T Nation

Dog Sh*t and How to Deal With It

Okay, so I just got back into town earlier this week after visiting my parents for the holidays. There’s this old lady who lives down the street from me and for the last year or so I’ve been going over to her house and mowing her lawn and cleaning up her yard for her and shit like that. She’s about 85 and has no relatives in the area except some degenerate son who embezzled a bunch of money from her about 20 years ago.

So, being such a nice fucking guy, I volunteered to help her out around the yard on the weekends when I have time.

Well, she has this humungous wolf/dog of some sort that shits all over the yard. The lawn is covered in it, the flower beds are covered in it, the side yards, the landscaping, everything. This fucking asshole of a dog just shits and shits and shits.

Since I was out of town for about three weeks her yard was a complete shit sty when I got back. It rained quite a bit when I was gone so all the shit is smeared all over the lawn and that sort of thing. I’m sick of cleaning up shit all over the yard for this old lady.

So, how can I get this dog to just shit in one spot rather than cover the whole goddamned yard with it? Is there anything I can do to steer the dog away from the lawn, or at least get him to localize his shit in one area so I can just go in there with a shovel and scoop it all out each week, rather than tip-toe around the entire yard using a small rake and a shovel to pick this fucking dog’s shit up?

Any advice would be welcome. Well, not ANY advice. Only advice related to this thread.

TLDR; go fuck yourself if it’s too long and learn how to read while you’re at it.

By the way, fencing off the lawn and the landscaped areas isn’t an option. She doesn’t want a bunch of fencing enclosing everything in her yard and I have a feeling this dog will just lay huge piles of steaming shit all over the patio instead, which would probably flip her out.

First of all you’re doing a nice thing for the lady and you can’t teach
an old dog new tricks like ‘localize’ where he craps. you’re kidding right? the ONLY way you can do that
is have have it leashed or buy a relatively small personal fence so it’s not defacating
all over the place.
Deal with tip toeing around the yard and cleaning up as well, your minor issues compared with other
issues like the economy and foreclosures are nothing compared to yours, I say man up and if you get a
little dung on your heels, it’s called a fucking water hose just spray that shit off and don’t
get all high strung about it you pussy.
She’s an elderly lady, she has a fucking dog that shits and nobody’s twisting your arm in
doing what your doing because I can think of a hundred different worse things you could be doin’
than ridding a yard of Doo doo.
Have you ever thought the possiblity one day some Nurse may wiping YOUR Shitty ass one day
in a nursing home?
Deal with it, I GAVE you advice…get a fucking fence, get a fucking leash… Leash is much cheaper…I gotta take a shit now.

There are products that will help it degrade faster. If you don’t mind a few bucks you could hire a service to come by once a week to clean up the poops.

Long term you could get her convinced to use higher quality food…more expensive but its more nutrient dense and less poop by far. Much healthier for the dog as well.

[quote]Karado wrote:
First of all you’re doing a nice thing for the lady and you can’t teach
an old dog new tricks like ‘localize’ where he craps. you’re kidding right? the ONLY way you can do that
is have have it leashed or buy a relatively small personal fence so it’s not defacating
all over the place.
Deal with tip toeing around the yard and cleaning up as well, your minor issues compared with other
issues like the economy and foreclosures are nothing compared to yours, I say man up and if you get a
little dung on your heels, it’s called a fucking water hose just spray that shit off and don’t
get all high strung about it you pussy.
She’s an elderly lady, she has a fucking dog that shits and nobody’s twisting your arm in
doing what your doing because I can think of a hundred different worse things you could be doin’
than cleaning a yard of Doo doo.
Have you ever thought the possiblity one day some Nurse may wiping YOUR Shitty ass one day
in a nursing home?
Deal with it, I GAVE you advice…get a fucking fence, get a fucking leash…I gotta take a shit now.

[/quote]

FIrst of all, the day that someone other than myself has to wipe my ass for me is the day that I blow my fucking brains out.

Secondly, go fuck yourself. Did you get all bent out of shape about something I posted somewhere else? You seem a little too emotionally invested in my shit problems for your smarmy fucking response to be totally random.

[quote]groo wrote:
There are products that will help it degrade faster. If you don’t mind a few bucks you could hire a service to come by once a week to clean up the poops.

Long term you could get her convinced to use higher quality food…more expensive but its more nutrient dense and less poop by far. Much healthier for the dog as well.[/quote]

Thank you. See Karado, it’s possible to be nice about these sorts of things.

There’s a product you can buy that repels animals from chosen areas you apply it to. It’s expensive and a bit toxic I believe, and it needs repeated applications after a rain.

Google it.

[quote]Karado wrote:
First of all you’re doing a nice thing for the lady and you can’t teach
an old dog new tricks like ‘localize’ where he craps. you’re kidding right? the ONLY way you can do that
is have have it leashed or buy a relatively small personal fence so it’s not defacating
all over the place.
Deal with tip toeing around the yard and cleaning up as well, your minor issues compared with other
issues like the economy and foreclosures are nothing compared to yours, I say man up and if you get a
little dung on your heels, it’s called a fucking water hose just spray that shit off and don’t
get all high strung about it you pussy.
She’s an elderly lady, she has a fucking dog that shits and nobody’s twisting your arm in
doing what your doing because I can think of a hundred different worse things you could be doin’
than ridding a yard of Doo doo.
Have you ever thought the possiblity one day some Nurse may wiping YOUR Shitty ass one day
in a nursing home?
Deal with it, I GAVE you advice…get a fucking fence, get a fucking leash… Leash is much cheaper…I gotta take a shit now.

[/quote]

This is probably the best advice you will receive. Buy a pair of rubber boots and just leave them in her backyard.

You have to show that dog who owns the yard.

Two gallons of water and a Saturday afternoon. You should be able to have all your territory marked and leave the doggie a nice corner of the property to call his own.

I learned this one in psychology so it is guaranteed to work, first time- and for the rest of the dogs life.

Next time he squats down to drop a deuce shoot him with that fifty cal. right in the face.

That will be the only place in the yard he will ever shit again.

Spoken like a true blue Alumni of the Michael Vick School Of Psychology.

[quote]WN76 wrote:

[quote]Karado wrote:
First of all you’re doing a nice thing for the lady and you can’t teach
an old dog new tricks like ‘localize’ where he craps. you’re kidding right? the ONLY way you can do that
is have have it leashed or buy a relatively small personal fence so it’s not defacating
all over the place.
Deal with tip toeing around the yard and cleaning up as well, your minor issues compared with other
issues like the economy and foreclosures are nothing compared to yours, I say man up and if you get a
little dung on your heels, it’s called a fucking water hose just spray that shit off and don’t
get all high strung about it you pussy.
She’s an elderly lady, she has a fucking dog that shits and nobody’s twisting your arm in
doing what your doing because I can think of a hundred different worse things you could be doin’
than ridding a yard of Doo doo.
Have you ever thought the possiblity one day some Nurse may wiping YOUR Shitty ass one day
in a nursing home?
Deal with it, I GAVE you advice…get a fucking fence, get a fucking leash… Leash is much cheaper…I gotta take a shit now.

[/quote]

This is probably the best advice you will receive. Buy a pair of rubber boots and just leave them in her backyard.
[/quote]

That’s the worst advice ever you goddamned moron. Do you have any clue what massive amounts of smeared shit does to a lawn? Have you ever tried weeding a flower bed with shit all over it? What about trimming dead ground cover with shit smeared all over it?

I could care less about stepping in the dog shit. My entire LIFE is shit, so what’s the difference to me if I walk around in her fucking dog’s shit for a few hours each weekend?

The problem is what this shit is doing to her yard and the difficulty dealing with it is causing me.

[quote]Iron Dwarf wrote:
There’s a product you can buy that repels animals from chosen areas you apply it to. It’s expensive and a bit toxic I believe, and it needs repeated applications after a rain.

Google it.[/quote]

Are you seriously willing to come over and piss all over her yard after each rain? I never knew dwarf piss worked like that. I’m learning new things every day.

The other thing I was going to try was to put little stakes in the ground everywhere he shits that have cardboard paper attached to them and a quote from Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? on them. That seems to work with women, maybe it applies to animals as well.

Sorry about my surly attitude by the way. This shit’s really getting to me.

[quote]SkyzykS wrote:
I learned this one in psychology so it is guaranteed to work, first time- and for the rest of the dogs life.

Next time he squats down to drop a deuce shoot him with that fifty cal. right in the face.

That will be the only place in the yard he will ever shit again.
[/quote]

What’s the best way to notch a tree so that when I cut it down it spirals away from the house, given that it is leaning slightly toward the house right now? I’ll be using a chainsaw and I really don’t want to send this fucking thing through my bedroom window.

That’s so weird. My dogs just naturally gravitate to crapping in one corner of the yard.

When i was a lil Rockula i was obsessed with oscar the grouch so i took some dog shit and smeared it on my neighbors forehead like a unibrow.

“That’s the worst advice ever you goddamned moron. Do you have any clue what massive amounts of smeared shit does to a lawn?”

IDK, but I hear shit makes good fertilizer.

“Have you ever tried weeding a flower bed with shit all over it? What about trimming dead ground cover with shit smeared all over it?”

Yes I have actually, except I never grew a Vagina afterwards and whined like a little girl about it.

“I could care less about stepping in the dog shit. My entire LIFE is shit, so what’s the difference to me if I walk around in her fucking dog’s shit for a few hours each weekend?”

Then why did you start this fuckin’ thread in the first place?, sounds like you need Dr. Phil
to give ya a good tongue lashing.

“The problem is what this shit is doing to her yard and the difficulty dealing with it is causing me.”

No one forced you to get involved with this bullshit in the first place, if you don’t like it
and don’t have half a brain to solve this fuckin’ thing, kindly tell that old hag to go fuck herself
and get an Iguana next time.

First of all Karado, you are right. Shit does make good fertilizer. Fertilizer is good for grass, shit is not. These huge pancake-shaped pieces of shit prevent sunlight from getting to the grass.

I like whining like a little girl, so I don’t know why you bother trying to harangue me for it. I guess you’ve never participated in the NFL thread.

Why did I start this thread? To see if any T-Nationers out there have any solutions that might lessen my need to whine like a little girl. It wasn’t started to seek a way to avoid stepping in it.

There is no next time for the old hag. She’s eighty fucking five years old. And getting an iguana is about the worst readily-available pet she could get at her age. Those fucking things can get up to 6 feet in length and need their own well-heated room at that point. Sure, she could just keep it in a small terrarium and limit its growth, but what kind of companionship can a 5" iguana offer an 85 y/o woman?