T Nation

Did She Play Him?

Due to the recent influx of posts about relationships and “nice guys/girls” finishing last, etc,etc. I’m interested in opinions on this particular scenario. My roommate in college just got reamed out by a guy who feels she “played” him. I don’t think so and neither does she, but we would like a guy’s opinion on this one. My roomie is hot and has a great personality to boot. Needless to see she is never lacking for male attention and often has more of it than she really wants. All of her past boyfriends are still friends of hers and she has never had a fight or a messy break-up. So, guy # 1 comes onto the scene and they go out on a date and have a great time. Then a friend sets her up on a blind date with guy # 2. She goes to dinner and a movie and has a really great time. Both are different guys, but both are nice and she has a nice time. Then she hears from some guy friends at work that guy # 2 is a bit weird and she should stay away from him. She hasn’t found him to be that way, but puts things on hold due to school exams and other assignments. In the meantime, she goes out again with guy # 1 and begins to really like him. She continues to talk on the phone with guy # 2 now and then in an attempt to get to know him a bit better and decide for herself whether he is really weird or not. She decides that he sounds okay and after exams agrees to meet guy # 2 for coffee with two other friends–an hour or two of conversation in the afternoon. She decides he is a decent guy, but she really isn’t attracted to him and prefers guy # 1.

She lets the friend who set her up with guy # 2 know that she isn’t interested in him. This friend (of the guy) agrees that this person is a bit weird (too intense and serious for what she is looking for) and regrets setting them up. Everything seems fine, when out of nowhere guy # 2 calls her up and reams her out for playing him, not once, but twice! Now, keep in mind that she is only 18 years old and that no physical contact was made with this guy–no kissing, making out, or anything. She told guy # 2 that he is a great guy, would like to be friends with him, but is really interested in guy # 1 and that she doesn’t want to ruin that relationship right now. That relationship is still new too. Both guys came into her life at virtually the same time.
So, guys, and girls, what do you think? Was she a player and horrible to guy # 2, or is this all his problem because he liked her, felt he wanted her and she turned him down. Is he acting like an immature child, or should girls always only consider going on a date with one guy at a time? What do you guys do when you are out meeting new people? Do you take one or two girls out on a date, just to see, at first and then decide, or go for only one at a time?

If Guy #2 got played, it was because he was playing the game all by himself. He went out on one date, and then one group coffee, and he gets upset because the young lady in question decides she doesn’t like him? While I can understand he is not too keen on being rejected, he had no claim, implicit or otherwise on her – the whole point of initial dates/conversations is to see whether you like the person. Just because it turned out she didn’t want to pursue things further after one date is no cause to claim you were “played.” Bachelor #2 can just stay behind the curtain and sulk until he learns the rules.

I would say guy #2 is definately weird. Simple dates, especially not kissing, etc, are not ‘binding’ in any way. Now, if she had gone out with him to a $50 a plate restaurant and accepted gifts from him that would be one thing… but it doesn’t sound like she did this. She made a good choice by sticking with the frist guy.

I don’t know if he got played, but she shouldn’t have made guy #2 feel like she liked him. If she wasn’t interested she shouldn’t have gone out with him at all.

It’s always difficult to make ANY sort of judgement from hearing only one side of the story. The way ti usually is goes like this: there’s her side, his side, and the truth which is somewhere in the middle. Not having heard any of the conversations between them, there may be something she said that led him to believe there was something more there. But on the surface, is does indeed seem like this guy is off the deep end.

Just for the record, no the dinner was very simple, not expensive and no gifts were involved at all. All phone conversations were initiated by the guy, not her. The only thing she did that may have given him the idea that she was remotely interested was agree to go for the coffee thing, and that was the friend’s idea, not hers. She agreed to that just to see what he was like on a second meeting. It was this meeting that verified the fact that she really did not have any interest in this fellow.
Thanks for the input. Glad to hear some agreement with what we think.

She didn’t play him. guy #2 is too needy/weird. 2 dates isn’t a commitment. no reason to tie yourself down to “dating” one guy. unless things involve sex

It’s hard to say. We don’t know his side of the story, nor do we know if he’s especially sensitive because he’s been “played” in the past. We also don’t know what kind of signals she was sending him. It’s pretty rough to tell people that they should only date one person at a time, and in theory I agree that you should be able to be non-exclusive without worry when you first meet a person. At the same time, I can understand his resentment at “losing” to this other guy. He’s probably a little immature, or a little stunted socially. She probably flirted like mad without intending to, and he thought he’d really hit it off. Bottom line though, is that he needs to move on. There were only two “dates,” and if he spent a lot of money on her, he needs to learn not to do that. Guys, never spend money on a woman because you feel it is your “duty”… if you want to spend money on her, acknowledge that it is only for your own satisfaction, and isn’t tied to any kind of reciprocity (emotional or otherwise). Romantic dates can be cheap.

So? As the juri reached a veredict?

Thanks for all the support everyone! In general I would say that the “jury” has decided that she was not a player in this case and that guy # 2 has perception problems. Two dates (the second not even really being a date) do not constitute a relationship in most people’s minds–certainly not in my roommie’s! And, reaming someone out because you have been rejected so early in a friendship is pathetic. Perhaps this guy has been rejected too often. In that case, he should examine why and try to do something about it. Building high expectations, a fantasy world, and then reaming people out if they don’t want to participate is not the way to win anyone!
Thanks again!

He’s got the problem, she didn’t do anything wrong. You can go out with as many people as you want until something becomes “official”.

There is always the possibility that your friend is lying to you in hopes that you agree with her so she can feel better about herself. But if this is not the case then guy #2’s mind has taken a serious walk off the map. ~PorchDawg

No, she was definitely not lying to me. We live together, so it’s pretty hard to not notice things. Also, girls like to discuss their dates with each other, especially early first ones. You know–analyse the thing to pieces, laugh about funny things, etc. etc., so I pretty much know what went on. We actually feel kind of sorry for the poor guy right about now. He obviously is desperate to find a girl and built up some sort of fantasy about this one. Like I said, she is very attractive, well liked, great personality, fun to be with, smart and athletic. I guess he thought he had hit pay-dirt here! Oh well. She’s happy with guy # 1 now so this is history. Thanks!