T Nation

Disliking People

without going too far into the back story pretty much first half of last year had a falling out with certain people which pretty much left me completely hating them and disliking the people that still chose to hang around them, long story short both performed a dog act and are happy that they did it.

Now It’s been almost 18 months since this has happened i cant let it go, when i see or hear about them it pretty much makes me feel sick to my stomach and well makes me angry, i think that feeling this way isn’t right and has pretty much stopped me from making any decent new relationships with people whether it be new girlfriends or just new mates to go have a beer with.

I’m aware that life moves on and everybody wont do the same thing but yet I still feel that way. I’m wondering if anyone else has had the same feelings towards others or if anyone has got any advice about this? I’ve spoken to friends about it but their advice is always just forget about it and I don’t want to sound like a whiny bitch. Too be honest this whole experience has left me depressed and even though I haven’t spoken to a doctor about it I do feel like I’m dealing with depression. I have spoken to my parents about it but they always just laugh it off and generally say something along the lines of your going to have days like this

for people that cant be bothered reading all this I’ll summarize

  1. 2 people dicked me, causing me to feel hatred towards them and people that pretty much chose their side
  2. Since this has been a long time I think I should be over these feelings so how do I get over them? or do you have any advice or similar experiences
  3. seeing a mental expert just isn’t feasible since I don’t really have the funds too pay for such treatment

thanks for reading this and I hope this doesn’t turn out too be a thread where I’m going to get ragged on for trying to reach out too people on this board for trying to get advice

Shit happens. Fuck em.
If they treat you badly, they’re not people you want to be around. So you’re that much better of w/o their presence. Use the anger as motivation to improve yourself in life or the gym, and use them as examples of what you will never be.

seriousness aside, you can’t be bothered by them if they’re dead…just sayin.

So your friends killed your dog or something and now you dislike every human being? I’m not sure what you’re asking but it sounds like you need to get out more and look for the good in people.

You are sensitive and please don’t take that the wrong way. It appears that you have a trusting nature and people let you down; you feel hurt and betrayed.

After viewing your profile, you are still very young. Your 20’s will be a big self-discovery time for you and during that time, you will come to find that not everyone is as good-willed as you would like them to be. Honestly, your feelings aren’t going to change at this point if you’ve hung onto the situation for this long. What you can change is how you react to these feelings. You already know that your response is excessive and that most would have gotten past this by now. This may not be what you want to hear. The others have probably moved on and the only way you’ll get past it is to just pick up and move on yourself and make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Going through these kinds of experiences are what builds character and inner strength. Make yourself a better person and learn from it. In the long-run, I believe these turmoils help us in life as they allow us to show empathy and compassion to others experiencing similar things.

Ask me how I know:) Been there, done that and it’s an ongoing process. You’ll get there it’s just a matter of not repeating the same mistakes over and over again before you learn.

[quote]MsM wrote:
You are sensitive and please don’t take that the wrong way. It appears that you have a trusting nature and people let you down; you feel hurt and betrayed.

After viewing your profile, you are still very young. Your 20’s will be a big self-discovery time for you and during that time, you will come to find that not everyone is as good-willed as you would like them to be. Honestly, your feelings aren’t going to change at this point if you’ve hung onto the situation for this long. What you can change is how you react to these feelings. You already know that your response is excessive and that most would have gotten past this by now. This may not be what you want to hear. The others have probably moved on and the only way you’ll get past it is to just pick up and move on yourself and make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Going through these kinds of experiences are what builds character and inner strength. Make yourself a better person and learn from it. In the long-run, I believe these turmoils help us in life as they allow us to show empathy and compassion to others experiencing similar things.

Ask me how I know:) Been there, done that and it’s an ongoing process. You’ll get there it’s just a matter of not repeating the same mistakes over and over again before you learn.

[/quote]

Good post.

That is why I’m so happy that I’m introverted. I can hang with society but most of the time I’m just happy doing my own thing. I’m probably one of the few people that could go into isolation and not become insane due to the lack of human contact.

Now for people who aren’t messed up like me…I’d suggest not putting faith in people too quickly. Make/Let them earn your trust and devotion. Join a club or something like intramural sports, reading, chess, math, rock climbing, etc. Nerds are usually pretty good friends…not the best at getting you teh ladies though.

I think we all get feelings that are disproportionate to the situation. Ghorig’s advice is good. Do what you can to develop in different directions. When you find something new to focus on, it’s easier to move the intense dislike/hate from the centre of your vision.

I would suggest, however, that you do what you can so that you don’t allow the situation to make you cynical or bitter. My friends think I’m a bit of an overtrusting Pollyanna. I do get burned from time to time but it really uses a lot less energy to generally think well of people than to distrust and wait for them to fuck you over. Most people won’t.

O

Same deal happened to me in the summer before highschool. Your best bet is probably let it and them go. After a while it will seem like you never even met those people.

I’m still bitter as hell about stuff that happened a long time ago, but after so long you’ve got to ask yourself if you’re letting it consume you too much. Yeah, it’s fine to dislike others who’ve wronged you. But don’t let your hate consume you too much.

[quote]MsM wrote:
You are sensitive and please don’t take that the wrong way. It appears that you have a trusting nature and people let you down; you feel hurt and betrayed.

After viewing your profile, you are still very young. Your 20’s will be a big self-discovery time for you and during that time, you will come to find that not everyone is as good-willed as you would like them to be. Honestly, your feelings aren’t going to change at this point if you’ve hung onto the situation for this long.

What you can change is how you react to these feelings. You already know that your response is excessive and that most would have gotten past this by now. This may not be what you want to hear. The others have probably moved on and the only way you’ll get past it is to just pick up and move on yourself and make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Going through these kinds of experiences are what builds character and inner strength. Make yourself a better person and learn from it. In the long-run, I believe these turmoils help us in life as they allow us to show empathy and compassion to others experiencing similar things.

Ask me how I know:) Been there, done that and it’s an ongoing process. You’ll get there it’s just a matter of not repeating the same mistakes over and over again before you learn.
[/quote]

I totally agree. In my humble opinion you will never be at peace with it until you learn to forgive them

[quote]jtg987 wrote:
without going too far into the back story pretty much first half of last year had a falling out with certain people which pretty much left me completely hating them and disliking the people that still chose to hang around them, long story short both performed a dog act and are happy that they did it.
[/quote]

Without going into details if you don’t feel like it, what’s the deal with “disliking the people that still chose to hang around them”? Did the people that still chose to hang around them do something to you beyond just still hanging around them?

Did the people that still chose to hang around them have any solid evidence of wrong-doing on the part of the people you (first) fell out with; or did you just demand that they take your word over the other people’s word and make a choice?

Here’s what I am getting at:

Many years ago, two people I associated with “X” and “Y” made conflicting claims about some events, where each claimed the other did wrong. I had no way of knowing who was telling the truth, and I refused to take sides. “X” found this unacceptable, and told me that if I did not take his side against “Y” then we (“X” and I) were no longer friends.

Sooooo … “X” and I were no longer friends.

[quote]Renton wrote:
Good post.[/quote]

+1

The best thing to do is stop thinking about it. Disassociate yourself from these people and the activities/interests/etc you link with them. It looks like you were really close to them, which is why you got hurt… Probably that’s why it’s hard to let go. Still, from personal experience, wounds heal and memories fade, if you choose to let them do so.

~G

[quote]NealRaymond2 wrote:
Without going into details if you don’t feel like it, what’s the deal with “disliking the people that still chose to hang around them”? Did the people that still chose to hang around them do something to you beyond just still hanging around them?

Did the people that still chose to hang around them have any solid evidence of wrong-doing on the part of the people you (first) fell out with; or did you just demand that they take your word over the other people’s word and make a choice?
[/quote]

no they knew exact the details, to put it simply I was in an extended kinda group its pretty much split the group in half, those who believe they were wrong and people who pretty much don’t give a shit and ended up talking shit about me.

its pretty much made me rely on myself 95% of the time, i have used it as motivation for the iron and yes I was trusting of everyone til this event happened. This thread was sparked because I finally got a facebook and both there profiles came up as people I might know and I instantly felt sick to my stomach/angry.

Also this all happened behind my back and my real group of friends told me about it, then i confronted them one acted as if he didn’t do anything wrong at all and that he doesn’t care, he proceeded to talk crap to his group and people in my group.

the other when confronted got all defensive, decided to make all this bullshit up that i apparently did but never did and they know it.

Can I ask what they did that was so bad?

I’m an old man. I hate everything but Matlock. Ooh, it’s on now!

[quote]jtg987 wrote:

i think that feeling this way isn’t right and has pretty much stopped me from making any decent new relationships with people whether it be new girlfriends or just new mates to go have a beer with.
[/quote]

This is the worst thing you can do. The more friends you have, the less reliant you are on any particular group of friends.

Back in high school I had a decent sized group of friends, but I had pretty much no close friends outside that particular group. This meant that I had to put up with hanging out with a few people in my group who I had zero respect for. I felt like it was too hard to do anything about it, as I couldn’t afford to risk losing that group of friends.

On the other hand, when you have a large number of friends from different groups, it means you can be much more selective about who you spend your time with. If someone acts like a douche, you can just cut them off and never talk to them again.

[quote]pittbulll wrote:
In my humble opinion you will never be at peace with it until you learn to forgive them
[/quote]

I disagree.

I feel perfectly at peace despite the fact that there are certain people who I have chosen not to forgive for wronging me in the past. I am not bitter or upset and I don’t feel like a victim, but I feel no need to forgive.

[quote]Makavali wrote:
Can I ask what they did that was so bad?[/quote]

i didn’t want too post this because i didn’t want it too be moved to a forum that receives less traffic and more spam-esque responses

pretty much one was a friend from high school, the other was a girl that i was with on and off for about 18 months. I’m guessing you can guess what happened from there. He knew the the whole story with me and her, the worst thing is they exchanged numbers whilst I was talking to the mother of the girl who held the party at their house. She should know better as at the time we were together and we’ll this guy did it too his best friend about 2 years before so I guess in a way they deserve each other.

she was the reason i got into weight lifting, and now the reason why I’m cutting…the way she acted when she found out I knew implied she knew what she was doing was wrong.

this has split our original group into too smaller groups, uni starts back next monday, new classes, new people…I guess I’ll make an effort too put myself out there and meet new people while trying to make new friends

on the last note a situation about 10 months ago now we both were invited to a mutual friends 20th birthday, I had another party too attend first once he found out I was coming he apparently ran out of the party home…the people that took his side went incredibly quiet when I walked in the door.

It’s great being bigger than the people you dislike lol

I’m going to go out on a limb here but this might help:

You mentioned you feel really bad when you think about these people. Well when you think about them I’m sure you actually picture them in your mind.

So when you do, literally shrink them down to about half a foot tall. And make sure their voices get all annoying and high-pitched.

Then step on them!!!

…You might be surprised how good this feels. You can do this in your mind too when you have to be around them. And if it works well enough, people will sense that you are not affected by them like you once were - which will work to your advantage.

[quote]zephead4747 wrote:
Same deal happened to me in the summer before highschool. Your best bet is probably let it and them go. After a while it will seem like you never even met those people.

I’m still bitter as hell about stuff that happened a long time ago, but after so long you’ve got to ask yourself if you’re letting it consume you too much. Yeah, it’s fine to dislike others who’ve wronged you. But don’t let your hate consume you too much.[/quote]

i liked this post. good call zep