T Nation

Dear America, Happy Goodbye Independence Day


#1

Satirical extract from the morning paper...funny as hell though:

To the people of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent president, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor. Congress and the senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1.You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2.The letter U will be reinstated in words such as "favour" and "neighbour". Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "-ize" will be replaced by "-ise".

3.Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4.July 4 will no longer be celebrated. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

5.Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.

6.All American cars are hereby banned. They are rubbish and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

7.All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8.The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British bitter will be referred to as beer - American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine".

9.Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

10.You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you who are brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds, or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies.

11.You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

12.An inland revenue agent (ie tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

-John "Basil Fawlty" Cleese on behalf of the British to the American people


#2

Cleese is a genius.

"The germans are coming!"


#3

Yeah, he's funny as hell. Actually the entire Monty Python crew is.


#4

Good stuff :slight_smile:

"SUBJECT: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland:

We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!

However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.

To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

  1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman).

However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.

  1. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

  2. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)

  3. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.

  4. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.

  5. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.

  6. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of satan they'll teach you how to cook.

  7. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.

  8. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

Thank you for your time. Yu can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

P.S. ? Regarding WW2: You're Welcome."


#5

Nice!

Especially getting the "United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland" right.


#6

Well y'all like your beer warm. Different strokes for different folks.


#7

Classic. Funny guys... funny!


#8

What if I'm attacked by a man with a banana?


#9

This is one of the best threads I've seen in awhile...

Damn good arguments!

-Nate


#10

Yea well we can still have an underground thing where we drink our beer cold like men.

I'll be damned if I'm going to microwave a Bass and sip it for three days


#11

What Australian accent issue?

Don't drag us into this debate, we love Pommie-bashing as much as you do, it's kind of a national pastime.


#12

What's a Pommie? Can I hate them, too? :wink:


#13

bollocks!


#14

Isn't it the national sport of all nations?

Bleedin' dirty sassenachs.