Do Meatheads Dream of Iron Sheep?

Wednesday 10/18/17

BJJ 90 min

Headed over to my brown belt friend’s house for some rolls. Lots of taps from me but I made some good escapes and got a “technical” tap on him. He’s got a little bell on the wall and if you ring it from the bottom, you win. I’m the only one who’s rung it on him, and this is the second time I’ve used it.

The idea is to throw a little x-factor into the mix and force people to think outside the grappling match, because in the real world there will almost always be things you need to pay attention to outside of the person you’re actively fighting.

A friend of his showed up and did some grappling with us. He’s the owner of the karate school we sometimes train at, and also a local bouncer. He didn’t ask for a roll but he’s right to be wary of rolling with large white belts he doesn’t know. I don’t take it personally.

Technique for the day was guard-passing to knee-on-belly. Good lord. I’m going to make people miserable with knee-on-belly. Lots to learn but I’ve got the basic idea down. For self-defense in the street, it might be the best all-around dominant position. You’ve got a lot of attacks, you’re mobile and you can pay attention to the buddies of whoever you’ve got pinned.

I’m also picking up Wednesdays back at the bar again. Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!

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Friday 10/20/17

BJJ 90 min

Open mat at the gym. Players from three different schools showed up and a good time was had.

Highlights include tapping the same blue belt from another school again, showing that last week was no fluke. He got me twice, showing that he’s not about to roll over and play dead either.

I got a few rolls in with our new and athletic white belt, along with getting a new takedown to work very well on him. I love this takedown you just fall back and trip them with your leg outstretched leg as you’re pulling them towards you, but mostly towards your outstretched leg. Probably only high-percentage on people who don’t know what they’re doing, but that’s true for a lot of takedowns.

He’s a handful, as 180 pound 25 year olds with a lot of muscle can be. But I’m still dominating him from top and bottom, and he’s still eating it all up. I have high hopes for this young man.

My rolls with the upper belts continue to improve and I’m making better and better escapes. I escaped our senior purple belt’s knee-on-belly and went right into a single-leg takedown, taking side control on him.

I’m starting to feel things click more and more. The fog continues to lift.

I’m also developing cauliflower ear, and I rolled in headgear for the first time tonight. I don’t need freak ears so I’m draining it and doing whatever I can to make sure it doesn’t get bad, including sticking with headgear (which I don’t like) until it doesn’t hurt anymore.

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Wednesday 10/25/17

BJJ 60 min

Open mat at my brown belt friend’s house.

Just got a few quick rolls in. Three others showed up and I rolled with two of them. I got tapped a lot, but I tapped one of the white belts with pressure from a back control escape. He’ll need to learn how to endure that if he ever wants to get promoted at his school!

Technique was refining the takedown I was using on my white belt friend last Friday. This was making my knee bark and time was short so I only drilled it a few times. I was also complimented on my takedown defense, which continues to improve.

Bouncing tonight, let’s see what kind of crazies come out of the woodwork!

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@biker I’m out of retirement, at least for now. As a favor. Here’s a bouncing story for you that just happened a few hours ago.

Wednesday 10/26/17

Bouncing 270 minutes

Grand fuckery was afoot tonight. I’m not a superstitious man, but I knew - KNEW - about 10 minutes into my shift that it was going to get rowdy. It was almost like the humid air was holding and amplifying tension throughout the whole bar. I could feel it. I was right.

I tossed five people in total tonight. I told one guy he was cut off, he looked like he was leaving and then I went back outside to check on him. He didn’t wan’t to leave, he wanted to FIGHT! Fuck yes!!! He was a fat little weakling but he was much larger and not nearly as weak as his friends who were holding him back, so he managed to break free and charged at me. With great delight I closed the distance, clinched him and slammed him up against a wall. I was going to move to a takedown next but I was surrounded by about five guys who probably figured I was going to beat him senseless.

That was never my plan. More on that later.

In an impolite tone, I told his friends to get him off of the property. This dumb motherfucker wasn’t having it though, and he kept trying to come at me. I beckoned to him, urging his friends to let him go so we could see what happens next. They didn’t, and managed to get him across the lot. They still weren’t off the property so I followed them out until the police showed up when a neighbor called to complain about the street fighting.

This dumbass greeted the cops with “Fuck you guys!”, and he didn’t need to do much more to convince them to take him away for drunk and disorderly. I knew the cops and told them what happened, making specific note that I did NOT hit him or hurt him during the brief manhandling I gave him. I also noted to them that he was completely unable to inflict any harm on me, and assault should not be among the charges brought.

After telling the cop I didn’t hit him, he pointed out to me that I totally could have, almost as if he was encouraging me to be a little more violent. I’ll keep it under consideration, but I’m pleased with the outcome of a drunk fucker in jail and a completely safe everyone else.

I really hate it when people get involved in my bouncer business. I might enjoy the chance to practice some jiu jitsu on drunk people, but I have absolutely no intention of hurting anyone unless I’m in real danger, which I was not tonight. Truth be told, if they would have let the dumb fuck charge me I would have put him on the ground and gone to work on his drunk and clumsy ass. This would not have involved injuring him, but it might have purged the thoughts of dumbassery from his head if I had him mounted and pinned with maybe an arm lock or some knee-on-belly to get the point across. Maybe he leaves quietly after that, maybe not. No way to know, but I’d prefer NOT trying to reason with and control a whole group of buzzed dudes who want to get involved in my bouncer business.

Instead of a realized jiu jitsu daydream of mine that could have been resolved in 10 or 15 seconds, we had about 10 minutes of this guy being a total drunken fuckhead while he wrestled with his buddies in the street. The neighbors called the cops because of the large and loud group of drunk people loudly fighting in the street. Of course they did. Duh. Now he’s in jail, the dumb fuck.

There was another fight that I wasn’t involved in, and another almost fight that could have gotten really ugly. The details of those events are interesting too, but I’m done with with my bouncing recap for the night. Time for a whiskey and bed.

I have to admit. I really love this shit.

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Outstanding story. Kept your cool and threatened well. Most guy tend to back down if you stare at them when you’re talking (so you can react if they start moving to hit). And you got the point across. Of course it would have been fun to have used some of your jiu jitsu stuff on a drunk.

You’re smart and cool headed, but this was really a great adventure.

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Cool story, 'bro.

…I’ve always wanted to say that w/o the intended sarcasm. Nicely done. It’s always the stupid people that actually want to start fights.

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@biker I’m glad you enjoyed it. You were the first person I thought of when I got home from the shift, so I went right to my keyboard. It was a good adventure indeed. I realize bouncing has its risks, but so does walking out your door. I’m a peaceful man, but there’s something about handling violent assholes that presses all of the buttons in my lizard brain.

@punnyguy Thanks and you are absolutely right. This particular stupid guy was The Total Package. Let’s run down the list…

Cheaply-done full-sleeve arm tattoos… Check.
10 year-old pickup with macho stickers all over it, a 6 inch lift and obnoxiously loud exhaust… Check.
Facebook profile full of images and posts declaring how masculine he is… Check.
Horribly out-of-shape… Check.
Propensity for violence… Check.
No self-control… Check.

He did have a set of balls on him, I’ll give him that. He was definitely up for a game of fighting, which is why I feel a little bit cheated by his attending douchebags who prevented me from taking him down. I was really looking forward to putting my skills into practice on a large man who meant me harm. I did to an extent, since I had him under control the second I put my hands on him, but I still wanted that guy on the ground with my knee in his belly.

Controlling one person is definitely a strong point of mine now. Controlling one drunk person and several of his buddies, not so much. Not by myself at least, which is why I made sure to thank each one of the boys in blue who came out to resolve the situation.

Halloween party is tomorrow, let’s see what sort of events that serves up!

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Like you’ll top that adventure. Stay calm regardless.

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@biker Well I worked last night and no notable adventures took place, just a fun Halloween party.

I also rolled before my shift.

Friday 10/27/17

BJJ 60 min

Open mat

I just rolled with everyone in the room a few times since I had to bounce later. More progress all around. I nearly caught my brown belt friend with a few different takedowns, but not quite. My biggest mistake was taking side control on our senior purple belt and then giving it right up because I didn’t have underhooks in to stop him from shrimping out. Left that door wide open. All good rolls!

I’m eager to resume regular classes in November. October has mostly been open mats and home training at my brown belt friend’s house, which is all great. More of that kind of training in November for sure, along with regular classes. I definitely need more drilling. Back to school!

Sunday 10/29/17

BJJ 90 min

Open mat at my brown belt friend’s house. I was the only one who showed, so another private lesson. Technique for the day built on my mildly violent encounter on my Wednesday shift, so the subject was stand-up moves to use on assholes.

First up was a simple arm-drag to street choke. This is low-percentage against a well-trained opponent, but can be very high-percentage when used on drunk assholes who don’t know how to fight. This is especially true when considering the high likelihood that I will have significant size, strength and skill advantages.

Arm drag the asshole, pulling both toward you and up to help unbalance them. Then you push their lower back away and very quickly claw their face up, like a hockey goalie taking the mask off. This is not a move to tickle the other person with, it is violent, sudden and savage. Beards are in right now, so grab that beard to give up the neck and get the rear naked choke locked in. From there it can be good to put them on the ground and get a knee in their back, especially if someone’s taller than you.

Next up was side clinch to bait them into the classic asshole move, headlocking you. Then we escape the the headlock either by posting on the back of the locking arm and posturing up or “cleaning (as in power clean)” the opposite arm and also posturing up. From there we take the back for the choke or work a takedown.

Rolling was mostly just flow rolling and making each other work for the takedown. I’m getting better at defending the takedowns but this guy always finds a way. I’m becoming increasingly problematic for lower belts to put on the ground.

Like we often do, we stopped when confronted with an interesting scenario to drill more technique. Today was guard passing by pinning their legs and moving into side control 1 (both arms wrapped around thighs/hips. Or keep one arm stapling the near leg to the ground and slide my other arm up, slowly slowly slowly working my way up their body while keeping pressure on and taking away space for underhooks.

Underhooks are so key to BJJ, and I’ve been leaving a barn door wide open when taking side control for my opponent to get an underhook on my far side arm and make the escape. This pass helps prevent that and helps reinforce the concept of defending the underhook from ever being established.

This was an exhausting session. It is hard to say how awesome it is to be friends with this guy. How many BJJ white belt students luck into a high-level dude who just loves to train and opens his doors to anyone?

I also learned that I’m in a LOT of guys’ heads right now, at a few different area schools. Apparently upper belts don’t like losing to one-stripe white belts, and the kid gloves have been off with me for some time now. I’m totally fine with that and I’m obviously well aware that my attributes are a huge part of what makes me a formidable opponent for the mid-level guys. I’m a good consistent student but I’m not some BJJ prodigy. I’m just what happens when a very large, very strong and moderately athletic guy trains hard and consistently with good instructors all around me.

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Wednesday 11/1/17

BJJ 60 min

Maine’s been closed down for a few days so not much training while the power is out. Today we did something a little different. My brown belt friend volunteers with a local organization for under-privileged and at-risk youth, and he’s turning Wednesdays into free training for any of the kids from the program. The invite also goes out to some of his open training buddies. I had the privilege of being the uke all night, since these children are not used to being grabbed and thrown…

…yet.

No rolling, all technique. Starting with basic footwork. Shuffle your feet and move your head. Don’t cross the feet. Next up was dive-and-clinch, followed by a simple takedown. From there it was basic guard passing to knee-on-belly. Finally we worked the rear naked choke a little bit, just to give the kids a taste of submission work.

No rolling today, a karate class follows us up and the focus of the day is getting new students acclimated to some basic concepts. Great stuff and I’m glad to be a part of it!

Bouncing tonight, should be a slow night since everyone’s hung over from Halloween partying, but you never know what sort of crazies will wander into the bar. Especially since it is the first of the month!

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Early Thursday morning, 11/2/17

Bouncing 270 minutes

Everyone had a good time, nobody got hurt and I got a $20 tip from a regular who appreciates what I bring to the job. Everyone filed out early with no fuckery, so I took advantage of the shift drink benefit with a double Jack Daniels on the rocks.

That concludes this week’s episode of Adventures in Dive Bar Bouncing.

@biker Be sure to tune in next week!

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LIke we wouldn’t.

Friday 11/3/17

BJJ 120 min

The grand-daddy of my gym’s BJJ lineage, six-stripe black belt Marcelo Alonso, stopped by to give us a seminar on armbars. I probably did at least one hundred armbars tonight, maybe twice that. I wasn’t counting, I was just working. The cranky old Brazilian man leading the class left me no choice but to work.

Let’s get warmed up, the professor declared.
Just a few armbars, and we were ensnared.
Here’s three from mount, the master did tell.
And another from back, he showed us as well.
When mounted from side, you need not worry.
Just follow his steps, you’ll win in a hurry.
Do it all over, again and again.
Keep at it for years, you’ll get it all then.
Be good to each other, and train with great heart.
Move forth the knowledge, and appreciate your part.
Jiu Jitsu is love, and spread it we shall.
So how about a roll, great buddy, great pal?

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Haha good job mate. How come the granddaddy turned up?

Because he loves us all and shows up at least twice a year to teach class.

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Sunday 11/5/17

BJJ 60 min

A pro fighter with Bellator MMA invited me to train at his gym today, so I did. This was my first taste of no gi grappling. He tapped me 3 times in the first 5 minutes, but I suppose I can’t feel too bad about losing to a guy who gets paid well to fight. I rolled with his training partner too and did much better, insomuch as I withstood 4.5 minutes of him before he tapped me out. Not bad for my first foray into no-gi rolling with guys who’ve got 8 or 9 years on the mats.

I’ve got a standing invite to train with them on Sunday afternoon. I like the idea of being cool with all of the area gyms and training with as many different people as I can.

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You’re reaching your stride.

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Thanks @biker!

Wednesday 11/8/17

BJJ 60 min

Only me and a blue belt showed up for a class that’s supposed to be for kids, so we just got a small class from our brown belt friend.

Guard passing from the tight pass position was the name of the game today. First you need to get into position.

Assuming the guy is on his back and using his feet to kick you and/or keep you away, you need to close the distance. Take a BIG step forward like you’re going to slam your foot into his nuts. You don’t actually want to do this, but he’ll probably think that’s what you’re doing. What you’re actually doing is planting your foot against his hips and using your hands to manage any kicks that come your way, then dropping down in one motion into the tight pass position.

From there you have three options, knee slice pass each way with underhooks on the opposite leg and the nasty - NASTY stack pass. The stack pass I’m getting better at, and the key is to keep power cleaning their body up to you until your face is basically in their asshole, then sprawl. With my weight this will be horrible, horrible to endure and the opponent will basically ask you to retake side control one side or the other. Go where they guide you and continue the smash until victory or Valhalla.

We also worked an escape from side control 1 that this guy picked up from his private lesson with my other instructor’s instructor, six stripe black belt Marcelo Alonso. I honestly don’t remember all of the details but you roll to your side, stuff their face with your hand that’s closest to the mat, then swim your other hand around theirs to grab the back of your neck, then you sort of butterfly sweep your legs back into guard. The smaller guys had an easier time with this, but I shouldn’t throw this away at all because side control 1 is basically impossible to escape otherwise (its also a position without many attacks, but having an escape is always a good card to have in your deck).

No rolling, just a solid hour of drilling. Bouncing in an hour, lets see who crawls out of the woodwork now that the cold weather is rolling in.

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Wednesday 11/9/17

Bouncing 270 min

It was a crisp 23 degrees outside tonight. Not many people ventured out to drink tonight, let alone fight the bouncer.

High point of the night was a regular who works as a shot girl at Portland’s premiere strip club encouraging me to apply as a bouncer where she works.

That might be fun, and you can get a lot of tips. I’m not ruling it out, and I may take a ride over there with her in the next week or so to find out more.

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