T Nation

Does Your GF/Wife Have Male Friends?

It’s always fishy when girls only have guy friends because they just want the attention. With previous girlfriends, I was okay with them having guy friends because I am friends with quite a few girls. Most of them, I’m strictly friends with and would not pursue anything further. However, I am protective over my girls and make it known that her and I are together and there is no chance for the other guy. Weight lifting is a good intimidation factor in the testosterone world.

I have one lady friend who I have known since I was 4 years old and we still keep in touch. I would say lifelong friends are different situation.

I am trusting enough to be fine with a girlfriend having guy friends as long as I still get to have girl friends. I know my value and I try to demonstrate that in relationships. If she has a head on her shoulders, she could care less about guy “friends” trying to bang her.

Knowing how other guys are, I couldn’t let it slide unless I knew he is 100% genuine.

People are naive to think marriages fall apart because of physical cheating. Physical cheating happens because the relationship has fallen apart. Adultery doesn’t begin with sex, it results in it.

[quote]DoubleDuce wrote:
People are naive to think marriages fall apart because of physical cheating. Physical cheating happens because the relationship has fallen apart. Adultery doesn’t begin with sex, it results in it.[/quote]

Truth.

[quote]LankyMofo wrote:

[quote]DoubleDuce wrote:
People are naive to think marriages fall apart because of physical cheating. Physical cheating happens because the relationship has fallen apart. Adultery doesn’t begin with sex, it results in it.[/quote]

Truth. [/quote]

I agree, but that doesn’t make it any less wrong or completely avoidable.

[quote]countingbeans wrote:

[quote]LankyMofo wrote:

[quote]DoubleDuce wrote:
People are naive to think marriages fall apart because of physical cheating. Physical cheating happens because the relationship has fallen apart. Adultery doesn’t begin with sex, it results in it.[/quote]

Truth. [/quote]

I agree, but that doesn’t make it any less wrong or completely avoidable. [/quote]

I agree, wasn’t trying to imply such. I was saying that the things that always come BEFORE it are just as bad.

People think they can plant the seeds of unfaithfulness, water them every day, give them sunshine, then harvest something else.

[quote]DoubleDuce wrote:

[quote]countingbeans wrote:

[quote]LankyMofo wrote:

[quote]DoubleDuce wrote:
People are naive to think marriages fall apart because of physical cheating. Physical cheating happens because the relationship has fallen apart. Adultery doesn’t begin with sex, it results in it.[/quote]

Truth. [/quote]

I agree, but that doesn’t make it any less wrong or completely avoidable. [/quote]

I agree, wasn’t trying to imply such. I was saying that the things that always come BEFORE it are just as bad.

People think they can plant the seeds of unfaithfulness, water them every day, give them sunshine, then harvest something else.
[/quote]

I see where you’re coming from.

People certianly need to maintain boundries with friends of the opposite sex for sure. But such is true for all of human relationships.

I have learned the hard way not too have close friends of the opposite sex. My wife is Latina as well, she does not tolerate it well at all, I have felt her wrath, I am not ashamed to say I was terrified. I do sometimes wonder if my wife was in a different profession (she is a middle school teacher) if she would have male friends say in a corporate setting and how I would feel if she was going to happy hour with her “buddies” from work. I am generally not very jealous but haven’t really been tested either.

Truth be told, any woman I considered a friend at one point or another I have also thought about fucking too…not saying I would, just saying its fun to think about.

Edit

When we were first married, she did have a lifelong male friend she had went to grade school with that was incarcerated, that would call her from jail, that ended pretty quickly as I know if I was that guy in jail I probably would jack off to any female voice.

[quote]DoubleDuce wrote:
People are naive to think marriages fall apart because of physical cheating. Physical cheating happens because the relationship has fallen apart. Adultery doesn’t begin with sex, it results in it.[/quote]
Yea I was one of those people.

TMI time: I sort of “stole” this one girl from her boyfriend when I was in college. We started out as just being friends for a while, but we were talking on a one on one basis just like the OP mentioned and things progressed from there. It actually got serious and we dated for two years until I graduated from college and got a good job at which point we got engaged and eventually married (I let her push me into it which was mistake number one). We were very attracted to eachother, the sex was great, and our personalities went together very well. I thought being “in love” was good enough even though we didn’t have very many common interests. About a year and a half into our marriage I started noticing how aloof she was about returning texts and calls and such and how often she was away from home. We just started drifting farther and farther apart.

There was a male friend who had way more common interests with her than I did, and she started confiding in him rather than me and confiding in him about me. I had never even met this guy. I noticed all the usual stuff. I could see on the phone bill that she was texting and calling someone else way, way more often than she was talking to me. She would be out all the time and sometimes “stay at one of her girlfriend’s houses”. This went on for another few months along with more lying than I thought any one person’s conscience was capable of handling. I was almost more offended by how stupid she evidently thought I was than I was about her cheating on me. Anyway about a week before our 2 year anniversary I found it all plain as day on her phone’s text messages she had forgotten to erase. The moment I really knew shit was over though was when she didn’t even apologize. She just got mad at me for looking through her phone. I’ve already revealed how stupid I am when it comes to women, so I won’t bother leaving this last part out. I didn’t even end it right away. I bought into marriage hook, line, and sinker, and there were times when I thought she was trying to work on it as well. As you all would have guessed though I later found out she was still talking to this guy and nothing had really ever stopped. He even changed his number, and she got a separate phone and all that shit. In hindsight it almost seems like she meets the medical definition of a pathological liar. Of course I had to pay for the divorce though.

It wasn’t like I cheated on her or hit her or had a drinking problem or whatever. It was small stuff that didn’t even seem like a problem until it had built up into a problem and slowly degraded the relationship, which she felt more comfortable talking about to her “good friend” of the opposite sex.

I like to think I’m not all bitter about it though. Hopefully nobody thinks I’m like Orion Jr. lol. I certainly learned a hell of a lot. Although between that and more than a couple chicks who were not single literally throwing themselves on me (one of them was even fucking engaged), I guess I did lose a lot of faith in women to keep themselves from cheating via their own merits as opposed to me having to keep them in line with “game”. Maybe once they get older it’s not as bad. I hope.

So ya OP, either don’t let her have one on one male friends or PIIHB or both. Coulda saved me a lot of trouble.

I pretty much agree with everything said here. Proper relationships are the key. Does my wife have male friends? Sure. Do they have long conversations on the phone or go out on “dates” together? Nope. I’ve also made a point to be friends with them myself.

I have some old female friends, but I always introduce them to my wife and hang out together. This summer I met one. I made sure my wife was always there and that they became close. A few months later my wife wanted us to go to her house to hang out when we were in that city (she lives far away, maybe that makes it easier). Now my wife has her phone number and is connected on FB/etc. Now she’s not “my” friend, she is “our” friend. Not sure if I explained that well, but I think you know what I mean.

I’ve also “scared off” a few guys who I thought were getting a little too friendly. lol.

[quote]Waittz wrote:

[quote]csulli wrote:
In my experience that ends in her cheating on you.

Think back to when you were a single guy maybe in your 20’s or something like I am. How many girls do I just call up or go hang out with or text a lot who I don’t want to get physically involved with? None. 99 times out of 100 a single guy (or otherwise) just wants in her pants. It’s even more dangerous if she doesn’t realize this. A staggering number of women appear to be oblivious to this, which is so stupid.

I’m not saying I don’t have female friends who are really just friends. But I don’t like call them up one on one or hang out with them just the two of us. I’m friends with their boyfriend as well or if they’re single I just hang out with them in a group of our mutual friends and we have a great time.[/quote]

I am handing out my weekly slow clap for this post. [/quote]

You slow clap taker backer.

[quote]Waittz wrote:

[quote]Diddy Ryder wrote:
I’d point out to 20 year old me that when you tell someone about a dream or ambition you want to pursue, and they list a bunch of reasons why you shouldn’t, what you’re actually hearing are the reasons they wouldn’t do it, and has no bearing on your decision.

In fact I’d tell him to keep his mouth shut and just get on with it.[/quote]

This is great. Too bad I already handing out my slow clap of the week.

I would change it to this though,

“what you’re actually hearing are the reasons they Couldn’t do it[/i], and has no bearing on your decision.”
[/quote]

I learned I have to put up with it, since I have some very attractive female friends, which she has to deal with.

I wouldn’t trust someone who didn’t trust me. We judge based on our own instincts, ethics (or lack of…) and behaviours so people who are not trustworthy are the least trusting.

And x2 to what Beans has been saying. It doesn’t matter how many guys out there want to bang your woman, they will only succeed if she’s a cheater. It shouldn’t need to be stated but you guys ought to know there are ALWAYS guys out there ready to bang a willing woman.

Two gf’s ago, I got burnt by this as I knew her male friends were basically all dorks. (I was right, and we weren’t meant to be together anyway, but dang if it didn’t still sting for good minute)

Current gf, and I refuse to let past experience make me insecure/possessive/etc. Of course it helps that her close male friends are gay and they bond over fashion/hair but I def do still subscribe to that “… then she was never really yours to begin with” mindset.

[quote]chillain wrote:
but I def do still subscribe to that “… then she was never really yours to begin with” mindset.

[/quote]

This is where people get it wrong in my opinion. At one point in time, the relationship could be flourishing and she really is “yours”. Then take a decade or two to grow apart and some guy “friend” starts paying her attention and that’s when the emotional cheating starts, which is just a gateway cheating to the physical cheating.

Nah mean?

[quote]LankyMofo wrote:

[quote]chillain wrote:
but I def do still subscribe to that “… then she was never really yours to begin with” mindset.

[/quote]

This is where people get it wrong in my opinion. At one point in time, the relationship could be flourishing and she really is “yours”. Then take a decade or two to grow apart and some guy “friend” starts paying her attention and that’s when the emotional cheating starts, which is just a gateway cheating to the physical cheating.

Nah mean?[/quote]

Well, if you guys grow apart, fault split equal, it wasn’t meant to be and just say “fuck it” let her go.

The you date chicks in their mid 20’s (half your age) who only want you for your walet and enjoy the filthly things they will do after a dinner at DelFrisco’s and a new Coach bag, lol.

God I’m a horrible person.

[quote]LankyMofo wrote:
This is where people get it wrong in my opinion. At one point in time, the relationship could be flourishing and she really is “yours”. Then take a decade or two to grow apart and some guy “friend” starts paying her attention and that’s when the emotional cheating starts, which is just a gateway cheating to the physical cheating.

Nah mean?[/quote]

There is always going to be some guy somewhere - work, school, hobbies, whatever - that she can form an emotional bond with when times get rough. That’s no reason to even try to ban having opposite sex friends. I don’t even see how this works. You have no right, as a boyfriend, to require your girlfriend to give up her friends. If you feel that a certain friend is taking advantage or is inappropriate, you can voice your concern. If a woman I were dating required me to stop contacting friends arbitrarily, I would drop her, instead. If you then get married, is this part of the vows? “To have and to hold, in sickness and health, giving up all friends of the opposite sex.”

You can’t protect yourself from everything. This is the relationship equivalent of removing monkey-bars from playgrounds. If you can’t trust a woman to be faithful to you, then don’t marry her.

My answer to this has changed as I have aged. When I was young, it would piss me off if a girlfriend spent a lot of time talking to her male friends. I had arguments with a girlfriend over this. She thought I was being an asshole for getting pissed. I suspected there was something more to it and I was right.

Now I have been married for a few decades I could care less. My wife can talk to whoever she wants. She is out having dinner with one of her male friends right now. I realize there is nothing you can do to stop it and if it goes beyond friendship that is just the way it is. Too many people have landed in jail or the cracker factory because of some chick lying to them.

To say I could care less at this point in my life is an understatement. People do what they are going to do. I know several guys who had wives who spent time with “friends” and it turned into a mess for them. They took it hard and some never recovered. The ones that did have the same attitude as I do.

[quote]LankyMofo wrote:
This is where people get it wrong in my opinion. At one point in time, the relationship could be flourishing and she really is “yours”. Then take a decade or two to grow apart and some guy “friend” starts paying her attention and that’s when the emotional cheating starts, which is just a gateway cheating to the physical cheating.

Nah mean?[/quote]

I do get what you mean, but I also don’t see “growing apart” as an even remotely acceptable part of exchanging wedding vows. (I’m not married btw)

Elsewise, CB and Neph really killed it on this page, can’t add anything further.

I look at this way:

If she is cheating me and she don’t wants me to know, that’s fine. What I don’t know doesn’t hurt me. I just hope the other guy had a condom. That wouldn’t be the first time in the existence of man.

If I find out that means our relationship is over. She is not the person I tough she was and I don’t want to have a relationship with those kind of people.

I wouldn’t have a relationship with a women just to have sex on a regular basis. What is the point? It’s more fun with multiple partners and to have the thrill of the chase. But since I am a low-T, low libido guy so I would rather have the meaningful (I think) relationship.