Do you guys see those weird symbols getting shoved in between my range numbers on my previous posts? hmm... strange.
I really sense you guys have a good interest in helping me. I appreciate it. :] I feel like I have almost ALWAYS had a cloudy mind and low energy. (these are my 2 main symptoms), I've tried everything and it doesn't seem like I can change, maybe this is naturally how everyone else is also and I think it's odd??? I don't know what else to do, and feel hopeless. I honestly don't feel like I claim the title for depression. I'm now very happy when around others and have overcame a lot of anxiety during the last few years of my life that has to do from young - being extremely shy (hiding at my birthday party because I hated the attention), stage fright, and just being anti-social, etc.
Please note these are all gone(mainly) and I've built a lot of self importance mostly during the last year of my life, especially finding out weight training is a destined hobby and career that I want to fulfill for the rest of my life. It has helped me grow not only my body but throughout my conscience and most definitely maturity. I've been lifting seriously for a few months.
I've had no real problems regarding sexual activity that I can say (getting it up).
I did have varicosity in my testicles (Varicocele is the medical term?) doc found this during a physical in 2011. My most recent physical was a few days ago, he said everything looks normal and says it's gone down but that it's still present. This wasn't even something I remembered mentioning or being anxious over; mainly because nothing hurts now (or before?) and it's not exactly a noticeable thing.
Stats as requested -
I stopped growing in height around 15 and a half. I'll be 19 in 21 days.
You asked what I think might have damaged my hormones? I always try to eat great and be extremely health conscious.
- My BMI has been all over the chart growing up. I was a fat, barely any muscle 190lb 13 year old, it's insane thinking back on this. I'm 18, much taller, less weight, and much more muscle, and still don't touch 190lb. Jeeze. This was my peak and when I knew being fat wasn't at all good looking or healthy - I will never catch a girlfriend or get my first kiss, I will never take my shirt off at the pool or beach, or be able to shake someones hand and them to look at me with out talking crap in their head.
- I recently (few months ago) quit smoking weed, It wasn't a chronic (non-intended pun lol) thing, very on and off most nights with friends sharing a joint or blunt. I did this for about a year. Never got into tobacco, dipping or alcohol, and probably never will. I have seen the effect of these things on people close to me.
- My dad passed away when I was 5. I never really knew him, so it didn't hit me like my older brother and mom. I know this probably doesn't need to be here, but the reason is he used to lift and confirmed by my mom he did use AAS, and also ate extremely shitty (supposedly) which contributed to his death.
He had a heart attack while in his hotel room after the gym (could he have been pinning or something related? idfk) also, does AAS have an impact on passed down genetics?
- I ran a small un-educated cycle of Anavar a few months ago to aide me in cutting fat which I have had a tremendous amount of trouble (another symptom?) with. I didn't feel anything superior on or after I came off cycle. Didn't run a PCT(other than a test booster supp), because of it's mildness and basically this not being anything close to a real cycle. No shutdown. I know I wasted my money, I know it was a mindless move. I just wanted to experience what a good anavar pump felt like and I never experienced that - hi karma!
--------> Sorry for all this writing. you asked questions and I answered them to the best of my ability :). I hope I am not coming across as cocky or too down about myself. I just feel I had a sorta crappy adolescence, and I HATTEE(emphasis on hate) myself for saying this because I know there are children with out families, with out limbs, children and people dying of cancer and terminal illnesses every god damn day who will never get to see the outside of their stupid crap dead beat hospital room for crying out loud. I freaking hate it. Fortunately this is what we're given and we just have make the best of it.
I didn't even cry when my father passed away and here I am tearing all over my laptop LOL just writing this and thinking back on my life. Thank you for taking your time to help me out.