Antidepressants have side effects. They also treat depression. It sounds like your depression is severe enough to warrant dealing with the sides.
Different antidepressants of different classes and even within the same class have their own individual side effect profiles and each individual will react differently.
I tried the AD lexapro. It was a bad fit for me. It simply replaced anxious depression with a lethargic numbing depression. I now take nortriptyline which is actually a much much older AD than lexapro and it actually works a ton better despite having a reputation of having much worse sides. It actually improves my ability to feel a broad range of emotions while reducing anxiety and lifting my mood. It did cause weight gain during titration and even now it will sedate me. I use the sedation to my advantage and take it at night and I feel more refreshed in the morning.
My point isn’t that you should try nortriptyline. My point is that it will more than likely take some trial and error to find the right med or med combo.
Also, the meds won’t fix everything. However, they will be a useful tool to help you pull yourself out of this funk. A therapist would be instrumental to this.
Yes, some therapist are hippie dippy, but others can be the total opposite and be of an extremely rational practical mindset. Some people need empathy, someone to talk out their feelings with, and a shoulder to lean on and others like myself do better with someone very down to Earth and view things more impassionately and analytically with a troubleshooting frame of mind. A good therapist will also be able to take a read on you and figure out what’s a better fit for you.
If you’re experiencing suicidal ideation, that is thoughts of suicide to the point that there are times it actually sounds like a viable option then understand that this is part of the insidious disease that is depression. It’s not you anymore than a malignant tumor is a cancer patient. Depression can very much be like a cancer of the mind. Fight it like a cancer patient fights for their life because your life may very well depend on it as much as that cancer patient.
I hope you get well. Keep fighting and good luck.