T Nation

Death Threats Part II

Last week, my boy Grooveless started a thread called death threats and I replied with the story of my ex-girlfriends new boyfriend. If anyone is reading this, please refer to the old thread to get updated on the story (go ahead I’ll wait…haha). There…did you read my situation? Well, I have more to add. I was driving home from work Saturday afternoon when drove past my ex…so I pulled over to say hi. As I stated in the previous thread, her and I still keep in contact albiet on a limited basis due to the fact that her new boyfriend is a controll freak. Anyways, we were catching up on things when she says, “did Matt and I wake up Thursday when we were argeuing in front of your house?” I was like, “what??? What were you two argueing in front of my house?” She proceeded to tell me that they were out to the bar and had an arguement about god knows what…when my name came up. He, being the fucking jackass that he is…had a good ol’e case of “beer muscles” and said that he was going to drive to my house and kick my ass or as he put it, “fuck my face up on the curb” ala American History X. So, apparently he hopped in his car and drove to my house at 1 in the morning on Thursday with my ex telling him to turn around. He got out of his car and walked to my door then my ex warned him that she was going to call the police and got on the driver side…he yelled at her not to drive away and they argued for a few minutes and then they drove away. Of coarse I had no clue that this happened cause I was asleep in bed…but this guy is truely a tool!!! For the life of me, I dont understand why my ex is still with him. She has stated not too long ago, that she feels that us breaking up was a big mistake and she thinking about getting her own place which would then allow me the luxury of “starting over” with her. But this new boyfriend of hers is just a fucking jackass who is so jealous and controlling. Read that original post for other examples of the stuff he has done. Oh the hell with it…I’ll just tell you here…haha. He yells at her if she goes out with her friends with him. He feels that a boyfriend shouldnt let his girlfriend go out without him. He interrogates her whenever she leaves the house, “where did you go, who did you talk to?” If he calls her from work and the line is busy, he will call me house to see if the line is busy. I cant even count the number of times I have gotten one ringers! But I star 69’ed him and left a message telling him that he was sad and pathetic for doing that…and it hasnt happened in awhile. He will drive by my house or tell his friends to drive by my house when he is at work to make sure that my ex’s car isnt there and that we are talking. He went through her personal belonings and read ALL the letters and cards I have written to her…then he proceeded to drive down to where she works and made a scene there. And of coarse, he has on numerous times stated that he is goint to kick my ass. Oh and just so you know, this kid is like 5-10 140 lbs…he is a freakin stick! I dont know…it is just really frustrating to think that she choooses this creep over me. Any of the ladies (Stella, Karma, Patricia??) have an opinion or rationale on this?? Cause I am bewilldered.

Man, he fits the White Trash card to “T.”

What a fucking loser. Your ex and her new jackass of a boyfriend should be on Jerry Springer. This would be perfect.

HAAH…whats up nate Dogg. My ex isnt the problem, she is just stuck in a tough spot. We broke up and she moved in with this “friend” Matt. I was cool with it cause I didnt want her to have to move back home which is like an hour away. So, I figured if she was still in the same town as me, I could atleast see her from time to time and we could eventually work things out. Anyways, she ends jumping into a relationship with this dude (obviosly he took advantage of the fact that she just broke up with me and she was vulnerable) and now she is stuck there cause she doesnt have enough money saved up to get her own place. I told her she could come back with me…but she just doesnt know what she wants. She told me she wants to get her own place, but it will have to be awhile longer till she has more money saved up. In any case this guy is such a fuck-stick. I kinda hope he does wake me up in the middle of night…then I will shove a broomstick up his ass…haha. Ahhhhhhhh, this really stinks. I just hope she comes to her senses soon and gets out of that place.

Tony,I have been in a similar situation to you,regarding trying to stay friends with my ex and I have to say it does not work.
I tried to make it work,I really did,but in the end you only end up frustrated because you want to be more than friends.
You know once I let her go I felt so much better,what she now does or who she dates is up to her.Trust me,move on it really is for the best.

Tony G: I have been dealing with a similar situation for the past year. My girlfriend’s ex boyfriend has been stalking her and her family since she broke up with him 3 years and a half years ago. She has a civil protection order in effect and harassment and menacing charges pending against him. I would gladly kick the shit out of the douchebag, but I have much more to lose than he does. An assault charge on my record would be bad.

You are in a tough spot because you can’t get a phone trace against him, unless you have your ex only call you from her cell phone. In that case, your phone company can assist you in bringing charges against him for phone harassment. You will have to keep a log of every suspected call, and after a specified period of time you will compare that with the phone company’s records. Most judges don’t sympathize with little shitheads that push around women and children.

Your ex will eventually come to her senses and get rid of someone who tries to control her. It’s an insecurity issue, and it often leads to abuse. Just let her know that you’ll be there for her, and how important it is for her to tell someone if he ever lays a hand on her. Then you won’t have to bother kicking his ass, he’ll be in jail getting his ass reamed.

Wow. I am going to try to be nice here…please realize it’s a stretch for me, so bear with me. DUDE! WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?! Several things:

A) She is you EX. Sure you still have an emotional attatchment to her but there is a reason you guys are not together. Suck on that for a while.

B) She is CHOOSING to be in this living arrangement. She CAN leave. I hardly know diddly about the situation but I’m sure you’d let her stay with you or that she has someone else, anyone else, to stay with. Hell, she can stay in a homeless shelter or a battered woman’s shelter. She can sleep in alleyways and eat out of garbage cans. She CAN leave. She is CHOOSING not to. She can file domestic violence/abuse/imtimidation charges on him and have him removed from the domicile. She is CHOOSING not to. As long as she CHOOSES to stay in this, you cannot and should not concern yourself with the matter. Be supportive and sympathetic to her, but DO NOT become engrossed in her domestic shit.

C) She is CHOOSING to allow Controlling Stick-Boy to manipulate her emotions and YOU are allowing Controlling Stick-Boy to manipulate yours. You like apples? How ya like them apples? You are just as “controlled” by his out-of-control behaviour as she is since neither one of you is detaching yourselves from the situation. You go out of your way to taunt him and tell him what a loser he is. Does this sound like the behaviour of someone who truly does not give a shit? No. It sounds like the behaviour of someone who is allowing himself to be caught up in a vicious, neurotic cycle of waiting on eggshells for the next outburst/experiencing the outburst/verbally retaliating/calming down/back to waiting again. And lil’ chickie is running back and forth between the two of you making sure you’re both OK, placating each and complaining to each. What a wonderful life.

You asked for a rationale. Why? Why fucking bother? Accept what it is (a messed up way to live life) and move on with yourself. If and when she decides to take charge of her life and leave the situation, let her know she can come looking for you. This is NOT a healthy place for you to be in, the waiting for her and her fucked up life to get straightened out place. Go live your life and make something of yourself while she cleans up the mess of hers. You’ve got so many better things to be doing with your time, your emotions and your future than being embroiled in and controlled by this mess.

Oh yeah, that was the other part of this situation I wasn’t going to touch, but ~karma~ did a nice job explaining.

I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but Karma is right. The fact that she gravitates towards “stick dude” reflects her mental and emotional state. It isn’t about him getting her while she was vulnerable, or else she would have ditched him immediately. She’s obviously has some sort of attraction to this sort of person for whatever reason (probably abusive or alcoholic father). As much as you may not want to hear it, as much as you may still have feelings for her, for your own sake you need to move on. Think of it this way, she has a certain type of guy she’s into (crazy stick boy), the fate of your relationship was probably decided by the fact that you weren’t crazy enough for her. Whether you broke up with her or she with you, there is a pretty good chance that if she (on some subconsious level) didn’t think you to be enough of an asshole, she sabotaged the relationship from within.

I could be totally off base, but I’ve seen this sort of thing happen quite a bit. It’s not an uncommon pattern unfortunately.

Tony G: I just went back and read your other post. I would have to agree with Grooveless, hahaha funny as hell! Hey, if you’re still hittin it, what’s the problem? If not, stop telling her you love her and all that bullshit. She’s having her cake and eating it too. Tell her to make up her fucking mind, and while she’s deciding get as much ass as possible.

Since I missed out on the quotes from that last thread, here ya go:

“Nothing quite like the feel of something new” -Trent Reznor

“I’m gonna eat your children and stomp on their testicles” -Iron Mike Tyson

“Don’t come in here talkin like you some kinda straight up G, cuz I’ll cut ya nuts off and hand em to ya…PARTNA”
-Big Worm

Seems to me like its just a metter of time before she gives the chump his marching orders!!

One question however. Are you sure you would want to date a woman who would allow herself to date a man is nothing more than a total waste of space and a grade A cum-stain? Its is obvious that he is the real villain here but she still dated/is dating him.

Shes dragging you along. Been there done that. I guarantee she tells him one thing and tells you something else. I could be wrong but you will be better off not saying shit to her.

Been there, had not quite that much of a problem. Your best bet; leave her alone. Don’t talk to her. There are like 6 billion people in this world, with more women than men. That just leaves >3 billion women out there, right? Lose her, and that’s still >3 billion. Find another, and you’ll be much better off. I apologize if this was harsh.

WHEW…KArma…nicely put!!! BUT…I dont go out of my way to talk smack to this new boyfriend. I have never seeked him out and told him what I thought of him. Believe it or not…I have forced myself NOT to have any contact with her. I have gone weeks without calling her, seeing her, etc. But, I live is a VERY small town (2500 people) and she works at my bank, so it is inevitable that I am going to run into her. It is only when I bump into her, that she tells me all this stuff this guy is doing. I had no clue that he came to my house until she told me. I dont even talk to the kid. I would in no way stoop down to his level and talk shit to his face. Unless of coarse he came up to me face-to-face and threatened me. In any case, I do realize that she is CHOOSING to be where she is at. Although it sucks and it is frustrating…I have to respect her decision. I just care for her well-being is all.

That’s what made me think you were playing into this fucked up game. I understand his bullshit and her whining get to you, frustrate you, etc. I hate to be cliche but “Be the bigger man” and just leave the situation. Ok, so you live in a small town and can’t help but run into her. Are you still bangin’ her? How accidental is that? For the times you truly cannot help but run into her, how hard would it be to hold your hand up and tell her to back the fucking train up when she starts in on her domestic issues? Let her know that you want to be supportive for her but as long as she chooses this life, you want to hear none of it. NONE. Not one iota. Let her know you, as of this moment, refuse to be her emotional tampon. You can talk about the weather, school, sports, training, whatever the hell you guys have in common BUT NOT HER DOMESTIC SITUATION. You may have to repeat this several times over several encounters for her to get the idea but realize, her getting the idea is dependent on your being enough of a man to turn your back and walk away if she continues with the conversation. Can you do that?

Geez Karma…you can be so blunt at times, but I love it…haha. No, her and I are not still having sex. I couldnt do that knowing that she was with someone else. Unfortunately I havnt gotten any action in over 3 months for crying out loud! Regardless, you do make many good points. I guess I can blame myself for the most part. When I do see her, I ask how things are going with “stick-boy” and then she tells me all the problems they are having. Have to stop that I suppose. As for you reiterating that I star 69’d this kid back after he one-rang my house. I was not threatening in any way…all I said was that I thought he was sad for calling me because his line was busy (as i stated before, he would call my house if he tried to call his house and and the line was busy…because he wanted to make sure that my ex and I werent talking together). At first, I had no idea he was calling my house. I did notice that I was getting alot of one-ringers, but thought nothing of it until my ex told me that he would one-ring my house if the line was busy when he was trying to call her from his work. I have a friend who is a social worker and he said that I have to be VERY careful about leaving threatening phone messages cause they can be used in court. So, I was careful. I was just sick of all the one-ringers, know what I mean. Anyways, you are right in that I need to be the “bigger” man and let my ex be. If she chooses to be in this situation, than so be it. Its not my problem…unless of coarse he becomes physically abusive to her…than I will have to jump in!

Oh…and thanks for the input by the way. You are one tough cookie!..(wink)

Maybe he pleasures her more with his bigger penis.

Man no offense to you (especially since I don’t even know you), but I have to go with Karma on this one. The fact that your saying “It’s not her fault, she’s just in a tough situation” is not a good thing. You need to open your eyes and realize that she is there because, as Karma already said, there is obviously not enough of an incentive for her to leave. In other words, she knows exactly where she stands and what she’s doing and, in some sick way, probably enjoys all of this. Like Goldberg, been there, done that. Take his advice and cut her off.