T Nation

Death of a Friend


#1

this weekend my friend whom i worked out died.he was car surfing at 60mph and the guy driving eased the brakes and he flew off onto the road.I've known him for 3 years,he was a dumbass but he was also a good friend.

I couldn't stop seeing his face today and most likely failed an AP Bio test because of that.When I was in 7th grade my B-Ball coach hung himself and his wife and son found him.

My friends death brought up that memory and....I have literally felt sick all day.I'd lose my breath walking(I play soccer,that should not happen to me),I'd get hot and couldn't cool off,and I became dizzy for no reason when i went into 6th period where I lifted with him.

He did drink and do some other things,but i had gotten him started on the right road,he didn't drink as often or as heavily in the past weeks,and it hurt me when I found out that his life was ended so short and just when he was doing better.

I'm not used to...for lack of a better word "feelings" like this,i have happy/sad/angry/tired, and not much inbetween, and I don't know what exactly to call what i do feel except remorse/greivence.

Anyway I just wanted to know what will help me get through this(I have honestly believed you can never get over death...)besides time and talking,thank you for your time


#2

Sorry to hear that. But who knows what happens next after death? I believe they will be in a better place than here.

You and your friend will be in my prayers,

Fahd


#3

I'm sorry man. I've had a few good friends die, and it's just never something you can get used to. I spent most of my time in the "numb" stage.

I really don't know what to tell you, b/c I really don't want to sound trite, but I'll be praying for you.

Personally, I paid homage to my mates in a way that I thought they might appreciate. Do a lot of things with your other friends around you. I'm definitely very reticent about touchy feely stuff, but talking/ranting to one or two people you trust does tend to help. I never talked about it though. Honor his memory and use it to drive you.

Sincerely,
Aragorn


#4

As Aragorn said, so succinctly,
"Honor his memory and use it to drive you."

You need to try to keep as busy as possible. Go to the gym if you can, and just try to do as much 'regular' stuff as you can. If you were tight with any of his family, they might appreciate some help or company from you.

You may want or be asked to help with funeral stuff. You could consider speaking at his funeral. Anything you do to make this loss a little more bearable for others, will help you as well.

The trouble with death is that the only thing that lessens the pain is time.

\|/ 3Toes


#5

I've lost a lot of close friends and relatives and one thing I can tell you for sure is that we have feelings for a reason. Feel them, acknowledge them, and act on them in a healthy way.

The alternative of stuffing them and acting as though nothing can hurt or affect you is not good. I did that and it hurt more and longer than necessary, eventualy taking over and quite literaly destroying me. That was not good.

Take some time to mourn. It's worth it in the long run.


#6

Keep busy but allow yourself to think about and grieve for him. Remember the good times you had with him and things you learned from him or were able to share with him. It's normal to feel numb and disoriented and unable to focus on other things.

My freshman year in college is marked in my memory by the death of my boyfriend a week before finals.

Don't keep it all bottled up inside. Find someone or some way to talk about your feelings... whether you are angry, hurt, upset, lonely, or just feeling lost. I'm glad that you were being a positive influence on his life.

It will get easier with time, I promise.


#7

Hey, sorry to hear about this. I don't have anything by way of good advice, just perhaps to echo what others have said.


#8

This is the most important thing to keep in mind right now. It will hurt and it will be hard, there's absolutely no way around that. But it WILL get easier over time.

Talking about it to someone can be the biggest help, if nothing more than just to vent and get things off your chest.


#9

jmwintenn:

Sorry to hear about your friends departure. I guess one never knows when the time will come. We all only have so many years, days minutes...

You have been given some outstanding advice on this thread. I think the best is just to let time pass.

In the mean time, don't be afraid to mourn your loss. If that means thinking about your pal for long periods of time then go ahead. In other words, don't try to run away from your feelings. Cry when you feel the need, there is nothing unmanly about that. Don't let anyone tell you there is.

Time will tell you when it's time to forget....

I will pray for you during your time of need.

PM me if you need someone to talk to,

Zeb


#10

sorry for your loss. Jeez, what I want to know is about the guy that was driving-is he being charged with anything? -J


#11

thanks guys for all your advice,and to the last poster(didnt catch name)the other people wont say who was driving

i want to talk to his brother but when i try i lose my voice,his brother is pissed and wants to hurt someone and i want to tell him how much his younger bro talked about him and stuff like that,i just have a hard time talking to anyone right now.

his father needs help paying for his funeral so i gave what i could.All the kids in my classes found out i knew him and have beent rying to talk to me and since we havent experienced anything before they dont know what to say,and i understand that and thank them for trying.

I had a hard time though,because one of my friends said "good riddance" because he didnt see eye to eye with him and it took all i had to not hand him his balls in the middle of class.

I am trying to honor his memory by getting stronger for him(he always wanted to lift more then me..)and he liked telling jokes about anything..and i know crying doesnt make me less of a man,i did when i wrote the post and last night

im going to do my best to make it to the visitation tomorrow and talk to his brother and tell him how much his little bro liked him.I know many a word and its frustrating to not know how to express myself with all the words/phrases/sayings i know.

One of thingsd im gonna miss most about him is the fact he told you whatever he thought,good or bad,he acted crazy most of the time but it was just for laughs...i dont really want to bother my parents right now because as a family we are havin some rough times and they dont need anything else to worry about,but thanks for all the great advice guys, i got to go dry my eyes


#12

I know how this feels. My boyfriend's death was in the papers because it was a result of underage drinking and a massive head injury from falling out of a lofted bed. I used to take the campus bus to class and hear random strangers making fun of him. I know you understand how much that hurt.

So he died in a meaningless accident. That doesn't define who he was or what he did. Those people who choose to judge him for those circumstances are small minded and not worth your time. Just remember all the good times you shared with him and feel lucky that you had the time, no matter how short it seems now, to have the friendship you did.


#13

Sorry to hear, man. That really, really sucks. Find somebody you're close to that you can talk with about it. A lot. It'll help.