song sung for her. Right as she gets up there my friend starts screaming show us your tits at the top of his lungs in front of about two hundred people who are now all looking at him. In the end I had to haul his ass out of the bar and he had no idea the next day what happened.


#7

More pissing fun:

So I'm passed out in the squad bay at Mt. Fuji. I crashed early because I knew we had to go out to the field for a few days in the morning. 2 O'clock rolls around and my buddy Alvarez, this big Mexican guy, comes in drunk from the E-club. So he opens his wall locker and starts to pull his dick out. I yell at him and tell him he's about to piss in his wall locker.

He looks at me and says, "Leave me alone Griff before I pull your ass out of the rack."

I tried once more and again he threatened to kick my ass, so I rolled over and let him at it.

Next morning I'm pulling my shit together and he's on his knees in his wall locker digging through his cammies. He looks at me and says, "Man, why the fuck is my gear wet? And it stinks too."

I just laughed. We were going to hit the field for five days and there's more than a foot of snow on the ground. This poor sap is getting into wet piss cammies in sub-freezing temps.

mike


#8

These pissing stories are funny! It must be a common phenomenon for people to mistake things for toilets when they are drunk.

It happened to me once when we had a Friday night drink-up at my house. I crashed into bed and woke up to a steady trickle of water on my ear. My brother had walked into the room and was pissing on my head!

I snapped him out of it and asked him what the fuck he was doing, and pushed him into the bathroom. I told him he'd been pissing on my head...he just mumbled "oh shit" in a disoriented way and started pissing in the bathtub instead. lol. He was that drunk he didn't know what the toilet looked like.

I was EXTREMELY pissed off at the rude awakening, and I headbutted the bathroom door on the way out, which cracked it. I had a shower and went back to bed.

The crack in that door is still there to this day...


#9

I can never remember any of my own funny drunk stories.

Unless someone has a camera and reminds me about the naked volleyball game and what a sore loser I am.


#10

Many moons ago, Me and some friends were out drinking and hanging around the local shopping center. And I was standing there and looked down towards the movie theater and noticed this guy who I interpreted was staring at me (you know how being drunk can change visual imaging :wink: )

Well I proceed to yell out what you looking at pussy and repeated that a few times.

Well this person started walking towards me, and in my brave bold stupor, I did not RUN.

As this guy got closer I was able to see who it was !. Yes I just called probably the most stongest person I knew at the time a pussy over and over... images of my life flashed before my eyes.

Well to my relief, he was smiling and basically got me in a playfull head lock and said who are you talking to red, and let me up smiling and told me to behave.

Well dodged a bullet there in a big way.

As I mentioned him being strong, he had this Farmers build, and I have personally seen him deadlift (or maybe actually a hack squat :wink:) the front of the schools John Deer Tractor. So hence my fear of death as he walked up.

Oh there are a few more from me past but this one always makes me a quite drunk LOL.


#11

One night me and my friends wandered onto a golf corse and happened upon a Golf Cart. Theres nothing funner than joy riding down the highway at 3AM in a golf cart.


#12

I was living in the university dorms at the time as a freshman.

I had been invited to a Lacrosse team party and they were holding a crawfish boil so I went and a buddy of mine came with me.

We got super toasty on the keg beer and by the time we went home around around 3 or 4:00 am, we were really hungry. So, we went back to the now dead party and stole lots of left over, live crawfish in a bucket to "ingeniously" microwave and sprinkle with seasoning in the snack lounge at my dorm.

They tasted disgusting in a microwave, so we just forgot about it. I went upstairs and he went home. In the later morning, I came down for class and found tons of crawfish invading the lower floor bedrooms, community bathroom, hallways etc. The maids were all over the place trying to catch them, chicks were freaking out and for a brief second I had forgotten that it was my fault until I saw the bucket and had a flash back through my hazy black out.

The dorm head was pissed and analyzed the video to try to identify the culprits. I was wearing a hat and my face was covered. My buddy didn't live in the dorm and wasn't recognized.

Years later, a friend of mine became a DA and said the school uses my video to discuss the importance of cameras.


#13

The thing about my story is that I really didn't have that much to drink, and as a result I remember it pretty vividly.

My freshman year of college I wake up in the middle of the night and I'm standing in the hallway. I am a little confused and I can't see very well. My room was the very last one on the floor, so I walk down to the end of the hallway and try to open it. It's locked. How it got locked I don't know, as the doors can only be locked from the outside with a key. Since I was standing out there in just my boxers, I was pretty sure I didn't bring my key with me. Anyways, I knock a few times, trying to wake up my roommate. He doesn't hear me so I knock a little louder. Finally, I hear some voices, but he still won't answer the door. I start yelling "Dude, Brian, open the door." Finally, after a good 5 minutes of this, somebody answers the door, but it's an Indian chick and she's yelling at me, before I get a word in she slammed the door in my face. To this day I'm not sure what language she was yelling in.

After she shuts the door, I squint a little bit and see two girl's names on the door, and the number 213. My room was 313. All of the sudden it clicked that I hadn't even been on my floor this whole time. I walked up the stairs and lo and behold, there was my door wide open, and roommate sound asleep. I was still a bit disoriented but I was in my own room and went back to sleep.

In the morning I realized I couldn't see because I wasn't wearing my glasses.

I had sleep walked a few times as a kid when I had a high fever. This night was just strange though. I have no recollection of leaving my room. I just remember suddenly standing in the hallway. And I honestly probably only drank 6 beers.


#14

When I was about 15 or 16 my Mom had an art show and I was there to serve wine to the guests. I also happened to drink about as much wine as I served and got thoroughly plastered.

On the way home that night, I didn't feel like walking around the wooded area so I walked through it. I knew these woods like the back of my hand but when I got to the creek It was too dark to see where the rocks were so I could stay dry as I stepped across the shallow water.

I decided my best alternative was to go up the creek about 100 feet to an area where I knew I could jump across the water. At this location the creek was narrow BUT DEEP.

I stood at the bank, could not see a thing, it was pitch black. I said to myself "Edge, just jump as far as you can, you'll make it for sure". so, I jumped as far as I could with all the confidence in the world that I would make it. Of course I did make it. It was an easy jump for me, but the instant after I hit I fell backward, body into 2 feet of water and my feet still up on the bank!

I struggled my way out, which wasn't easy being that I was drunk and starting with my feet up on the bank and the water was surprisingly deep. I made it the rest of the way home wet and filthy, got into the tub with all my cloths on and began to mix vomit with creek muck.


#15

I think if you search this I posted before inder my old nom de plume. I was plastered and my buddy was driving me home, converstaions turned to old loves and I brough up my recently exed ex. Well he decides to drive over there and wanted me to go talk to her, I would not so he gets out of the car(brand new used 99 Pontiac Trans-Am miss that ride). He comes back telling me he did me a favor but refusing to tell me what he did. I get home and he hops in his car and drives home. Later on in the night I hear yelling and a big comotion outside and a guy saying he's going to "kick my ass". Well I say if this person's comes upstairs I will shoot him (I had a low yield 35lb crossbow) he came up I shot him in the leg (still drunk I missed).

I dragged his bleeding and passed out ass downstairs and ask my ex "if this was hers?" and left him there and told her to take him to a doctor. Afew months later we got back together and discussed said incident and I guess she pulled his punk card, she told him not to go up there becasue I would "kill him", his ego made him go.


#16

I have video of HartCarl trying to get up on the bar and dance while singing a Black Eyed Peas song.

This was on his 21st birthday.

He was passing out ON the bar when the bouncer told me to wake him up or we were going to get kicked out. I bought him a Redbull and when the female bartender brings me the redbull HotCarl looks up and YELLS "You're UGLY!" while pointing right at her. The worse part of it was, she really was ugly!

Then I escort him out of the bar and on the way out he shoves EVERY guy he passes and yells at them, "you're a faggot". This of course pisses off many guys and the follow us out of the bar. HotCarl sees them and he attempts to bull rush them. I tackle him to the ground to keep him from getting his ass kicked. Two cops come over and ask me if I have everything under control. I assure them I do and my g/f drives up with my SUV and I shove HotCarl into it.

When we got home he begged me for 20mins to punch him in the face because he loves pain...

Haha fun times.


#17

This is a story pieced together from my sisters and my reccollection after drifting in and out of conciousness.

My sister was the first person to witness me puking. For which she gives me a ration of shit for every time I see her, because she didn't puke. But I had much more alcohol than she did. Ok, so now for the fateful night.

I started off the night with a jameson coke, she started with a pbr. Then we went to an Irish pub, which was probably a mistake. We ended up going toe to toe with alternating shots of jameson and carbombs. I walked in to the pub with around 60 dollars in my pocket. And I ended up getting another 80 dollars out of the atm there. This was within about 1-2 hours. At this point the night gets hazy. I met some Irish dude named Dermot and we drank a little. Then I chilled in front of the Irish band. Knowing at this point my game is fucked, and that I am not sober enough to get a girl, I go cock block these guys hitting on my sister so I have a place to stay. We end up starting to stumble home.

She runs up the street and I drunkenly tell her to stop, she doesn't, she ends up tripping over her feet and face plants in the middle of the crosswalk. I remember that she listens to me more at this point. I am trying to just get her home because any would-be attackers probably have me dead to rights. So this bum comes over, and I give him the last 10 dollars I have to help carry my sister home. About 8 blocks. He drops us off and my sister realizes... she doesn't have her keys to her apartment building.

FUCK.

So we end up passing out on the steps of her apartment building, I don't remember who barfs, I do remember a lot of it, but it might not have been mine.

Eventually the Seattle Police arrive probably to tell us to move along, and we tell them that she lives there. So I think they get the building manager to let us in. In the process of this, I tell the police that if I only had my lock picks I could get in. (I can pick locks). We finally make it to her apt. And she goes in to the bathroom. I get the strong urge to pee out her window, because she is barfing her guts out.

Cue black out.

We wake up, apparently her face really hurts, she doesn't remember why, so I tell her. She cant figure out why her clothes stink, so I tell her. A few days later she figures out one of her teeth went through her lip when she fell, and now has a scar on her face. And apparently when talking to her building manager, he says that someone pee'd on him from what he thinks was her apartment (I said I had an urge to pee, but I don't remember doing it).

And this is why we don't go toe to toe with each other anymore, and she doesn't give me shit about drinkin anymore, because she doesn't remember anything but I drift in and out, which clearly makes me the victor.


#18

My friend is beyond drunk at a bar and realizes he has to throw up. He's well beyond the point of being able to make knowledgable decisions so he runs into the girls room, kicks down the stall door, falls to his knees and pukes all over a girls lap as shes shitting.


#19
When I was a sophomore in high school my friends had introduced a freshman to our little group.


We're all drinking rum at my house  and he takes maybe 5-6 shots which he gets pretty retarded after.  Then we go outside to smoke some weed and this just sets him over the edge.  When we make it back into my brother's room he sits down on my brother's bed and just passes out.  Someone places a trash can right in front of him just in case he throws up.

He does, first to the right of him all over my brother's bed then to the left all over my brother's $2,000 laptop then he manages to sit up and puke all over the floor completely missing the trash can. My brother is fucking furious and is ready to kill this kid so we bring him into the empty room next to my brother's. Eventually my brother comes over and tells us to get him out of the house.

Now my parents are home up stairs so we pull him out of the window and take him outside in the freezing rain. He's left there for maybe 20 minutes before his parents start calling his cell phone. Obviously he doesn't answer and his parents eventually make their way to my house to look for him. His mom is standing in my bro's room calling her son's cell phone which can be heard right outside the window. She doesn't hear it and leaves.

 By this time I'm thinking I've got to get him the fuck off my property so I start to carry him toward his house (less than a 1/2 mile away) and my mom sees me.  She calls his parents and they come back to get him.  His dad beats the crap out of him and we all say he showed up like that and they take him home.  Luckily they didn't call the cops because my parents could have been in deep shit.

There have been other adventures starring this guy, he has thrown up from just smoking weed, has thrown up from two tiny shots of vodka "because of the taste"  and my personal favorite, gets drunk on wine and pulls his pants down and starts whacking it in front of these two chicks.

#20

My boss told me this story at work one time...

Back when he was in high school, he came home at around 2am. It had been snowing, and there were a few inches of snow on the ground. So, being drunk, he says "Fuck this, I'm shoveling this now so I dont have to do it in the morning."

He shovels his walkway, entire driveway, and sidewalk, which he said took about 2 hours. Then he went to bed.

9 AM the next morning, his mom comes to wake him up and tells him to shovel snow. He replies "I did it last night." Her reply: "Yeah, it kept snowing you drunk idiot. Get out there and shovel."

Hahaha. I guess it's funnier cause its my boss.