T Nation

Dealing with People Who...


Dear T-Nation,

Consider this a vent/advice session.

(And, to all the trolls...bring it! You will only fuel me.)

I have just found out that some people I met at college last year, and considered good friends, have been talking bad about me the entire time that I have known them. You know the people...nice to your face, talk shit behind your back relentlessly. I just found out about 5 minutes ago. It is currently 4:07 am and I am slightly upset. You know that feeling you get when your arms and legs get cool and your stomach settles? How your hands start to feel...well, light and start to shake a little? You know, when youre about to literally rip someones head off? Where I come from, we settle things like this in a reasonable way, in the park, at the cages for basketball, where the law of the land is put up or shut up. However, I am currently 70 miles from said people, and would probably face charges and lose scholarship because they dont have the same kind of way of dealing with issues as they do where I am from. So...My question to T-Nation for tonight is, how do I bottle this up and unleash it tomorrow in the weight room, and from there on? How should disloyalty be handled in this case of act and lose a lot, or not act and be a bitch? (I am seriously at the end of my wits with these people and am leaning toward cracking some skulls.)

A very pissed Zep.


Whatever you do, don't sleep. Stay up and brood on it. Then go talk to them, maybe after staying up another 24 hours. So, around "4:07am" tomorrow. Make sure you go into great detail about how their words impact your life. Then beat them up. OR...

Sleep. Go on with your life and ignore them completely. Cut them out of your life as much as humanly possible.

If you do the first, be sure to post what happens here.


I am currently tryin to calm down, but it is as if somewhere a switch has flipped. I literally want to line them up and take them one at a time while the others watch and wait their turn. Is there any way I can save this feeling for tomorrow when I make a special trip to the gym? I like this feeling quite honeslty, and I would like to be able to enter it while in the gym. Any advice on that?

A slightly less pissed Zep.

(Dont worry, if I go ape shit on anyone, Ill let you know how it goes.)


Ignore themm disassociate completely and move on. Defriend them on facebook (whatever), delete their numbers etc... Don't even talk about them.


I recommend deadlifts and dumbbell bench presses.

Deadlifts are a wonderful full body lift that forces you to concentrate everything into doing it, if you're going heavy, to the point that you can't be distracted or you'll get fucked up. And they make such a beautiful sound if you drop the weight from the top of the lift.

And dumbbell bench presses are great because its easy to pour absolutely everything left after deadlifting into this lift. They're compound enough where you'll exert enough energy to finish them off that it will help to clear your mind, but not so technically complicated or dangerous that you can't focus on what got you pissed off in the first place.

Before you strap in to the bar for deads, while you're still standing halfway across the room, start focusing on what got you angry. Then when you reach the boiling point, thats when you stride over, strap in, and lift.

Same for the bench. Get the dumbbells on your thighs while you're seated on the bench, start focusing on what got you pissed, and when you reach that boiling point, lean back, kick the dumbbells up, and press.

This is how I got past a couple of things that really pissed me off last summer. Set a deadlift and dumbbell bench press weight PR that I have yet to hit again (although only for two reps or so, where I normally lift in the 6-8 range).


I am pissed at them, I am pissed that I didnt see it coming, I am pissed that I trusted them, I am pissed that their parents never taught them to be decent people, and that they think money is all that matters, I am pissed that everything they have has been given to them, I am pissed that they have never had a hard day in their life, I am pissed that they would throw me under the bus at their own convienience, I am pissed that they wont say it to my face, I am pissed that I am looked down on for what I like, I am pissed that they were born, I am pissed that they breathe, I am pissed that they are ok with the fact that they think that just because they talk amongst themselves that I wouldnt find out sooner or later, I am pissed that they are the antithesis of everything that I have been raised on, everything that I have been taught, everything that I believe, everything that I AM...

I look in the mirror and I am pissed that I am not better than I am, that I struggle with certain things that are given to others, things that people take for granted, things that people throw away that I would fight until my dying breath to keep.

I look at this country, that my family has been a part of since the early 1700's, and I am pissed at the lack of community, I am pissed that people look after themselves instead of their neighbor, I am pissed that this country is selfish, and every day insults what my family has fought and died for for well over 230+ years. I am pissed that people have no respect for what is sacred to others, even if it is not sacred to them. I am pissed that the law protects some, and victimizes others.

I look at life, and I am pissed that people argue over small things and forget about the big picture, about how what they do affects everyone around them.

I am pissed that my future god-son/daughter will grow up in a world with these values. A world that has no concept of what it means to be a good person. I am pissed that no matter what I will teach him/her, he/she will still have people who try to bring him/her down.

I am tired of watching people who can make a difference sit on the sidelines and let others take a fall. I am pissed that there are people who dont care.

I do everything in my power to undo the above, and I realize that it will never be enough. I will keep working, in the face of insurmountable odds, with a smile, just for the sheer purpose of pissing off everyone who pisses me off.

I tomorrow, am going to wake up, and go to the gym and lift until I black out. God help the lazy motherfuckers who come to the gym and sit around, like the lazy pieces of shit that they are, on the equipment. Tomorrow my fuse will be short to say the least.

This is what is going through my head right now.



Warm milk?

Before you go off busting heads, think about how you can turn this around. Do they know that you know?




That's really the worst thing, isn't it, when something like this happens... the fact that you didn't see it coming. I sense a fair bit of self-recrimination that you didn't see those people for what they really are. But maybe, in a way, that reflects well on you, because you're obviously NOT like that, which is WHY you didn't see it coming. Really, if the worst you're guilty of in this situation was misjudging someone... well, it could be worse, and at least you can chalk it up as a lesson learned.

And as to the first line: people like that aren't really your friends, they were never really your friends, and they're not really worth your time. If you can use the anger you feel to get a good workout tomorrow, then great... but after that's done, I suggest you follow the advice of one of the posters above and just forget about them. Cut them out of your life as much as humanly possible, and don't waste another ounce of your energy on them. Easier said than done, I know, but I urge you to try. Don't let their negativity stay with you. Good luck.


Negative emotions are not good for your training or life in general. I find the best thing in situations like this, or different but similarly shitty, is to turn the negatives into positives. Start with a few deep breaths, this always helps calm me down and put things in perspective. then list the good things to have come out of this (either in your head or write them down, whichever you prefer).
For example,

  1. you have learned an important life lesson, sometimes people are not genuine;
  2. they are people you no longer see, hopefully now you have better friends;
  3. every fake friend you realise was actually a dick, makes you appreciate your real friends more;

It's almost a very basic form of meditation and ultimately it helps you realise and be more aware of what is going on around you, but that you don't have to let it affect you.

But that's just me, if I come off as a complete fag or whatever by writing this, feel free to flame me


spam the EVER LOVING SHIT out of their facebooks, you dont even have to hide it, every 5mins just post pics from lemonparty asking if its their parents or something


Youre advice is the truth. As much as I hate to admit some of it.

The thing that I am upset about is that I was hated in high school, a catholic high school. Why? Because I fought, yes fought, the kids who made fun of people with problems, the kids that didnt fit in. I saw those kids that were given everything by their rich parents, and how ungrateful they were. They drove hummers to school. I drove a 1994 honda that was given to me because the owner was literally too old to drive anymore (I was overjoyed, I worked on that car like you wouldnt believe, im talkin patching holes in sheet metal changing fuel pumps etc. and that car still looked like shit, but it was all mine). Those kids hated me with a passion, and I hated them. I fought with money hungry administration tooth and nail about things like suspensions and detentions, and after a while I got so pissed that I actually began to cause a few troubles for them (my favorite of these was that right after the science club cleaned up the courtyard we snuck in at night, climbed over the school, and forked it/toiletpapered everything). I was hated. I had no self esteem. College rolls around and im scared shitless. I make some "friends". All is well...This year, shit starts fallin apart. People are losin jobs. My loved ones are movin away. I lost my faith in God. My friends from back home/their families are getting ripped apart for various reasons. I am starting to realize what I have to offer. I can inspire people, I can help them by giving of myself. I want them to know that I always have their back. They are my brothers. I go to a catholic college full of rich kids (go figure. same shit different toilet i guess). I should have known better. I should have seen the clique forming. When shit gets tough at home. We stick together because sometimes eachother are all we have. When shit gets tough at school. Everyone does what is convienient, and I think that is fucked up. I am starting to become a driven person. I want to do good things for people, become a good man, make a difference for people who really need it, raise a family (the italian kind of family, not just my kids). There are three things that make a man in my opinion. 1) You live with heart. (think Rudy). 2) You are loyal (probably the most important trait in my opinion). 3) you hold yourself accountable for every failure that you see that you could have done something to prevent. (think decent human being). While I may not be strong in my faith, i think the beatitudes, and both sets of the works of mercy are necessities when actually setting criteria for being a good man. I am tired of ingratitude. I can only imagine if my brothers back home had what my "friends" at school take for granted. I try to go with the quote "People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God; It was never between you and them anyway." Today however, when good people get shit on especially, I FEEL LIKE GOING ON A RAMPAGE. So for today the quote goes something like this..."Ever notice how you come across somebody once in a while you shouldn't have fucked with? That's me." I will probably keep my temper. I will push as much iron as i can tomorrow given my loss of sleep. I will never look at things with getting to know people the same ever again. I will never chase. I will be followed. Everyone else can kiss my ass until further notice. Im gonna stick with those who are loyal, those who will stick with me.

Someone with a lot of built up rage.


HAHAHA that would be soooo fucked up.


Basically, I am tired of sheltered motherfuckers. People need to get their priorities straight.



Yes, what I know came from a good egg so to speak. They dont know that I know it, which is my advantage. I can play games too. I may could continue to be nice and just mooch, but I am better than that. I would rather let them consider their wrong doing every time they feel their new fat lip.



Youth. Angry, insecure, unsettled.

Focus on what drives you and the things you love. Focus on those who love you. You're not the only man with enemies.


Stop bring a bitch and realize life is more important than these silly dramas.


Getting angry and defensive is natural. But maybe you could ask yourself: why do they say what they do? Is there any truth to it? Why didn't they come to me? Am I unapproachable; do I get angry or easily frustrated? Is there something about myself I need to look into?

Whatever your answers are, you need new friends.


Go to Alpha's blog. Do this. Move on a better man.

Continue to see the best in people. Usually you won't be disappointed. These people don't have the power to make you paranoid or bitter. Sometimes in life you are going to have to continue to interact with people who are offensive. This will happen in your career eventually, trust me. You are going to have to come across some negative people and deal with it. Use this as practice to "toughen the hell up". Be cordial. Do what you need to do. Don't give them the satisfaction of thinking you care enough to let it rattle you.


I like how the OP mentions that his preferred way of dealing with problems would earn him a felony and posters respond with "Spam their facebook walls, dude!" Talk about two different languages/cultures.

OP- As you know, you're dealing with a completely different type of person than you're used to, who'd get more satisfaction out of slapping a felony on your ass for you reaction than they would learn anything from a bruised lip. You can't let these people distract you from the reason you're out there- college. The problem with being this angry is it makes you forget to take care of yourself/make the best decisions for your life because you're so focused on getting back at someone else. Fuck that. It may take a lot of self control, but ignoring them would be the best response. If you spend time thinking about small ways you can get back at them, it'll only lead to the desire to do it in the big ways.

PS. OP I grew up in a similar situation to your's, fighting with people, having the same desires, running into the same situations at school, and the cool thing is, you get a will of steel from a life like that. Use it for good. Don't waste that passion on these people. Also, try reading up a little bit on how people obtain power. Honestly, I think you're playing the game wrong. You've got what it takes to make a difference, but you're not aware of how to use it successfully in certain situations.


the answer is nose tork!!!

take a huge hit of that and pull a single, you'll forget all about this and maybe even blackout.

thank me later :slight_smile: