I’ve a family history of holidays being made dramatic.
Now the season is depressing a lot.
I’m 53. I’m too old and have survived way too much to be causing it myself so I hold in anger, eventually causing full on depression.
But do you suffer with seasonal depression?
Yep.
A lot of really severe stuff happened right about now and everything about this time of year brings back the memories and emotions of those events.
I suffer from year round depression. (This was meant to be somewhat lighthearted, but it just comes of as sad lol)
I had work today and with no warning, just bursted into tears. Sometimes I can identify triggers. Sometimes I can’t. Every time someone said “Merry Christmas”, it was like nails on a chalk board.
For me at least, I treat any other ordinary day as a day to try and be close to others, talk, connect with others, express emotions and feelings, practice care and support, etc. The holidays feel like some grand joke, where everyone is in on it but me.
If it’s not that, then I have to contend with another big element that is food. I’ve come from a long battle with disordered eating, and it’s an absolute battlefield trying to keep all my screws tightened, let alone a straight face, while at the same time having to contend with thoughts that have turned super dark because I stared just a bit too long at some cake.
I also have family issues as well. Those of us that are still alive, are mostly estranged at this point. Only person of my blood family I talk to is my mom. I’m quite blessed to have my husband around though. We’ve been through a lot of stuff, some that was recent, and quite heavy, but I can appreciate that he understands how to make room for when I just shut down.
1 Like
Very similar to my situation except I’m the husband.
Most of my family is estranged sans my mother sister and niece/nephews.
My wife has walked thru level 7 of hell with me. Military deployments war disability and on and on.
What I just can’t do is ever shut down like I want at times, and have in the past.
And presently I am surrounded by triggers 360 degrees every direction. Nuts.
But what’s one to do? Giving up I never see as plausible so walking thru it is all that works. It’s extremely challenging to not say screw it all and totally shut down 
I never wanna do that but wow it’s challenging sometimes when at wits end, a holiday when house HVAC goes out on a -6 degree night then after freezing all day it can’t be fixed any time soon and a replacement is way expensive.
I’ll be checking our county Vet Service Office to see if there’s any benefits to which I’m entitled that may help.
I am feeling a bit burnt out and bummed out right now.
I have since Canadian Thanksgiving been trying to keep full payroll hours accomplished before the Christmas Holidays and have been feeling burnt out. I haven’t slept properly these past two nights. I live alone and even though I had a Christmas call from my Dad, younger brother and stepmother I am in this undead state. I least I am getting some household cleaning done, it is remarkable how my landlord never gets on my case about it.
At work I am looking ahead to performance/compensation review and I have to sort out how I am going to explain some of the braindead things I have done that I have been trained on how not to, It seems that fatigue has caused me to unlearn some things.
Sending virtual hugs.
I can’t say I completely understand, considering I’ve never been in the military. But I figured it comes with its own traumas.
I will say, that it hasn’t helped the times that I have just completely shut down. Currently I bring in the most money, so the times I’ve been/forced to go on leave have really hurt us. I’m not even gonna make it seem like it didn’t, because it certainly did. My husband picked up the slack where he could.
But it doesn’t soothe much of the struggles you’ve voiced. Freezing cold temps and everything. Having to find the money for it, stress, exhausting resources, etc.
But I can agree. Giving up isn’t much of an option. It is, but that’s assuming I don’t have things to live and strive for. I very much do. Most times it’s those things I decide to keep me going.
I always fight hardest when my life is threatened (poisoning, drug addiction, heart attack).
I knew I was in trouble when I became the threat. That was when I knew I needed to talk to a professional.
I always get really depressed around the holidays because every year it’s like HEY JENN! GUESS WHAT?! YOU’RE ALONE ON THIS ONE TOO!
My brother is a huge as$ so I decided over the past couple of years I would rather spend the day by myself than have to go over there and be uncomfortable around him.
This year was probably the easiest for me. Slept in, went for a walk, made a steak, and avoided social media.
My son goes to his dad’s so I give him gifts on xmas eve, but it’s not very festive lol.
Don’t really care about new year’s. Like hell I’d stay up until midnight.
I like getting my toes painted red though, but other than that, count me out haha.
I’ve just read everything from my reply on.
It seems there are a bunch of us who were impacted in some way from a history of challenging Christmases. That stinks.
One thing I’ve had to do is determine who has done me emotional harm more than once. If they have then I will deem them a poisonous snake and not pick it back up then act surprised when it bites….
We must all put a line in the sand for people who are simply not emotionally safe to be around. I’ve recently witnessed that make a day and night difference for a mom whose daughter just refused to let her love her. Crazy.
We are NOT required to voluntarily expose ourselves to what we know to be emotionally dangerous situations.
That said, we don’t want to cry at the stop of a hat line a bunch of teen girls either But only WE know when it’s time to harden up and gut things out. Our call. Nobody should be trying to make us.
Best wishes & God Bless,
3 Likes
Bit of a very loosely related rant, but wanted to type it anyway.
My sister has gone too far down a “my parents caused all my problems” path right now, using phrases like “classic narc behavior”. It’s so easy to attach words like “narcissist” to people you can’t get along with. Every time her and my mother speak it is an absolute disaster. Sure, my mum isn’t perfect and has made mistakes (who hasn’t), but all she’s really guilty of is trying to love her too much whilst getting absolutely nothing back. There’s another side to this “get away from toxic people” thing that is preached a lot these days. This year, for the first time ever, my sister outright refused to speak to any of us over Christmas/New Year and my mother is absolutely distraught, still not being able to contact her. This could potentially have been the last Christmas my Dad’ll be alive. …Yet my parents are having to put up with this self-righteous spoilt “I’m too good for you all” feeling because of a modern attitude caused by a misunderstanding of the psychology that is actually being shared in these different online circles.
I’d just like to clarify that I completely agree about drawing lines in the sand with people that emotionally drain you, and have actually told my Mum to just focus on the people that do want to be around her. She can’t control how her daughter feels, and it’s her own right to feel the way she does. This whole projecting problems on other people and getting away from them is some new age stuff, people hinge to ideas that any damaged relationship is a done one (and it wasn’t even really damaged until this strange blame game started).
…And if all this crap doesn’t get resolved she’s gonna have a ton of regrets to live with when they’re gone. My parents gave her everything she ever needed and wanted, this came out of the blue a couple of years ago and just grew and grew. I agree with the ethos, but this empowered “I don’t need anyone else” can be dangerous for some.
1 Like