Satirical extract from the morning paper…funny as hell though:
To the people of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent president, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor. Congress and the senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1.You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2.The letter U will be reinstated in words such as “favour” and “neighbour”. Likewise, you will learn to spell “doughnut” without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “-ize” will be replaced by “-ise”.
3.Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4.July 4 will no longer be celebrated. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent.
5.Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.
6.All American cars are hereby banned. They are rubbish and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
7.All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
8.The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British bitter will be referred to as beer - American brands will be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine”.
9.Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
10.You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you who are brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds, or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies.
11.You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
12.An inland revenue agent (ie tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
-John “Basil Fawlty” Cleese on behalf of the British to the American people