T Nation

Disturbing Article


#1

Written by FSU journalist Brendan Murphy:

Soft and smooth
by Brendan Murphy

October 14, 2004

I am a metrosexual.

Every morning when I wake up, I can't wait to get in the shower. The first thing I do is shave my arms, legs and chest to keep them soft and smooth. I then wash my hair with only the finest shampoo and conditioner to make sure my hair does not frizz or dry out. Body wash? Oh I love my body wash. It has sea salt in it to remove dead skin, keeping my skin looking soft and smooth. When I'm done washing, I apply body oil to achieve a certain glow. Then comes the fun part.

I dry off and it's time to groom myself. Shaving my face is fun; not as fun as shaving my legs, but I must do it. Hair is gross. Except for the hair on my head. Oh how I love the hair on my head. Thank God I have all these wonderful products I bought from the salon. I first massage gel throughout my hair to create texture. Then, I heat up wax with my hair dryer and spike my hair as high as possible. I must make sure to use plenty of wax, because I wouldn't want wind or any other force of Mother Nature affecting my hair. It all starts with the hair, trust me bro.

Now it's time to get dressed. I put on a shirt, but it's not tight enough. I must show off my "broceps." I also try to match my shirt with my eyes, that way when the babes look at me, I can hypnotize them. What about my jeans? I thought you'd ask. Diesel jeans are the only way to go. Sure the jeans cost upwards of $200, but this is my image we're talking about. No screwing around.

Before I go make breakfast I must examine my abs. I lift up my shirt and I have a four-pack, not a six-pack. What the hell happened? Looks like I must work harder in the gym. I must eat good, as well. I look in the fridge and there's my roommate's pizza. How can he eat that? It's all fat. I'll have oatmeal. Sure it's gross, but looking like this takes discipline.

Now it's time for school. I get in my BMW and put on only the trendiest sunglasses. You know, those ones you can also wear at the club. I adjust my rearview mirror, not to see better, but to take one last glimpse at the beautiful specimen I am.

Now I'm at school. I walk toward the Rovetta Business Building and I can't help but notice all the women looking at me. I think to myself, "I'll see you later at the club, and eventually in my bed." Yup, that's right. It's that easy.

Class time is a time for flexing my broceps for the ladies. I don't work this hard at the gym for nothing. I don't learn anything, but I don't need to. I look good and that's all I need to succeed in life.

Finally school's over! I just want to go to the gym, and after that, I have an appointment for my spray tanning. Here's a tip for all those guys out there having trouble landing women. Keep a tan year-round and they'll love you. Trust me.

Here comes the best part of the day: The pre-club routine. Ready for this?

First I play some energetic music to dance to while I get ready. Suggestion for others? "Here comes the four to the five to the six. Errrrybody in da club getting tipsy." I don't know what it's called, but it really gets the mojo going.

Next I repeat my showering routine and get dressed for the club. This is the time I get to choose the most broish shirt for the club. A broish shirt is a button-down shirt with at least three buttons open revealing my chest muscles. If it were two buttons it would be a semi-broish shirt. Four buttons, a majorly-broish shirt; and so on. Get it. You will.

Cologne. Here's where the difference is made. You know those Old Spice commercials that say, "Scent is the strongest sense tied to memory?," well, advertising doesn't lie. In fact, without advertising I wouldn't know the latest trends, and we can't have that, now can we?

My cologne is called "Bromantic Confessions." They call it this because at the end of the night when the club closes, women confess their sexual desires to the men that wear the cologne. Works every time. Maybe the cologne has those pheromones in it, or I'm just that hot. I think I'm that hot.

So I got the broish shirt and the bromantic cologne, now I can finally go to the club. Late Night Library here I come.

I arrive and park my BMW in the front so everyone can see me get out of my car. The walk into the club could be the most important part of the evening. I must walk with confidence. When you look this good you must understand that there is always at least one person looking at you. Got it?

When I'm finally in the club I order myself a Bacardi and Diet Coke. Remember to eliminate calories whenever you can.

After I get my drink, it's off to the dance floor for the rest of the night. This is the time to pick the hottest girl in da club and grind her from behind. Everyone knows the grind right? When you basically hump the girl and occasionally get a hard-on. Today people consider this dancing. I consider it pre-gaming for the events later. But if I'm lucky, there won't just be one girl, but two. This happens often.

Now it's time to go home, and I've got a hot honey. She'll sleep over, and the best part for her is, when we're hooking up, she can stare at my body from all angles since my room is a hall of mirrors.

The next day I'll drive her home and I don't need to call her, because she'll call me. I'm beautiful, and now it's time for my morning shower, and I can't wait to feel soft and smooth.


#2

i love being in the shower. ever seen that seinfeld when kramer got the waterproof phone and decided to live in the shower ? then he got a garbage disposal hooked up into the shower drain so he could prepare all his food in the shower ? it would be nice to stuff that metro's head into said shower garbage-grinder-drain to see what it does for his hair.


#3

I think I'm dry now.


#4

I must have ADD, because I just can't read posts that long in their entirety.

\|/ 3Toes


#5

Chinadoll,

Is that towel dry or something else?Can understand why you'd be turned off by the rampant narcissism of the post.Do women find that type of arrogance attractive?


#6

Did anybody else notice his writing style was terrible?

If there's one thing I've learned, you'll never get chicks if you don't know how to write...

go fsu


#7

Apparently yes.

But thanks god, it excludes most t-vixen..

Right?


#8

Bro,

Thanks for that brotastic article. I'm going to the gym to work my brocepts immediately.


#9

Hey Harry~

That would be "something else" dry :wink:

I find the kind of guy in the article a cartoon- and there's lots of them out there. LOTS. My poor single girlfriends! In answer to the question if women find that kind of arrogance attractive...I can speak for myself-- NO. Bleeeeech! BUT, if you go to clubs and social type of enfvironments, many women tend to flock around those kids of guys...Why? I have no idea!


#10

I can't tell if the whole article is sarcastic toward these types of individuals or serious.


#11

my favorite part: "she can stare at my body from all angles since my room is a hall of mirrors"

lmao


#12

I was wondering the same thing, but I'm sure he's fucking with the metros. He hasd to be. There is no way this is serious.


#13

Bah.

I hate the mornings. I get up, trip over the TheraBand tied to my bed leg, slam down the snooze button on my alarm, and balance precariously on the spinning surface of the earth as I make my way to the toilet room.

Exactly nine minutes after I get up, about 4:39ish, my alarm goes off again whilst I'm in the middle stages of a 7 stage dump.

I wipe, wash hands, and go fix breakfast - either a sooper-smooth Grow! shake or some eggs and oatmeal and orange juice. I finish breakfast, read the mornin' funnies, and stretch. I then get all my clothes out to the truck and warm it up, dress in my proper gym attire, and head to the iron place.

I warm up with some karate so I can have those super cool moves for the ladies. Then, I hit the weights. Then, I stretch. Then, I hit the showers, chugging down Surge.

I realize I forgot my fucking soap. But, it's okay - body wash kicks ass. Instead of putting the drop of shampoo on my head (close-guard shave all over) I can just drizzle the super-cool smellin' Axe from my head to my shoulders, and rub that stuff in. Don't even need to repeat.

Then, I dry off, get in my clothes, and drive 50 minutes to school.

I sit in classes all day not hittin' on da ladies - my first class, all the chicks are super-manly. Second class, freshman - the not so fresh kind. Third class, too much smarter and more athletically good than me. Forth class, I'm trying to nail the Professor - she's a 6.7 out of 10, but fuck, I'm failing.

I drive 55 minutes to my brother's school, hit on his teacher, and drive him home. Then, I change clothes, and go to work.

This is where I really shine. I put on some black Skechers (cuz they fit my big-ass feet), my black pants, and my blue button-up shirt (seven buttons, so if you mention "bro-" and this shirt, I am allowed to wreck your shit). I spray on some Drakkar Noir and drive to work.

I get to work, hit on no ladies cuz they is all super-ugly (not my type, lesbian, or both, etc). I make enough money to buy my Surge and Grow! and porn, then I drive home. I eat a plate of food, read T-Nation, then lapse into a coma until my fucking alarm goes off again. Got to go to karate before I head to work.

Damn, I must be sexy.


#14

nice man, nice ...

Bastard


#15

Come on...........either this article is written by Wi......uy or someone pulling your leg. There are only two options.


#16

Cut him some slack. It's hard to write and perm your pubic hairs at the same time.


#17

It's got to be a joke obviously, 'cause shaving that often will dry you out like no-one's business, no olive/emu oil petroleum free moistureizer will bring you back from those depths...plus, how would you apply the required pre shave oil in the shower? It'd just rinse off. AND no discussion of shoes.

I call bullshit.

*(SATIRESATIRESATIRE)


#18

I think it is dripping with sarcasm. The only part I find truly disturbing is that going to the gym is included as part of what is being made fun of.


#19

Think about what someone of that ilk would be doing a the gym. Curls with 15's in the squat rack. Worshiping the Smith machine. Telling powerlifters their form on that dead of 650 was all wrong.

Its all satire, but all good satire is grounded in truth, sadly enough.


#20

It reminds me of this one guy who use to work out at the university gym.
In between sets ,hed always walk up within an inch from the mirror and start squeezing his zits and blackheads.
As soon as he got someones attention , hed look at them and say" Im a model ,...you know"