T Nation

Do Meatheads Dream of Iron Sheep?


Two area clubs have approached me for bouncing work that have real problems with fighting, but they aren’t interested in meeting my terms. My instructor and I are more than happy to clean up any bar in the area for $50 an hour each, plus full medical coverage for any injuries sustained. But these places insist on hiring knuckleheads for $20 an hour cash who can’t fight for shit and don’t know how to de-escalate either.

If they want serious men to handle violence with a measured response they need to pay serious money, but they won’t so they will keep on having brawls that get out of hand and lawsuits and assault charges brought against their knucklehead bouncers that they pay under the table.

Not a team I want to be part of. Handling the antics at my neighborhood bar for $25 an hour suits me just fine, and I still have a gig at an upscale place with zero violence problems that pays $30 an hour, plus I’m covered on both places insurance. I’ll stick with the easy money!


My brother Jon, may he RIP, was a “bouncer” at 42nd Street Bar in Palo Alto in 1983-1984 during his last two years at Stanford. You can imagine the clientele in downtown Palo Alto, home of Google, Yahoo, Facebook and the like.

Jon was 5’8" and 155 pounds, lol, and more of an ID checker than a bouncer. They always had a goon behind my brother. He was always so nice and witty that when he denied someone entry they felt blessed that they spent some time in his presence.

Or, they felt verbally eviscerated. it was always their choice.

The “goons” loved working with him because they never had to get up, Jon just handled it.

Nobody ever knew what an absolute psycho he was because he always defused things.

I suspect you do the same, but are capable of handling shit without a goon.


Ha, an extra goon sure would be helpful some nights. I do a good job denying entry. That’s always gone well and never resulted in a fight. Well, not when they are denied entry when they first arrive. I’ve denied re-entry a few times that didn’t go over so well. The key for me is to be polite and firm. I’m not sure I have your brother’s wit and charm and I don’t think anyone’s felt blessed if I don’t let them in, but I’m glad to get by on whatever diplomatic skills I have.

Things get hard to handle when I have to put hands on someone, which is what happens if they don’t want to leave, refuse to put their drink down and the discussion has gone on for more than a minute or so. That one minute or so is my internal politeness timer for a drunk person to process what’s happening, realize I’m serious and walk out under their own power. Things don’t get hard to handle because of that one guy, either. I can control any one person, or at least 99 percent of them, fairly easily. It’s what I call THE SWARM that’s a problem.

The swarm happens when people see a struggle, then a bunch of guys rush in to intervene. One of the things I hated about the guy who was working Wednesdays before me is that he’d just start clobbering people, which is the main (but not only) reason he’s not a bouncer anymore. Some people might assume I’m that type of bouncer too, and I can’t necessarily fault them for that. They don’t understand that a rear naked choke is just a control mechanism, let alone notice that I broke someones fall as I took them down so they didn’t hit the floor too hard.

They just see a struggle that their buddy is losing and assume I’m trying to hurt their friend. I never want to hurt anyone, but I might be putting them on their ass, controlling their arm in a Russian tie as I walk them out, or just tying them up from behind. Members of THE SWARM get in my way, try to peel my grip off of a guy, or get in between me and the guy I’m just trying to move out the door. This all makes the task at hand a lot harder than it needs to be.

Having some goon who could shoo those pests away and let me get the asshole out of the door would be wonderful, but I end up navigating the situation anyway and there haven’t been any bad outcomes lately, and never any that I had any real power to prevent.

It’s definitely more fun than configuring, maintaining and implementing ERP software, just doesn’t pay nearly as well!


Saturday 1/19/19

BJJ 90 min

TWO people ducked us this morning who said they’d show, so it was just my instructor and I training once again. I can’t believe people who agreed they’d train jiu jitsu at a bar last night wouldn’t follow through on the commitment they made when they were half in the bag.

As a side note, my instructor has the constitution of an ox. I only had four light beers so I was fine. He was double-fisting strong mixed drinks, asking a group of ladies “who needs to die tonight?” when they were talking about some asshole, and he stayed to close and uber’d it home. Still up early and ready to rumble!

Lots of rolling and flow rolling. Technique for the day was side clinch details and a takedown sequence that stems from the position. My instructor gets fancy with trapping my arm with an underhook that keeps my arm raised and then he cups his hand around my shoulder, but for this I’m just going to clinch up and bring their hips close. Controlling the hips is the key to making the basics of the sequence work.

Once you’re in the side clinch and have their hips close, you can switch back and forth from the inside leg trip to a knee bump takedown, but if both of them get stuffed you go for Ko Uchi Gari, which is a far-side foot attack. This was what we dove into today. The basic idea is to post your foot that’s on the front side of their body to their far side leg as they lift up their other leg to defend the inside leg trip. As you post your foot you’re also driving your body so that they have to go over your foot.

Lot’s of details to cover on this still, but the side clinch is such a great position so I want to explore this more.


Just thought I would throw this in. Doing Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training and they claim the postures they use stimulate different glands and the nervous system resulting in increased kundalini (energy). Most of the Kundalini instructors I know have a huge motor and just go and go and go.

I suspect your instructor has tapped into this.


@The_Myth That’s a distinct possibility. He’s into a lot of woo type stuff and I know he’s done his fair share of yoga. I was also astonished to watch that 180lb ball of muscle put down a 1/2 lb cheeseburger with two grilled cheese sandwiches for buns, an entire side of fries plus a foot long meatball sub on Friday.

But hey, the food’s pretty good at the bar I bounce at.


This sounds like a great idea!


It’s been a big seller so far! It’s called The Chucky, in honor of the main bouncer’s late brother.



It’s funny because the guy teaching my class claims the yogic lifestyle allows you to eat less, sleep less, so you can meditate more. He also calls lunch “eating meditation.” I suspect flow rolling is a form of meditation. Now, I call everything meditation. Walking meditation, smoking meditation, lifting meditation. Anything that gets you present and out of being a slave to the world is meditation.

However, pretty sure the quarter pounder with cheese I ate last night doesn’t qualify as a yogic lifestyle.


I make what many have called the best cheeseburger they’ve ever had, which is basically a midwestern style smashed burger over high heat on a cast iron pan. It’s all about the caramelized crust.

I had my instructor and his girlfriend over for dinner one night. He ate six of them, including two doubles. Probably close to 2lbs of meat. Plus bunch of home fried potatoes and probably 10 beers.

He’s not quite six pack lean, but his engine obviously burns really hot.


Sounds delish! Now I want a burger :confused:


I shamelessly copied the methods of my favorite childhood burger joint, Schoops. There’s nothing like it in Maine, so everyone who has one is blown away by it.

This isn’t my burger, but I grill the meat exactly the same. Simple bun, american cheese and an array of toppings. I like them with very thinly sliced vidalia onions that you steam on top of the burger as soon as you flip it, then put the cheese slice over it. Ketchup and mustard too. Lettuce and tomato works great too, and I also do a copycat west coast in and out animal style sauce with shredded lettuce and pickle.

I’ve actually given serious thought to opening up a burger shack and leaving the rat race of white collar work. I’d probably still be a bouncer though!


I think you should! Everybody likes a good burger joint!
My local meat market sells good burger patties. My fave is a cheesy garlic pork burger. Mmm…mmm…


It’s been on my mind a lot lately. I keep making them for people and everyone loves them. One of the competitive advantages of a smashed burger is the cooking time is very low, so you can just crank them out on a big flat-top grill. The whole method involves very high heat and maximizing the surface area of the meat, so they cook in just a couple of minutes.

The problem is I don’t know anything about running a restaurant. I’d also want really good fries to serve, and I don’t know much about those either. If I were to open a place in my working-class town, I’d like to keep it at $6 or less for a cheeseburger, fries and a fountain soda. I have no idea if that’s viable or not.

I’d probably need to hit one of my ex-girlfriends up for help with a business plan!


More simple smashed burger porn. Caramelized crust overhanging the bun is the definitive feature!

Image result for schoops cheeseburgers|550x346


Well, my uncle built a very successful BBQ joint at his tire shop because he got tired if eating DQ. He couldn’t even boil water! Lol

I am skeptical if you would make out on the price. All depends on your overhead.

The fries are pretty simple. Just a commercial fry cutter (available on amazon), a big bag of potatoes, and a fryer. Homemade are a better draw than anything frozen. Just leave the skin on and wash the crap out of them.

Specialty burgers are big so leave room for plentybof options for add ons. That where you can add the profit on. :wink:


I’m stewing on the idea and perfecting my various topping combinations. Caramelized onions and the in-and-out copycat sauce are another combination that is pretty damn incredible.

On a related note, I’ve mysteriously failed to lose any weight recently.


You definitely have to taste test before recommending them :grin:


Have you considered a food trailer? They are all rage down here. Very little overhead.


YES! Food truck/trailer is probably how I’d do it if I did it!