T Nation

Death threats

What are some of the funniet threats you guys have received? I had one little guy in highschool tell me he was going to kill me in my sleep with his bear hands because I told him he was an idiot for listening to Insane clown posse.
:slight_smile: Groove


Smokey listens to the Insane Clown Posse?

"The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out… without regard to the prevailing superstitions and taboos. Almost inevitably he comes to the conclusion that the government he lives under is dishonest, insane, intolerable… "

~ H. L. Mencken

In college this guy I know went up to a girl and told her that my friend Cam liked her. When Cam found out about it, he went up to the guy and said, “I’m gonna ruin your fucking life!”

To this day it’s one of my very favorite quotes ever.

I’m not sure who I hate more, Marilyn Manson or ICP. I’d like to watch both groups thrown into a pit of pissed-off flesh-eating ants.

This was not directed at me. It’s a Thursday night and I’m in bed trying to sleep, but I can’t because a couple of dudes are yapping at each other outside in the hall. I open the door and overhear this: “I’m going to cut you like a fish outside of church on Sunday.”

What the fuck? The fact that church somehow got thrown into the mix was pretty amusing.

I don’t believe I’ve ever received a threat, actually.

I knew this one guy in high school who used to sign yearbooks, “I’m going to hunt you down and kill your kids.” I, er, he was pretty fucked up.

Once when I was playin basketball. I fouled this guy when we were goin up for a rebound together. As he got up from the floor, he tells me “yo, I’m gonna put a cap in your ass”. I know this guy is a joke, and I was really goin thru a ruff time then, so I just lost it and started pushing him, and was like “Let’s go tuff guy”. He apologized right away.

My girlfriend (of a year and half) and I broke up a few months ago. It wasnt a bad breakup, just a mutual decision. Her and I still talk to each other and we obvisouly still care for each other (we still say I love you and what not). Anyways, she has a new boyfriend who is a fuckiing stick! Probably 5-10, 140 lbs. He calls me one day and threatens me to stop talking to her and telling her I love her. In his words, “she is my girlfriend now, not yours. This fucking shit with you talking to her and telling her you love he is going to stop.” First off…my ex never told me to stop talking to her. It would be one thing if she told me stop having any contact with her, and I still did…then this new boyfriends actions would be warranted. BUT she never told me to back and she still hasnt, so I will continue to talk to her on occasion. Seriously though…this guy is a joke. Out of respect for her, I have cut down the amount of times I see her and talk to her (mainly because I am still in love with her and I just feel like crap after I see her) but also because she says that this guy will start yelling at her and arguing with her whenever he finds out she has talked to me and I dont want her to have to deal with that stuff. This guy has gone as far as driving past my house to make sure she is not there. If he calls her from work and the line is busy, he will call my house to see if the line is busy also! He sneaks through her personal belongings to read all the letters and cards I have written her and he interrogates her whenever she leaves her apartment. In all honesty, I have no idea why she is still with him. Anyways… this guy probably thinks his so-called threat scared me off, but I could give a rats ass what he thinks. He is a skinny, coke sniffing, beer drinking, control freak and the fact that he threatened me just makes me laugh. I just think he is a sad, pathetic loser. And I refuse to drop down to his level. Sorry for the rant. I had to vent a little bit. Hey GROOVELESS…some of your whimsical advice would be great…haha!!!

Where can one get a pair of these bear hands? (sorry couldn’t resist). Outside a filthy Georgetown bar: “I’m gonna stick a baseball bat up your sister’s poopchute then beat your skull in. With the same bat.”

Tony G, you want some advice. Ok I would advise you to have sex with your ex girlfriend(possibly anal) and tape it. Then blow your load in a ziplock bagie and send both the tape and the ziplock bagie complete with your man goo to this guy. The two things have absolutely nothing to do with each other but I think it would be funny anyways so there.
Or you could get a friend to sell this guy some laundry detergent and tell him its coke, then when he sniffs it he will die. At this point you will be free to carve out his brains and eat them. Very high in protein…
:slight_smile: Groove

Tony G,

I hope your ex-girlfriend realizes what a punk this guy is. Guys like him need to get the boot. He sounds like a real piece of trash. Keep your eye out for your ex girl just in case he takes his control problem or drinking/drug use to the next level.

“I’m gonna rip off your head and shit down your throat”

“You feeling Froggy, Jump Mutha F***er”

“I’m gonna hit you so hard your Momma will feel it”

But my personal all time fav:

“When I’m done kickin your ass, I’m going to kick your Dad’s ass, then your Granddad’s Ass, Hell I’m gonna beat the shit out of every male member in your entire family”

Guess I been threatened allot in my 39 or so years, None of these “bad asses” actually carried out any threats. Although some really good fights did ensue.

GROOVLESS…I dont know where the hell you come up with this stuff!!! Jesus H Christ…that is classic. Thanks for the laugh. Nate Dogg…yeah this guy is a jagoff. I keep asking myself (and my ex) why are you still with this guy?? She has said that she is having second thoughts, but she is just very stressed and confused right now. She mentioned that she wants to get her own place which would be great! I told her that I would love to start over again, but that we would have to take things slow. But she is not ready, and I dont want to push her…(hence the reaosn why I try not to see her as much). I dont think this guy would do anything stupid like hit her. To be honest, I think she could take him…haha. She knows that I am there for her and I would do anything I could to help her out. Hopefully, soon she will come to her senses. If not, I might have take Groove up on his suggestions…;o)

Tony G,
It was not a suggestion dammnit!! It was an order soldier. Now march in that bathroom and fill that ziplock baggie!!
Another good psychological twist to it would be to send a note telling him you were thinking of him while you were filling the baggie.
:slight_smile: groove

I knew this kid who made the following threat to guy giving him shit: “Shut up dude! I’ll bone you!” He was about twelve and was unfamiliar with the sexual connotation. He just thought it sounded tough. I think I almost shit myslef laughing at that one.

who is the insane clown posse?
never heard of them

i just looked up and downloaded one of their songs. It sucked. They have no musical talent.

[quote]Jinx Remover
01:44 PM

I knew this kid who made the following threat to guy giving him shit: “Shut up dude! I’ll bone you!” He was about twelve and was unfamiliar with the sexual connotation. He just thought it sounded tough. I think I almost shit myslef laughing at that one.[/quote]

Last summer I was visiting relatives up north when my 11-year-old cousin said to me, “I’m gonna bang ya if you don’t shut up you stupid idiot.”

I just about died laughing at the term “bang ya” for kicking my ass, especially when she is just a tiny thing with a big mouth. She probably didn’t realize the potential sexual connotation that could have as well.

Ive never been threatened, but to catch people off gaurd I tell them “I’m gonna eat your unborn children!” I get alot of weird looks from it.