Written by FSU journalist Brendan Murphy:
Soft and smooth
by Brendan Murphy
October 14, 2004
I am a metrosexual.
Every morning when I wake up, I can’t wait to get in the shower. The first thing I do is shave my arms, legs and chest to keep them soft and smooth. I then wash my hair with only the finest shampoo and conditioner to make sure my hair does not frizz or dry out. Body wash? Oh I love my body wash. It has sea salt in it to remove dead skin, keeping my skin looking soft and smooth. When I’m done washing, I apply body oil to achieve a certain glow. Then comes the fun part.
I dry off and it’s time to groom myself. Shaving my face is fun; not as fun as shaving my legs, but I must do it. Hair is gross. Except for the hair on my head. Oh how I love the hair on my head. Thank God I have all these wonderful products I bought from the salon. I first massage gel throughout my hair to create texture. Then, I heat up wax with my hair dryer and spike my hair as high as possible. I must make sure to use plenty of wax, because I wouldn’t want wind or any other force of Mother Nature affecting my hair. It all starts with the hair, trust me bro.
Now it’s time to get dressed. I put on a shirt, but it’s not tight enough. I must show off my “broceps.” I also try to match my shirt with my eyes, that way when the babes look at me, I can hypnotize them. What about my jeans? I thought you’d ask. Diesel jeans are the only way to go. Sure the jeans cost upwards of $200, but this is my image we’re talking about. No screwing around.
Before I go make breakfast I must examine my abs. I lift up my shirt and I have a four-pack, not a six-pack. What the hell happened? Looks like I must work harder in the gym. I must eat good, as well. I look in the fridge and there’s my roommate’s pizza. How can he eat that? It’s all fat. I’ll have oatmeal. Sure it’s gross, but looking like this takes discipline.
Now it’s time for school. I get in my BMW and put on only the trendiest sunglasses. You know, those ones you can also wear at the club. I adjust my rearview mirror, not to see better, but to take one last glimpse at the beautiful specimen I am.
Now I’m at school. I walk toward the Rovetta Business Building and I can’t help but notice all the women looking at me. I think to myself, “I’ll see you later at the club, and eventually in my bed.” Yup, that’s right. It’s that easy.
Class time is a time for flexing my broceps for the ladies. I don’t work this hard at the gym for nothing. I don’t learn anything, but I don’t need to. I look good and that’s all I need to succeed in life.
Finally school’s over! I just want to go to the gym, and after that, I have an appointment for my spray tanning. Here’s a tip for all those guys out there having trouble landing women. Keep a tan year-round and they’ll love you. Trust me.
Here comes the best part of the day: The pre-club routine. Ready for this?
First I play some energetic music to dance to while I get ready. Suggestion for others? “Here comes the four to the five to the six. Errrrybody in da club getting tipsy.” I don’t know what it’s called, but it really gets the mojo going.
Next I repeat my showering routine and get dressed for the club. This is the time I get to choose the most broish shirt for the club. A broish shirt is a button-down shirt with at least three buttons open revealing my chest muscles. If it were two buttons it would be a semi-broish shirt. Four buttons, a majorly-broish shirt; and so on. Get it. You will.
Cologne. Here’s where the difference is made. You know those Old Spice commercials that say, “Scent is the strongest sense tied to memory?,” well, advertising doesn’t lie. In fact, without advertising I wouldn’t know the latest trends, and we can’t have that, now can we?
My cologne is called “Bromantic Confessions.” They call it this because at the end of the night when the club closes, women confess their sexual desires to the men that wear the cologne. Works every time. Maybe the cologne has those pheromones in it, or I’m just that hot. I think I’m that hot.
So I got the broish shirt and the bromantic cologne, now I can finally go to the club. Late Night Library here I come.
I arrive and park my BMW in the front so everyone can see me get out of my car. The walk into the club could be the most important part of the evening. I must walk with confidence. When you look this good you must understand that there is always at least one person looking at you. Got it?
When I’m finally in the club I order myself a Bacardi and Diet Coke. Remember to eliminate calories whenever you can.
After I get my drink, it’s off to the dance floor for the rest of the night. This is the time to pick the hottest girl in da club and grind her from behind. Everyone knows the grind right? When you basically hump the girl and occasionally get a hard-on. Today people consider this dancing. I consider it pre-gaming for the events later. But if I’m lucky, there won’t just be one girl, but two. This happens often.
Now it’s time to go home, and I’ve got a hot honey. She’ll sleep over, and the best part for her is, when we’re hooking up, she can stare at my body from all angles since my room is a hall of mirrors.
The next day I’ll drive her home and I don’t need to call her, because she’ll call me. I’m beautiful, and now it’s time for my morning shower, and I can’t wait to feel soft and smooth.